Enduring to the End

Brazil--Transfer 2, End of Training

2012-01-23T09:10:00.001-05:00

Wisdom Gained in Brazil:

I now know, in graphic detail, exactly what I would do if I ever got peed on by a dog.
Fun with Portuguese: Pecador = sinner. Pregador = clothes pin. These two words are not to be confused.
The more I learn about everything that goes into a baptism, the more surprised I am that mine ever happened. It's like realizing after the fact that someone produced the Mona Lisa with a LiteBrite.
Manga is now my new favorite fruit. I would translate that as mango, but they really don't even compare. So when I go home to the States, that thing they call a mango I will strictly refer to as a rock.
There is no problem I have that doesn't instantly look better after a shower.
Colanders melt.
You know you're a missionary when: you find a really great scripture about the Holy Ghost, and become visibly angry when you realize it's from the Doctrine and Covenants.
My companion has been on a mission long enough that she has no idea what Angry Birds is. It was the first time I realized how weird I'm going to be when I get home.

I've been in Brazil for about 3 months now. It has been the strangest experience of my life to watch everything I ever knew about myself gradually slip away, and be replaced more and more by someone else. I find myself continually laughing at a line from that movie Hitch--where the one guy says he doesn't like the clothes he's wearing because they don't feel like him, and Will Smith responds, "You is a very fluid concept right now."

Feeling like that continually has been the most disorienting experience of my mission. But that's the heart of what a mission is all about. It isn't just about helping people change their lives to be closer to Jesus Christ--it's about being changed continually be the very same things you're teaching. The longer I do all of this, the more I realize that being a missionary isn't just giving away 18 months of my time--it's giving everything I've ever cared about to the Lord--and having all of it changed, bit by bit, and handed back to me in a new form. I gave Him my life, and when I get it back again I won't recognize it.

Why? Because the vision He has of who I can be is different than anything I ever imagined. I can't become that person on my own. And as I trust Him and allow Him to help me, I'm becoming less of the person I wanted to be, and more the person I need to be.

In the end, I think that'll be the most important lesson I'll learn from my mission. Trust in the Lord. The mission is one continual exercise of trusting in the Lord.

--
I am, as ever, your humble servant and never-deviating friend,

Sister Doyle

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Brazil--2nd Transfer, week 2

2011-11-21T09:41:00.000-05:00

Things I Have Figured Out/ Experienced So Far in Brazil:

5. You can hide the taste of anything with prayer and enough rice.
2. How much water it actually takes to flush a toilet.
3. It's more important to have things that are clean and work well than things that are new.
4. Every time is a good time for: a.) a party b.) loud music c.) a banana d.) all of the above.
7. The hard things you don't want to do are the things most worth doing.
5. Everything is better in Português, including Sorvetes.
192. Brazilian has one "L."
194. Lesson learned from hills: an up now is a down later.
14. The more you wear, the more you wash.
5. Now you know how the mail man feels when he's looking for house number 5.
197. Pride may be the root of all evil; but it's planted in distraction and watered with excuses until it sucks all of the common sense out of our heads.
15. Clotheslines have a weight limit.
16. Blankets are heavy when wet.
17. Droga, 1 interj. (coll.) darn it!; crap!; 2 the word you use when the blanket you just washed is now on the ground.
198. Blisters on your feet build character. Blisters and mosquito bites on your feet are a new form of "interrogation" I'd like to submit to the Pentagon.
199. The true measure of your character is how you treat someone who can't do you any good.
201. Number of times I have willingly taken a cold shower: 5 (and counting...)
19. My new favorite sound is rain on a tin roof.
20. Things I will never own after my mission: a dog, a motorcycle, a rooster,
21. Miracles happen every day. Also, things I now eat on a regular basis: tomatoes, onions, garlic, fish, cabbage, peppers, yogurt.
23. The reward of listening when you would rather be talking is wisdom.
26. Going to the bank is a lot like playing Monopoly. You wait 6 turns, waste a lot of time, and end up walking away with useless money because no one can break a R$50.
13. São Paulo is the best thing that ever happened to my testimony.
14. Isaiah/ 2 Nephi are my favorite places in the scriptures.
15. By the end of my mission, I want to be able to say that the most important thing in my life is Heavenly Father. That's how I will know if I really was a representative of Jesus Christ.

What I really do here all day is bearing my testimony of the Book of Mormon. I've given 18 months of my life to tell people that the Book of Mormon changes people. I did it because it changed me. But now that I'm here and I'm surrounded by people who have sacrificed more for their faith than I ever will for mine, I know now that the Book of Mormon doesn't just change people. The Book of Mormon has changed the world, and I watch it happen every day.

I love this work. I love my mission. This is the best and the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I know the gospel of Jesus Christ is restored, I know Joseph Smith was a prophet, and I know the Book of Mormon is true. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
--
I am, as ever, your humble servant and never-deviating friend,

Sister Doyle

Brazil--Week 3

2011-11-07T12:47:00.000-05:00

November 3--from the margins of my planner

I bought a bottle of bleach today. But don't let the simplicity of that statement deceive you. I now say bleach with the awe and reverence of new discovery. Today, somewhere in the streets of Brazil, I decided that a good man--the modern continuation of all the ancient Charming virtues--is like a bottle of bleach.

He's clean. In fact he's so clean, the only way to show how honestly clean he is demands that we dress him in a white shirt and give him a shiny bald head. Spotless.

He never lets you down. I open my kitchen cabinet to put my life back into some semblance of logical, working order and there he is--a constancy I never appreciated until I had to recognize such comfort by a new, exotic name. Agua sanitária. That even SOUNDS romantic.

I don't have to ask twice. I don't have to ask once. I don't even have to ask in Portuguese! If he's real bleach, he cleans my bathroom, my kitchen, my clothes every time--same results. He is a help meet, or equal to, the task of dedicating a home to the Lord. To the language of Deity, the scriptural injunction to "Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing, and establish a house... a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God," my bleach can always respond, "Here am I, send me." I expect that when I combine the devotion of my arms with the potency of his strength, we will get the job done together. With him I can annihilate millions of unseen malevolent microorganisms by the second.

To me, that's real power.

He gives me sparkling new things every time I see him--not because he buys a replacement we can't afford--but because he takes care of what we already have, so my things always seem new to me.

He's gentle enough to clean my vegetables, and effective at getting rid of bugs. And he's not to be underestimated--he could kill a man if I needed him to do so. But most of the time he's to be with me by the sink; quietly leaving me to my own private wonderland to which cleaning and other general housewifery permit me entrance. He is ready to tackle anything and everything life throws at me with everything he's got.

My Prince Charming goes by another name--and no, it's not Captain Moroni. It's Mr. Clean.

Words can't really do justice to the relief I felt here--surrounded in foreign language, food, customs, and culture--once I finally found some help I could recognize. I prayed for strength, and I'm still exhausted. I prayed for wisdom, and I'm still largely confounded. I prayed for a miracle, and nothing in my situation has changed for the better.

So I went back to the basics. In a Nephi-esque moment of last resort if I've EVER had one, I asked for ore--the stuff by which the tools to forge miracles are made. (See 1 Nephi 17: 9-10)

And what was the response, the mercy which God extended to me?

I thought I knew miracles--then, today... I bought a bottle of bleach.

--
I am, as ever, your humble servant and never-deviating friend,

Sister Doyle

São Paulo, Brazil--Week 1

2011-10-24T11:53:00.000-04:00

Greetings from Brazil!

It's true. I'm finally in Brazil. My visa came like the shock of my life, and before I could really process what that would mean for me, I was on my first international flight to a foreign country. As I fight with this keyboard in my first ever experience in an internet café, I can't help but be reminded that São Paulo is very different from Temple Square. But I'm growing more and more accustomed to it all the time.

The longer I'm here, the more I realize I desperately needed this experience. Brazil is everything I hoped it would be and so much more. After working here for only a few days, I can see in my mind what ancient Jerusalem was like--houses stacked on top on top of one another, with a maze of stairs that go in every direction that I could never navigate on my own. But add in bright colors--every shade of pink, green, blue, and brightly colored tiles in orange and purple--mixed in with crumbling cement hovels patched with old plywood. In Brazil, the rich and the poor are mixed in together completely, so there isn't a moment that goes by that I don't see both. In just a few days, I have experienced things that have broken my heart right where I stand. I have seen the poorest people of my life, and it has humbled me in ways I can't even describe.

But what has really stood out to me is the power of the message I'm carrying. It's one thing to talk about the power of the Book of Mormon in the comforts of my own hometown, in my familiar church setting where I know everyone and they understand where I come from. But to be HERE, to have a companion who speaks no English, in a place I have to work to understand and be understood, where I see things I never imagined before--to have my heart stretched, broken, changed, and stretched again--I've realized again why I did this.

Joseph Smith was a prophet. He saw God the Father and Jesus Christ. He did everything to restore Christianity to how it was when Christ Himself was on the earth. And this message has power to change people's lives, to bring a hope and a connection to God that wasn't there before. This message is the most important anyone could ever hear, and it was important enough for my Father in Heaven to send me here--to preach through the power of His Spirit the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Joseph Smith wrote what we in the Church refer to as the Standard of Truth, and it has deepened my love for Joseph Smith since I've been here because he simply could not have known how true it would be unless he was inspired. He wrote:

"The Standard of Truth has been erected; no unhallowed hand can stop the work from progressing; … the truth of God will go forth boldly, nobly, and independent, till it has penetrated every continent, visited every clime, swept every country, and sounded in every ear, till the purposes of God shall be accomplished, and the Great Jehovah shall say the work is done."

So when I climb hill after hill until my whole body aches, when I go deeper and deeper into the earth to small, one-room houses made entirely of crumbling cement, it's because what Joseph taught was true. When I struggle to express what means more to me than life itself in a language that comes in short bursts of stumbling brilliance (the brilliance being God's, the stumbling being mine)--it's because God lives and He does call us to perform miracles in His name. And when I see the change that comes over these wonderful, wonderful people whom I love more and more every day--when I see the relief that comes into their lives because God has spoken to them, I know it's because only the truth was strong enough to set them free.

I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the true church of Christ on the earth today. I know that God is very actively involved int he lives of His children, and there's nothing He wouldn't do to help His children to receive this message. He has sent me here, and it has changed my life. As difficult as this is for me now, my heart will break when I leave because Brazil will change my life forever.

I love my work. I love these people. I love everything about this mission. I bear my witness that these things are true in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
--
I am, as ever, your humble servant and never-deviating friend,

Sister Doyle

Temple Square--Week 6

2011-09-29T16:04:00.000-04:00

In my studies of the Book of Mormon, I've arrived again at the sections I have struggled most to be nourished from or apply into my life. Most people I've met struggle to appreciate the poetic and prophetic qualities of the Isaiah chapters in 2 Nephi.

The bane of my Book of Mormon-based existence has long been the war chapters in Alma. However, as a missionary I finally have an application in my life for these chapters.

Being a missionary is a lot like being in an army. We're men and women under authority who follow very specific orders to bring about the objectives and visions of our leaders. We each play a role in those visions and objectives, and the role we play depends entirely on the character of our leaders. I have more reason now to care about the wisdom expressed in the war chapters because they lay out so clearly the difference between good leadership and evil leadership—good leaders and evil leaders.

Alma 47 and 48 give a nearly side-by-side comparison for good and evil leadership. Chapter 47 focuses on Amalickiah, a wicked and deceptive man in the histories of the Lamanites. Chapter 48 focuses on Captain Moroni, one of the most righteous men in the entire Book of Mormon. Mormon as a historian doesn't just focus on the events in which these men had remarkable significance. He focuses on their qualities, which helps us as readers to avoid and apply their examples, respectively.

I want to comment on some of these differences and apply them to missionary work because I believe they apply so completely to members and missionaries alike today. Because Amalickiah was a tool in the hands of Satan, and Captain Moroni in the hands of Jesus Christ, we learn things about them respectively as leaders as well.

Mormon establishes the comparison he's making when he says, "Now it came to pass that while Amalickiah had thus been obtaining power by fraud and deceit, Moroni, on the other hand, had been preparing the minds of the people to be faithful unto the Lord their God." (Alma 48: 7)
Amaleckiah begins his deception by playing off of the division between his people and the Lamanites who don't want to fight the Nephites anymore. He specifically tries to gain favor with those who are disloyal and disobedient to the king. Captain Moroni gained favor with his people through loyalty to the gospel of Jesus Christ and being true to the Title of Liberty (Alma 47: 5 & Alma 48: 10, 12)
Amalickiah was double-minded, giving the appearance of serving the king, while also trying to achieve his own agenda by going against the will of the king. Captain Moroni has one purpose which is apparent in everything He does--to truly help his people by bringing them closer to Christ (Alma 47: 8 & Alma 48: 13)
Amalickiah works through secrecy and persistence--two of the elements of temptation. Captain Moroni relies on revelation from God to best care for his people (Alma 47: 10-12 & Alma 48: 15)
Amalickiah was perfectly willing to sacrifice his men to his opponents to accomplish his own selfish objectives. Captain Moroni protected ALL of his people, giving special attention to those who were most vulnerable. (Alma 47: 13-15 & Alma 48: 8-9)
Amalickiah murdered his commanding officer by means of deception (poison). Captain Moroni lived the laws of God regarding warfare and only used war to protect himself and his people. He did not delight in bloodshed at all. (Alma 47: 18 & Alma 48: 14, 16)
Amalickiah betrayed and murdered the king of the Lamanites, then covered it up through conspiracy. Captain Moroni defeated such evil through personal righteousness and relying entirely on Jesus Christ to save him and his people. (Alma 47: 22-24, 27, 34 & Alma 48: 17)
Amalickiah instigates war and causes others to sin and break their covenants. Captain Moroni encourages everyone to follow the Lord, to keep their covenants, and to pursue peace wherever possible. (Alma 48: 3 & 23-24)
Amalickiah's only strength is in numbers. Captain Moroni's strength is the power and promise of Christ. (Alma 48: 4 & 18-19)

When I read this list I liken Amalickiah to Satan, and Captain Moroni to Christ. It helps me to understand how to be a better missionary, a better soldier in the cause of Christ. I understand better who I'm up against, and how to fight smarter against my enemies. I know to whom I should look for guidance, and the power He has to save me from destruction. I find this list to be entirely consistent with my experiences from both the Adversary and the Savior.

My favorite realization was what I saw when I likened Alma 48: 17 to Christ Himself:

"Yea, verily, verily I say unto you, if all men had been, and were, and ever would be, like unto [Christ], behold, the very powers of hell would have been shaken forever; yea, the devil would never have power over the hearts of the children of men."

I know that by keeping the commandments of Jesus Christ, we find that power in our lives. Satan has no power to tempt us because we find no appeal in anything he offers, and the methods he encourages us to use are despicable in our sight. Some might be dissuaded from missionary service because they think there is a lack of freedom in our decision making. Some resist the call from prophets to live lives of discipline, honoring the commandments of Christ.

But if we do not serve Christ as He has instructed, who then do we serve?

I know that Christ lives and He loves us. I know He has the power to guide us and protect us, and I've received that protection from Him too many times to count. I know that as we live the gospel of Jesus Christ, we accomplish the purposes of our Father in Heaven. For Christ, there was nothing more important than the will of the Father. When we truly live our lives in the same way, we can liken Alma 48: 17 to ourselves, with our own name.

For me, there would be no greater reward.

--
I am, as ever, your humble servant and never-deviating friend,

Sister Doyle

Temple Square--Week 5

2011-09-23T16:15:00.001-04:00

I was on the Square today, and we saw a family at the Christus statue. After a really hard morning of being turned away abruptly from everyone we spoke to, this family was such a joy to see.

She was a mother, a member of the Church, and she had two young sons--they must have been about 3 and 4 years old. As soon as her children saw the Christus statue, they were so excited! Their little bodies were just an explosion of happiness, jumping and stomping their feet. Their smiles took up their whole faces, and their gazes were fixed on the face of the Savior. The youngest yelled, "JESUS!" and his little voice echoed and pierced me to my very soul. The feelings of my heart as I watched them both run up to the Christ statue and touch His feet... I can't describe in words the tenderness I felt. It brings me to tears now even to think of it.

In a moment, my soul was lifted up and nourished by the faith of these small children. I realized in a new way what Christ meant when He was teaching the twelve disciples this same lesson:

1 At the same time came the disciples unto Jesus, saying, Who is the agreatest in the kingdom of heaven?

2 And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them,

3 And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.

Matthew 18: 1-3

In the Book of Mormon, He taught the same thing to the Nephites when He appeared to them:

I say unto you, ye must repent, and be baptized in my name, and become as a little child, or ye can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God.

3 Nephi 11: 38

The faith of children is exactly what I saw in those small boys. They didn't have that reaction because their parents taught them to do that. They have that reaction because they know Jesus Christ--they knew Him before they came to this life. In their pure and innocent state, they remember him better now that they will for the rest of their lives. Seeing them, I see what Christ was talking about. We aren't just supposed to believe in Him as some far away person who just happened to die for our sins. The faith of a child is exactly like the faith of those small boys--to be totally overcome with joy not just at the thought of Christ, but the memory of Him. To immediately run to His feet because that's where our greatest joy--our home--is found.

I've personally experienced how being obedient and keeping the commandments has helped me to remember the Savior, and to remember the things I knew in my heart before I came to this earth. I wouldn't trade that knowledge, that memory, for anything in the world. And just when I needed that reminder the most, the Lord provided the perfect messengers to help me--two small boys who have no idea how much their souls have just blessed mine.

I know Jesus Christ lives. I know He is my Savior, and I couldn't serve this mission without Him. He leads me continually to my Father in Heaven, who strengthens me beyond my own abilities to do the things He has asked of me. Even though this mission is the hardest thing I've ever done, I'd do it again and more for Him. Experiences like the one I've had today remind me that all of this--everything I'm experiencing now--is worth everything I will pay for it.

I am, as ever, your humble servant and never-deviating friend,

Sister Doyle

Temple Square--Week 4

2011-09-16T20:35:00.001-04:00

Here is a list of my favorite things I've seen, heard, experienced and learned so far on Temple Square:

The two year old girl who says "Nebuchadnezzar."
There are about half a million creative ways to eat tortillas. And also, peanut butter.
The bride with the zebra-stripe bolero for her wedding dress, with matching bridesmaids.
If you say "Panda bear" in Mandarin with the wrong tones, you will say "Chest hair."
The round windows on the Salt Lake Temple actually open.
Members who see us walking, poke their small children and say, "Look! Missionaries!"
Inside jokes with other sisters because of the goofy things we experience in the call center. ("I don't have a brother.")
Trying not to laugh about aforementioned inside jokes when you pass other sisters on the Square.
Accidentally seeing President Packer. And by "seeing," I mean "almost plowing into the security detail of."
Randomly humming the music from different Visitor's Center displays.
Also, recognizing when other sisters are doing this.
The little boy who introduces himself as "Batman."
The picture of the man on top of the Temple Spire in the South Visitor's Center. I've made it a mission within my mission to find out what his name is.
D&C 60: 15
Life summed up by the convert from New York: "So you're a god, eventually. But can you pay rent?!"
The techno version of If You Could Hie to Kolob. With violins.
Trunkytown = the place I go when a wedding party comes out of the Temple.
Working in constant sight of the Temple is only a blessing if you take the time to see it often.

I am, as ever, your humble servant and never-deviating friend,

Sister Doyle

Temple Square--Week 3

2011-09-09T17:02:00.001-04:00

I just realized today that I'm passing through the valley of the shadow of death, also known as the three month mark of my mission.

Because I was trained to go to serve a proselyting mission in Brazil and I ended up at a Visitor's Center on Temple Square, there's a large gap between what I was trained to do and what I'm actually doing every day. I try very hard to be receptive to the guidance and the changes so I can adapt to all the things I didn't expect. It's a lot to take in, and sometimes I struggle with the constant correction. I know this isn't unique to me--it's a huge part of what it means to be a missionary. Receiving correction well from the Lord is a huge part of the refining process that every missionary experiences throughout his or her mission.

I was feeling particularly discouraged last night, so I decided to deal with how I was feeling this morning in my personal study. I didn't quite know where to start, but a scripture one of my companions shared from Proverbs 3 came to mind. That's how I found this counsel:

11 My son, despise not the chastening of the Lord; neither be weary of his correction:

12 For whom the Lord loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.

Our Heavenly Father does not give us correction because He hates us or is displeased with who we are or how hard we're trying. He loves us for who we are and He believes in us. He wants us to be successful, and He knows that we can do anything with His help. His correction is meant to help us and guide us so we can be successful. Whether we choose to feel good or bad about ourselves because of that correction is our choice, not His.

I was happy to receive that guidance, but I still craved the comfort of the Spirit--to see what I was still missing in my understanding so I could feel close to Him again.

I felt like I needed to read the Book of Mormon, and I opened to where I had left off last time. I opened to Alma 29, which is a chapter where Alma was struggling with the same desires I was feeling. Many people in the Church--including missionaries--see the first two verses...

1 O that I were an angel, and could have the wish of mine heart, that I might go forth and speak with the trump of God, with a voice to shake the earth, and cry repentance unto every people!

2 Yea, I would declare unto every soul, as with the voice of thunder, repentance and the plan of redemption, that they should repent and come unto our God, that there might not be more sorrow upon all the face of the earth.

...but they don't see the realization he makes afterwards:

3 But behold, I am a man, and do sin in my wish; for I ought to be content with the things which the Lord hath allotted unto me.

I've been struggling to understand what my role is here. I was trained to actively proselyte, which is what I expected to do. But being in a Visitor's Center, my role is one to extend invitations for others to meet with missionaries, but also to buildgood relationships with members of other faiths and to promote a good image of the Church. I've really struggled to know how I can show other faiths the same respect they show us by visiting us in Temple Square, but still fulfilling my responsibility as a missionary to share what I know to be the truth.

Alma answers that question in verse 4 when he says:

4 I ought not to harrow up in my desires the firm decree of a just God, for I know that he granteth unto men according to their desire, whether it be unto death or unto life; yea, I know that he allotteth unto men, yea, decreeth unto them decrees which are unalterable, according to their wills, whether they be unto salvation or unto destruction.

The Lord does not force people to come to him. He will give faith, knowledge, peace, and strength to those who want a relationship with him. For those who do not actively seek to build that relationship with Him, or to build one further, He does not force that upon them. Ultimately, He respects their choices and gives them exactly what they ask for--what He extends to them is always in harmony with the decisions they make to come closer or pull away from Him.

Alma went through this, and I love the conclusion he comes to of why he decided to serve a mission, even though he knew he couldn't convince people, nor was it his job to do so. He says:

12 Yea, I have always remembered the captivity of my fathers; and that same God who delivered them out of the hands of the Egyptians did deliver them out of bondage.

13 Yea, and that same God did establish his church among them; yea, and that same God hath called me by a holy calling, to preach the word unto this people, and hath given me much success, in the which my joy is full.

That's why I decided to serve a mission--because even the chance to help someone who wants my help reminds me of everything I've been through. I remember how it felt to walk into a Church building and feel as if I was coming home for the first time in my life. I remember how it felt to have my prayers answered. I remember how it felt to see my life changing, to see a power so much greater than I was come into my life. I remember feeling God's love for me, and knowing that He is my Father, and the first time I realized He had loved me all of my life.

Realizing that I have a relationship with the same God that delivered Moses and the Israelites out of Egypt--that I can rely on Him for help, comfort, and guidance--it brings such peace to my heart and soul. I love Him so much more than I ever could have had I never served this mission because I see more clearly how He works and how much He cares about every single person He brings to this Square.

Correction does bring wisdom, and wisdom helps us to see through the eyes of God. For now, while I'm new, those glances are only brief glimpses. But I know that as I grow, it will change. I love Him for that. I love the Book of Mormon and how it blesses my life. I love the Prophet Joseph Smith and the sacrifices he made to restore the Church of Jesus Christ to the earth again. I love my Savior and His atoning sacrifice. I love my Father in Heaven, and I know that every good thing that happens to us is because of His love for us all.

I am, as ever, your humble servant and never-deviating friend,

Sister Doyle

Fwd: Temple Square--Week 1

2011-08-26T15:58:00.001-04:00

The next time you visit Temple Square, imagine an entire world of women beneath your feet making the place run. I'm convinced that the entire reason the mission is run solely by sisters is because men simply couldn't keep up with the changes or the pace here.

Another sister who serves here is from a tiny island called Kiribati, and she is amazing. She has so much success all the time, more referrals and tours than she knows what to do with, and I asked her recently what her secret is.

"You just gotta move yo' bawdy."

I fell in love with that. I've thought about it a lot the past couple of days. The only way to keep up with things here is to keep moving, keep teaching. Keep testifying. Don't stop, don't stand still. Just keep moving and the long day will eventually end.

I've grown to appreciate the pioneers as I've thought about that too. They never stopped. Whether they were walking or pulling handcarts, riding in wagons, or burying their dead. They kept moving. And when they had nothing else to give, they prayed. God picked them up, put them on their feet, and told them to keep moving again.

To me, that's faith. It doesn't take a strong person to ask for help. It doesn't take a strong person to ask for what is obviously needed. It doesn't take a strong person to ask for God to step into our lives. It only takes humility to do that. But to learn about strength, about faith to move mountains--and then to take those mountains and build temples out of them--it takes moving when you think you have nothing left. It means going to the edge of everything you ever knew or understood about yourself, and digging deeper.

"Move yo' bawdy."

I hope I never forget it.

--
I am, as ever, your humble servant and never-deviating friend,

Sister Doyle

Goodbye is a Word Best Served before Breakfast

2011-08-19T15:47:00.001-04:00

My visa to Brazil still has not arrived. For missionaries going to Brazil, this means a temporary reassignment to another U.S. mission.

I've been called to serve part of my mission on Temple Square in Salt Lake City. I don't think anyone was more suprised by that assignment than I was. And now that I've arrived and I see what my life will be like for as long as I'm here, no one could be happier about my assignment than I am now.

The most amazing thing I've seen so far is that the mission is run entirely by sisters, with the exception of the Mission President--the assistants to the president, the zone leaders, the district leaders, all of them are sisters. I went from the MTC being surrounded by Elders and men, to being surrounded, greeted, hugged, hugged again, and introduced to more sisters than I've seen in almost two months. I absolutely adore my new assignment, and I'm eager to get to work and begin serving.

I had my first interview with my mission president, President Holmes, who is a kind and loving man. His perceptiveness to his missionaries is phenominal, and my interview with him was a sacred experience I will always treasure. He asked me direct questions about my life that only inspiration from the Spirit could prompt him to ask. He assigned me to my companions, a trio, whom I love already. I'm learning quiet lessons from their examples already, and I know the impact they will have on my life will change me forever.

Temple Square is a very busy mission. Much will be expected of me--that much has been made plain to me by the Lord, as well as in everything I see here. I need to decide now what kind of missionary I want to be, and always live up to that expectation of myself. How well I do this will determine the kind of missionary I become and the mission I will serve. I've received a lot of private correction in my heart from the Spirit already, and I see more clearly than ever what I have to change to be the sort of missionary who can change the world.

And I know that's exactly what the Lord intends for me to do. In my personal study of the Book of Mormon this morning, I was reminded of this simple fact:

"For behold, I am God; and I am a God of miracles; and I will show unto the world that I am the same yesterday, today, and forever; and I work not among the children of men save it be according to their faith."

2 Nephi 27: 23

Everything about Temple Square testifies of the fact that Heavenly Father loves all of His children. There is no nation, no kindred, no tongue or people that He has forgotten. There are sisters here from more countries than I could list, speaking languages from the furthest reaches of the globe. They regularly teach investigators from all over the world, and it's all because Heavenly Father loves all of His children. He knows where they are. He knows how to help them. He calls His servants because of their faith to come and teach His children. He brings them here in great abundance so they have the opportunity to learn the truth and to be saved.

Being a convert, my heart sings with joy to see others beginning their journey home to our Father in Heaven--even if they do not recognize that He has brought them here. The only thing I can do now is to do my best to teach with clarity and power the message Heavenly Father would share if He were here.

I know that Jesus is the Christ. He lived to teach us a perfect example, He died to bear our sins and heartaches, and He lives again that we might be saved. I know the Book of Mormon is a true testimony of Jesus Christ. It teaches us His gospel and, together with the Bible, helps us to discern between good and evil. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet, and I am honored to serve as a missionary in the Dispensation of the Fullness of Times.

I know that we have a living prophet today, President Thomas S. Monson. If we follow the council of the prophets and apostles, we will be prepared for the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. We will not be led astray by Satan and his angels, and we will have the power and the wisdom to resist all temptation until the day our Lord returns.

I bear that witness with all the love and sincerity of my soul in the sacred name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

MTC--Week 4

2011-07-25T12:05:00.001-04:00

Today, my companions and I are beginning to speak solely in Portuguese. I've not done a very good job of it so far, but my dictionary isn't here so the only thing I can really do from memory is testify or teach a rudimentary lesson. I've been focusing a lot of my language study on conjugation in preparation for today, and I can see the blessings of the Lord in my life helping me to recall what I've studied so I'm able to speak properly. It has been my blessing to see how the gift of tongues works in the life of a missionary. If you can imagine being able to recall something after you've studied it once, and being able to use it without difficulty--that is essentially what my experience with the gift of tongues has been. I've studied Hebrew and French in my life, and I've never had an easier time with a language that I'm having right now, and I know it has absolutely nothing to do with any skill of mine. My ability to speak is limited only by what I have studied and what words I make the effort to use on a regular basis. The thought of what else I could be accomplishing with such a capacity boggles the mind.

In my time in the MTC, I've heard a great deal about obedience. That's pretty standard, and it became much more understandable to me when I realized that there are new missionaries coming in on a regular basis who need the same instruction on the subject that I needed as a new missionary. But as I've taken the time to think about obedience in its proper context, alongside the grace and mercy of God, I've learned great lessons on how the Lord accomplishes His purposes.

Something that illustrates my point is in Lehi's dream. A lot of times we focus on and emphasize the symbols of the dream--the iron rode, the great and spacious building, the mocking crowds, and of course the tree. What we don't focus on is the beginning of the dream. Around verse 8, we see Lehi wandering for hours, as he describes it, in darkness and despair. The thing he does to instigate the dream--the spark to the whole experience--is when he prays to receive the mercy of the Lord, (see verse 1 Nephi 8: 8.)

The only way that Lehi could understand the great love that God has for him, his family, and for all of humankind, is through the mercies of the Lord. If Lehi had never called for those mercies to come down uponhis head, he enver would've had that vision. He never would've become the man God intended him to be, the gospel head of two nations in a new land. Without mercy, there can be no love--and certainly no understanding of the love of God. Without mercy, there is no hope--no hope of redemption, no life. Lehi would've remained in the darkness he described in his dream.

That is exactly the life we live when we rely on the law to save us. Lehi was brought to and understanding of his standing before God, and it was hopeless and helplessly dark because he did not yet know or understand the mercies of the Lord. Everything that happened to his family after this vision is because of one prayer--a prayer for mercy which only the Atonement of Jesus Christ has extended to the entire human family. Nothing else has provided for that redemption.

We sometimes think that we need to be obedient because through obedience we have greater merit in the sight of God, and that is what allows us to perform greater miracles, or to have greater faith. This, however, is false. In the sermon of King Benjamin, specifically from Mosiah 2, we learn in powerful word the truth of the relationship between mercy and obedience. If we served God with everything we have to give, giving all of ourselves according the laws God has set, we will still be unprofitable servants because our contribution is still miniscule in comparison to the great and eternal gifts God has given to us. We couldn't earn our happiness even if we tried. We certainly could never pay back the great debt we have to God for our very lives and all the great blessings we have received.

But deserving our blessings was never the point. That's not why they were given to us, and that's not what we should be doing with them. We have the ability, even in our imperfect state to share those blessings--to magnify their influence in the lives of others. Through the mercy of God, our efforts are complete, no matter how imperfect. I'm convinced that the greatest blessings no more automatically belong to those who blindly and unwillingly follow the requirements of laws than to anyone else. That is not what obedience and mercy are about.

Mercy and obedience together create within us a deep love and gratitude for what the Lord has done for us. Those who embrace this appreciation with sincerity are better off than the blind and grudging obedience of one who hopes to get something out of acting a part instead of changing himself/'herself. Obedience for obedience's sake is a lie and an act, and must be carefully rooted out of the heart of every disciple who truly wants to serve God and keep His commandments.

That is why the first two commandments are and always will be to love the Lord with all our hearts and to love each other. Breaking those commandments bring the greatest condemnation under the law, and nothing else we do can justify us if we lack that love in our hearts.

I know that God lives, and I know His love and mercy is the purpose for everything we do. As we increase in obedience, our love for others and for God must also increase. That is the testimony and experience of my life, and I bear that witness in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

--
I am, as ever, your humble servant and never-deviating friend,

Sister Doyle

Things I have Learned So Far at the MTC

2011-07-18T14:52:00.000-04:00

You know you love your companion when you dive at the closing door between you like it's the difference between life and death.
It's impossible to yawn and smile at the same time.
The tree next to the Samuel Smith statue smells like red cream soda.
Never give Elders balloons. Ever.
There's a special corner of outer darkness reserved for parents who don't write their missionaries.
Singing Bohemian Rhapsody together is always a surreal experience, especially before teaching a lesson in Portuguese. Also, no one ever remembers all of the words.
Portuguese is better than French. (The evidence is in the conjugation. I love it!)
Your teachers fall asleep during your lessons.
Sharing your conversion story in Relief Society will get you a lot of free hugs.
You come in with no brothers and leave with 7.
Dying watch battery = having to do a door approach when you're late to class
Cannibalism trumps chivalry. An Elder would honestly rather chew his own arm off than let a sister get in front of him in the breakfast line.
Chuck Norris jokes and song lyrics are funnier when applied to other missionaries (Ex: "Chuck Norris wears Elder Brown pajamas," or "Elder Brown is the reason for the tear drops on my guitar.")
Hair dryers at 6:15 in the morning are the root of all evil. Conversations in the bathroom at 5:45, doubly so.
You haven't lived until you have been serenaded by Tongans or Samoans.
There are a million ways to break the rules, but only one way to obey them.
You know you're a missionary when you know which song in the media library is "the Mormon High School Musical song," and you think the Mormon.org videos are better than YouTube.

Most importantly of all, however, I've learned that prayers are powerful. I can feel the prayers that members all over the world say for the missionaries, and I've felt those prayers sustaining me as I train myself for the days I have ahead of me. Those prayers mean everything to me, and to everyone who ever reads this who has prayed for the missionaries, thank you from the bottom of my heart. It means more to me than you will ever know.

I love the Lord and I love His restored Church. I love the gospel and how it blesses families. I know that Jesus is the Christ, that Joseph Smith was a prophet and that the Book of Mormon is true. I'm sorry I only have one lifetime to give for this work, but glad I get to spend the one I have serving the Lord and His children.

--
I am, as ever, your humble servant and never-deviating friend,

Sister Doyle

MTC--I've lost count completely

2011-07-11T11:37:00.001-04:00

The MTC continues to be a place of great change and challenge for me. In many ways, I feel as if I'm being prepared for greater things than I've ever dared to imagine. I've been on the receiving end of many answered prayers and private miracles that have been essential to many of the lessons I've learned.

Being a solo-sister, a coordinating sister, a visa waiter, and a convert is a very interesting combination here at the MTC. The uniqueness of my position and the influence I have (specifically) upon elders because of it has given me a deeper appreciation for Deborah from the Book of Judges, that "mother in Israel" who stood beside men in battle, whose courage inspired them to prepare themselves, to go and fight to preserve what mattered most in life. The reality has been impressed upon my mind that much of what I'm doing here is like combat training, only instead of training for literal warfare, we train for spiritual battle instead. The rigor of the planning of our days is essential to our success, and stepping up to that standard of wasting absolutely no time seemed unattainable to me until I began to see it through the lense of life and death. Success that is planned for in the Lord is victory. Anything short than that is sub-par, and will feel like a defeat simply because the greatest blessing was not obtained, the best performance was not given to the Lord. If I learn nothing else from the MTC, if I relay nothing else to my comrades in arms, I would wish to impress upon the minds of my fellow servants the importance of inspired planning.

I've also been given an assignment to share my conversion story in Relief Society, which gives me a special chance to speak to all of the sisters serving in the MTC at this time. Thinking about the number of people, the calibur of hearts and souls within the angels to which I will be testifying is daunting to consider. But we are brought to our positions and assignments through the wisdom and will of the Lord. I believe that now more than I ever have in my life. I've seen how my experiences here have helped me to have a rough idea of what I need to say and what aspects of my experience will bless the lives of my fellow sisters.

I know that the word we're preapring to do here in the MTC is the most important work on the face of this earth. Noting short of vistory is it is acceptable. My life is my testimony to that truth, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

--
I am, as ever, your humble servant and never-deviating friend,

Sister Doyle

MTC--Week 2... Or 3

2011-07-04T11:05:00.001-04:00

I read Catch-22 back in high school, and there was always this question as to whether or not anything that was happening in the book was real, or if the narrator was just crazy.

Being in the MTC is a lot like that, especially when you're a solo sister. A member of my branch presidency acknowledged that the MTC is a lot different than the mission field in a way that really is artificial, and I can't really express how much of a relief that was to hear. Knowing that my entire mission isn't going to be like the MTC is one of the best balms of Gilead I've received since I've been here.

Things are going well. I'm learning a lot about what it means to teach simply. And even though the take-home lesson from everything we do here is supposed to be obedience, I spent enough time in Utah at BYU to know that obedience to the law never compensates for a lack of love for others in the heart of a disciple. So, the aim I've chosen for my time here is to learn how to teach with love and through the Spirit. I trust that if I do that and somehow don't get around to shining my shoes, I'm not going to ruin my mission or go straight to hell.

Do they say that openly? No. But is it implied in almost every setting we go to? It has been my experience so far, especially since I was made coordinating sister. A coordinating sister is basically the female equivalent of a zone leader, and it's basically my job to help new sisters in my district adapt well to the MTC, and to make sure sisters in my residence hall are abiding by the MTC rules.

I appreciate that this position exists, because the dissemination of information at the MTC is really tricky. Having a chain of communication for all the expectations and rules is useful. But I admit, I didn't realize that such a leadership position was basically a hall monitor, babysitter, and would include asking sisters to put their hair dryers away after 10:15 every night.

In a lot of ways, I'm beginning to understand what a mother goes through. She spends all of her time trying to take care of others, making sure they're doing what they're supposed to do. And the price she pays is to essentially have no time to herself, except what time she can steal as she says her prayers at night--sometimes through tears because she's just so tired.

Realizing, though, the kind of influence I have here though, and seeing what it has already taught me about the kind of woman the Savior wants me to be, I would trade any of this for any other experience in the world.

I'm here because I love my Heavenly Father, I love my Savior Jesus Christ, and I know that the message of His gospel is worth every price we pay to share it. I bear that witness in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

I am, as ever, your humble servant and never-deviating friend,

Sister Doyle

MTC--Week 1

2011-06-27T17:47:00.001-04:00

After much confusion at the airport, I finally arrived at the Provo MTC. From the moment I shook the host Elders hands, there has been a new happiness that has entered my life that I can't describe as anything other than the Spirit of God.

I'm grateful for that abiding joy because it has helped me to adapt to everything I've had to face here.

I soon discovered that I've entered the ranks of special sisters called solo-sisters--sisters who are alone in their districts, and who therefore are not able to have conventional companions. I have two companions from the ESL program with two sisters preparing to serve in the Temple Square mission--one from Japan, and one from Brazil. I love them both, but with the exception of P-day I almost never see them. I spend the majority of my time with the Elders in my district.

For the first day or so I was here, I felt like a drop in bucket--a rare female face among a sea of Elders in white shirts and suit jackets. The lack of time I spend with my sister companions made the difference even more pronounced, and for several hours I felt alone--even though I was surrounded by people.

But since my first day, my Elders and I have come to grow in respect and Christ-like love for each other. They treat me with sensitivity, chivalry, and respect and I've come to love being a solo-sister. I've had and will have an experience that few other sisters in the MTC ever get to have.

The influence that I have on my elders is important, and I've come to appreciate how important it was for me to come here instead of going to the Brazil CTM. I wouldn't trade the experiences I'm having here for any other I could've had. As has been true in so many other times in my life, the Lord gave me what I really needed instead of what I thought I wanted, and it has made all the difference in how He has been able to bless me and others.

I know that God lives. I know that Jesus is the Christ, that the Book of Mormon is the word of God, and that the Church of Jesus Christ is the restored church of Christ on the earth today. I bear that witness with love and gratitude to my Savior, and in his name, even Jesus Christ. Amen.

--
I am, as ever, your humble servant and never-deviating friend,

Sister Doyle

Paradox says Farewell

2011-06-20T02:09:00.000-04:00

Brothers and sisters, I’m not one for long introductions. Suffice it to say, the last time I was a member of this congregation, it was the Rising Sun branch and I was a teenager.

I love this place. I received my testimony of the restored Church here. I was baptized here. This ground is holy ground for me, and I pray that it will always be to every heart and soul who enters this sacred place.

I’ll be leaving shortly on a mission to the Brazil São Paulo Interlagos mission, and I’m here today to deliver a farewell message to you. I pray that the Lord will help me to have the courage to deliver this powerful message, and that we all might have the Spirit to be lifted and edified together on the subject of talents.

The talents we’ve been given are gifts from the Lord to increase our spirituality. They make up our unique identity as a child of God. If you wonder what makes you different from everyone else that Heavenly Father has created and brought into His fold, look to your talents. If you think the purpose of the gospel is to make you into something you’re not, look to your spiritual gifts. Your talents were given to you in the preexistence, and developing them is not forcing you to become someone you’re not. They’re hidden treasures of your soul that will help you to more fully become the person you were then—the amazing, beautiful son or daughter of God you already are.

Our talents have been customized and given to us based on our personalities. Heavenly Father gave us specific talents and capacities we need to be happy, and to make our contribution to His kingdom. It was true of our first parents, Father Adam and Mother Eve, and it’s true for us today.

Look at Mother Eve. Of all the things Lucifer could have used to persuade her, he chose knowledge and wisdom. He compelled her with the assurance that she would become like God. Out of all the ways he could have chosen, why did Lucifer choose those particular ways?

12 And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it became pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make her wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and also gave unto her husband with her, and he did eat.
Moses 4

If she had not yet fallen, and could not yet know good from evil, how could she understand knowledge and wisdom enough to desire them? Even in her innocence, she felt desires for wisdom—to use those talents which God had given her. They would show through regardless of whether or not she knew about them. They drove her towards her roles and responsibilities in the gospel, towards her motherhood and her greatest happiness. If Eve had never fallen, she would have remained a stranger to herself, to her great power and potential as a divine daughter of exalted parents.

Adam’s motivation was different because his talents were different. In 2 Nephi 2: 25, Lehi teaches us that:

“Adam fell that man might be, and men are that they might have joy.”

I always understood that to mean that the Fall was imposed upon Adam because it was necessary. He needed to stay with Eve, and everyone who has ever lived on the earth needed to be born and receive the gospel. Until very recently, I thought that because of God and because of Lucifer, Adam fell.

But Adam fell willingly and deliberately. He took a bold and fearless step into the unknown, Adam FELL, caused himself to fall, that man might be. To him, transgressing the law was a real act of faith because everything in him desires so much to be obedient. I personally don’t believe the commandment to multiply and replenish the earth and the law not to partake of the fruit are contradictory. They work together to accomplish the same one purpose of the Lord—to allow us all to come to mortality. But to Adam, they would have been a test to see if He could distinguish which law was more important to obey. If he was going to be the father of all living, he needed to be able to choose his children before his own security, his own blessing. To say that Adam fell that man might be is a statement that tells us why Adam chose to Fall, and what we all mean to him.

Adam and Eve’s talents were essential to the Fall. They came to earth, and discovered talents and capacities they never dreamed they could have. Adam begins by doing much of what he did in Eden, caring for the grounds and the animals. Eve labored with him, and they learned to appreciate hard work. Then the Lord begins to institute and organize his priesthood among them, and they begin to grown in their spiritual talents.

Adam and Eve needed to learn how to live separated from God, and the Lord teaches them what He expects of them so they can return to Him. The truths that Adam and Eve learn from the Lord at this time are simple and complete. They focus on repentance and the redemption Adam and Eve will find in Jesus Christ. The truths, doctrines, and power they received were never more simple and unified than they were in Adam and Eve’s hands at that time.

In Moses 5: 5, we see that Adam and Eve first learn to sacrifice. The angel teaches them:

…This thing is a similitude of the sacrifice of the Only Begotten of the Father, which is full of grace and truth.
8 Wherefore, thou shalt do all that thou doest in the name of the Son, and thou shalt repent and call upon God in the name of the Son forevermore.
Moses 5

Adam and Eve both have their eyes opened, and the voice of the Lord tells them of their redemption from the Fall.

…I am the Only Begotten of the Father from the beginning, henceforth and forever, that as thou hast fallen thou mayest be redeemed, and all mankind, even as many as will.
Moses 5: 9

Nothing could’ve been a greater comfort to them than to realize and remember that they and their generations were not lost forever in their mortal state. What Adam and Eve say then are two of the most beautiful statements in all of scripture.

Adam says, “Blessed be the name of God, for because of my transgression my eyes are opened, and in this life I shall have joy, and again in the flesh I shall see God.”

Brethren, do you live in the joy of knowing you will see God again? Does being strictly obedient bring you joy? If not, how can you use your talents to make obedience a more pleasant experience for yourself, your families, and for others?

Eve says, “Were it not for our transgression we never should have had seed, and never should have known good and evil, and the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient.”

Sisters, do you treasure your children and grandchildren, even if you are not yet married? Do you actively grow in your understanding of good and evil, and share your wisdom with your children? Have you used your talents to become a better gospel teacher? Do you exercise your talents through visiting teaching to help other sisters grow?

Adam and Eve progress in their covenants for the rest of their lives, and every time they do so, it’s because they grew sufficiently in their individual talents. But how is that accomplished? What do our talents do to bring us closer to the Lord and His Spirit?

Developing our talents is a crucial part of genuine repentance. If we are not including our talents in that repentance, we are not giving the Lord all of ourselves, and our repentance is being frustrated. We may learn the wrongness of our actions, and we may even feel remorse for what we’ve done. But we need to change our behavior and our hearts. This happens as we make powerful personal sacrifices, and I know of no better way to do this than by consecrating talents and abilities to the Lord.

When that is the kind of repentance we live by, a greater capacity to be obedient comes into our lives. That obedience allows us to progress towards the work of our day. Just as Adam and Eve had great purposes of the Lord attached to their talents, we too have a work to perform which depends on us growing in our talents.

After Adam blesses Enoch, he began to build the holy city of Zion. It’s a city built entirely of consecrated talents, where the inhabitants “had all things common,” (4 Nephi 1: 3) and were “of one heart and one mind.” (Moses 7: 18) I bring him up because Enoch’s work in his Zion is inseparable from our work today in this dispensation. The Lord told Enoch of our great work when He said:

…As I live, even so will I come in the last days, in the days of wickedness and vengeance, to fulfil the oath which I have made unto you concerning the children of Noah;
61 And the day shall come that the earth shall rest, but before that day the heavens shall be darkened, and a veil of darkness shall cover the earth; and the heavens shall shake, and also the earth; and great tribulations shall be among the children of men, but my people will I preserve;
62 And righteousness will I send down out of heaven; and truth will I send forth out of the earth, to bear testimony of mine Only Begotten; his resurrection from the dead; yea, and also the resurrection of all men; and righteousness and truth will I cause to sweep the earth as with a flood, to gather out mine elect from the four quarters of the earth, unto a place which I shall prepare, an Holy City, that my people may gird up their loins, and be looking forth for the time of my coming; for there shall be my tabernacle, and it shall be called Zion, a New Jerusalem.
Moses 7

We have each been given talents which will help us to stand in our place in our day—to build Zion to our God. We are progressing as individuals and families in positions to which every previous dispensation has looked and eagerly anticipated, hoped and waited. They knew the talents that would be extended to us specific to our positions, and they wanted to be a part of our day. (Alma 29: 1-2)

Do we have talents specific to our work in Zion? Absolutely! Read any prophecy about the latter days, and you will read about the righteous and the power they will possess.

…I will pour out my spirit upon all flesh; and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, your old men shall dream dreams, your young men shall see visions:
29 And also upon the servants and upon the handmaids in those days will I pour out my spirit.
30 And I will shew wonders in the heavens and in the earth, blood, and fire, and pillars of smoke.
31 The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood, before the great and the terrible day of the Lord come.
32 And it shall come to pass, that whosoever shall call on the name of the Lord shall be delivered: for in mount Zion and in Jerusalem shall be deliverance, as the Lord hath said, and in the remnant whom the Lord shall call.
Joel 2

That description is powerful because the potential of our talents is a marvelous sight to behold. Visions, prophecies, miracles—these experiences do not belong solely to prophets, apostles, or general authorities. You can have them too if you prepare yourself in righteousness, as they have; and if you have real need of them, as they do. And I promise you and warn you this day, you will never have greater need for inspiration than you will as you strengthen and bless your families, and build the kingdom of God.

Visions, prophecies, and miracles attend those who have the gift of the Holy Ghost. Use your talents as the Lord directs, and you will magnify the gift of the Holy Ghost in your life.

If you ponder, in all honesty, what it means to have the Spirit to be with you—to have a member of the Godhead under binding covenant to dwell with you and guide you—it is exciting, and daunting, and humbling all at once. It awakens us to a sense of our greatness in the sight of God. But it is only a precursor to the talent and defining blessing of Zion and her inhabitants.

What is the talent which all men and women in Zion possess—the thing that makes Zion different from any other place on earth—so difficult to build, but worth hoping and sacrificing for, even unto death?

What is Zion?

And Enoch and all his people walked with God, and he dwelt in the midst of Zion;
Moses 7: 69

To walk with God means to see Jesus Christ exactly as He is, and to be able to speak with Him, “even as a man talketh one with another, face to face.” (Moses 7: 4) It is the talent which is extended to the inhabitants of Zion who have earned it through sufficient repentance, honoring their covenants, and consecrating their talents. As we discover, explore, and develop our individual talents, that great talent of Zion will become a clearer and more attainable reality.

Adam-ondi-Ahman in Daviess County, Missouri

There is a reason I’ve spent so much time talking about Adam and Eve this morning as a precursor to talking about Zion and our latter-day work. It’s because our return to Zion and their return home to Eden is the same journey.

Everything we need to build Zion was originally extended as a blessing to Adam and Eve, which they handed down to their generations. Those blessings were changed, lost, taken away, restored, lost again, and fragmented many times throughout the history of this earth. A restoration, not a reformation, is the only thing which has ever reinstated those blessings. A restoration of truth, of priesthood, of the gospel of Jesus Christ is exactly what we claim to have here today.

But sometimes we think of that Restoration as something that happened once in 1820 and ended after the First Vision. That is when the Restoration began. The Restoration continued on as the offices of the Priesthood were restored, the temples built, and the keys restored. It continues today, and will continue until Adam returns to Adam-ondi-Ahman “the place where Adam shall come to visit his people, or the Ancient of Days shall sit, as spoken of by Daniel the prophet.” (D&C 116)

Joseph Smith never intended to hide that fact, which is why we find it clearly stated in the Articles of Faith:

10 We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory.

When the Prophet Joseph Smith entered Jackson County, Missouri in July of 1831, I have no doubt that he understood where he was standing was a deeply significant place. It’s the place where Eden once stood, and the Lord revealed that to him and to us in D&C 57:

“This is the land of promise, and the place for the city of Zion.”
D&C 57: 2

About two weeks later, the Saints who were gathering wanted to know what the significance was of Missouri. The Lord reveals it to them, which we read about in D&C 58:

6 Behold, verily I say unto you, for this cause I have sent you—that you might be obedient, and that your hearts might be prepared to bear testimony of the things which are to come;
7 And also that you might be honored in laying the foundation, and in bearing record of the land upon which the Zion of God shall stand;
8 And also that a feast of fat things might be prepared for the poor; yea, a feast of fat things, of wine on the lees well refined, that the earth may know that the mouths of the prophets shall not fail;
9 Yea, a supper of the house of the Lord, well prepared, unto which all nations shall be invited.
10 First, the rich and the learned, the wise and the noble;
11 And after that cometh the day of my power; then shall the poor, the lame, and the blind, and the deaf, come in unto the marriage of the Lamb, and partake of the supper of the Lord, prepared for the great day to come.

The marriage of the Lamb is the feast of the faithful—the Sacrament Meeting to end all Sacrament Meetings. The righteous in attendance will return to Eden, to the New Jerusalem, in preparation for the Savior to begin His reign on the earth. Those who have received their celestial inheritances will be gathered there with Adam and Eve into the rest and service of the Lord forever. Among the rich symbolism behind the Sacrament we partook of this morning, one of the most important layers of meaning points to that feast. By partaking of the Sacrament, we promised to be at that feast of the faithful—having given all we possess, talents included, to be there.

Brothers and sisters, I hope we meet again in that holy place. I hope we all are counted worthy to stand in the presence of God. I pray we will all seek that redemption and live in that hope. As hard as things may become for you, as much as you may be tried, be strong. Know that God loves you, and He is leading you to that good place.

I know that God lives, and I know that Jesus is the Christ. He is the reason for everything we do here today. We love Him. We worship Him. We believe that He atoned for our sins in Gethsemane, died for us on Calvary’s cross, and rose on the third day that we might rise, conquerors over death. He bids us to follow Him, and by making and keeping covenants with Him, we are saved.

I bear you my witness that this Church is true, that the gospel is real, that Joseph Smith was a prophet and a good man. I am so happy and excited to serve a mission wherever the Lord will send me in addition to Brazil, and I bear you my witness in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Called to Paradox

2011-06-18T05:29:00.000-04:00

Because I had such a great time making a temple prep playlist, I thought it only appropriate to make one for mission prep. However, I feel like such an undertaking needs to come with a disclaimer.

The temple is a beautiful representation of everything that is best in life, in eternity, in mankind, and in righteousness. It's beautiful in every imaginable way--serene, quiet, and approachable. That constant peace and calm, the comfort of the Spirit, is among the many reasons why the temple is such a pleasant place to be.

Missions are not like that.

Going on a mission is a very different experience from going to the temple. That is why I find it so odd that even to this day, some members of the Church associate qualifying for a temple recommend with being mentally and emotionally prepared to serve a mission. The whole purpose of raising the bar for missionary service was to eliminate this assumption because a mission requires so much more than the spiritual bare minimum.

I've never heard anyone anywhere say that their mission was perfect--totally devoid of all problems, a season of perfect peace, enjoyment, and relaxation. If I ever heard a returned missionary say such a thing, I'd be strongly tempted to ask them if they were called to serve in a cardboard box.

What you do with the gospel in powerful, meaningful ways is infinitely more important than what you know about it. As such, these talks I've assembled are not meant to impart information in the same way my temple playlist did. This list is meant to inspire action--changes of habit, heart, and mind. They give meaningful, important suggestions for how we can become better missionaries--not just how to go on a mission.

Materials and Resources:

Provo Missionary Training Center website (What time do you report? What should you bring? Click to find out)
Preach My Gospel, (additional languages available under link)
Mission Preparation Manual, Church Education System
Into All the World, a podcast from the Mormon Channel (Do you have a mission call? Has your mission been discussed? Find out here.)

Talks:

Planning for a Full and Abundant Life, Spencer W. Kimball (Note: the assertion that every young man has an obligation to serve a mission was given here.)
The Greatest Generation of Missionaries, M. Russell Ballard (Precursor to the raising of the bar)
Letter issued by the First Presidency on December 11, 2002, which formally raised the bar for missionary service. Every missionary candidate should be aware of the contents of this letter. Absolute sexual purity and emotional stability are now required to serve a mission because of this letter. If anything about these two requirements confuses you, ask your bishop or stake president to discuss this letter with you. Be aware that any sexual transgression before your mission will significantly delay your missionary service, if not instantly disqualify you.
Raising the Bar, L. Tom Perry
As We Meet Together Again, Thomas S. Monson
The Lord Needs Missionaries, Thomas S. Monson
The Divine Call of a Missionary, Ronald A. Rasband
The Essential Role of Member Missionary Work, M. Russell Ballard
My Missionary Experiences, Joseph Fielding Smith
Missionary Experiences, LeGrand Richards
A Call to the Rising Generation, Brent H. Nielson
Becoming a Missionary, David A. Bednar
The Five M's of Missionary Work, Thomas S. Monson

Scriptures:

D&C 4
D&C 11
D&C 79 (The mission call of Jared Carter, who would bring John Tanner into the Church)
Luke 9: 59-62
Acts 1: 6-8
Acts 3: 11-15
Acts 9: 1-31
1 Peter 3: 8-16
Alma 19: 16-18, 28-29
Alma 22: 13-18
Alma 26
Helaman 5
Judges 4 (It occurs to me that in the mindset of the Old Testament, missionary work and idolatry are both totally synonymous with military might and conquest. Therefore, reading about the armies and battles of Israel in the Old Testament is like reading about the great missionaries of the ancient world.)
Judges 7: 1-9
Joshua 1: 9-11

(As always, feel free to leave your favorites and suggestions in the comments.)

This is only a cursory look at one of the most important responsibilities we have in the Church. Missionary work has such a rich history, with so many men and women working together at the battlefront. I have waited for many years to be able to join them, and in a few days time I will begin my own ministry in the Lord.

I've been reassigned to the Provo MTC until further notice, due to delays with my visa. If it comes before the end of my training, I will go straight to the Brazil CTM and finish my training there. I was disappointed about the change at first, but have since embraced the idea of returning to Utah to train with my comrades in arms there. I know that as long as I serve with willing men and women who desire to bring others to Christ, it doesn't matter where I train.

I know that the ministry I'm about to enter is for the true and living Church of Jesus Christ upon the earth today. His authority and power have been restored, and all who will seek those blessings can receive them if they will follow Jesus Christ and be baptized in His name. I know that the name of Jesus Christ is the only name under heaven by which we can saved, returning home to the presence of our Heavenly Father.

That desire to return home, having given all, is the defining expression of my faith--the greatest desire of my life. I am privileged to take my testimony to the world, and I do so in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Holy Paradox!

2011-06-07T04:39:00.004-04:00

I went through the temple to receive my endowment a few weeks ago. It was the most beautifully profound, the most peaceful experience of my life. I was comfortable and prepared for what I saw and the promises I made. It was a simple, yet powerful display of truths I've been taught and have been living for many years. Years of scripture study, fervent prayers, and teaching from the Holy Ghost came together before my eyes. I could see plainly that in every blessing and hardship, the Lord had been leading me to this beautiful place.

In the Celestial Room, I felt at home. I had no questions. I needed no answers, no visions, no voices from heaven or signs from the earth. All was still and quiet, and I was at peace with everything--including myself. In the silence, I was healed and blessed by God. All my problems became weightless, and I felt a quiet triumph as many years of waiting were finally lain to rest.

Not everyone has that experience. For some, the covenants and symbolism of the temple ceremonies are strange and unfamiliar territory. I've watched as dozens of my friends and associates have gone through the temple before me and come out staggering, claiming the only thing they learned was how much they didn't understand. Even after a lifetime of reading scriptures, going to Church, and going through standard temple prep classes, the ordinances can still seem strange and confusing.

So, I'm using this post as a temple preparation playlist. Below are a compilation of talks, scriptures, and other odds and ends which explain the doctrines of the temple. I've also included talks that explain the history of the ceremonies. Some of the talks I've included do not clarify ordinances directly, but they explain aspects of the covenants associated with the ordinances--thereby making the covenants easier to keep.

If you have suggestions for talks or addresses to add, feel free to leave them in the comments.

Initiatory

Exodus 28: 42
Exodus 29: 4, 7
Leviticus 8: 6-9
John 13: 8-10, 14-15
Revelation 1: 5-6
Revelation 3: 12, 21
D&C 88: 74-75, 85
D&C 138: 58-59
The Divine Nature and Destiny of Women, Glenn L. Pace
Mothers Who Know, Julie B. Beck
Reflections in the Water, Dieter F. Uchtdorf
The Power of Covenants, D. Todd Christofferson
The Value of a Good Name, L. Tom Perry

Endowment

Exodus 29: 4-9
Moses 4-7
Abraham 3-5
D&C 129
D&C 76
Alma 12: 26-27
2 Nephi 2: 17-26
Exodus 26: 33
Exodus 25: 22
Helaman 14: 16-18
Hebrews 10: 19-20
John 20: 26-30
John 14: 21, 23
D&C 130: 1-3
The Grandeur of God, Jeffrey R. Holland
The Three Pillars of Eternity, Bruce R. McConkie
The Great Visions of the Pearl of Great Price, S. Michael Wilcox
The Lengthening Shadow of Peter, Jeffrey R. Holland
The Inconvenient Messiah, Jeffrey R.Holland
What Did Josiah Reform?: The Earlier Religion of Israel, Margaret Barker
Reflections on a Consecrated Life, D. Todd Christofferson
Filling the Measure of Your Creation, Patricia T. Holland
Salvation and Exaltation, Russell M. Nelson

I haven't as of yet experienced the sealing ordinances, so I'll have to redo this list after I have that experience. It'll be interesting to see what I add to it once I've been through it myself. In the meantime, here's my list:

Sealings

Malachi 4: 5-6
D&C 2
D&C 128: 16-18, 24
D&C 138
Moses 6-7
Matthew 16: 19
Mosiah 5: 15
Helaman 10: 6-11
D&C 132
Generations Linked in Love, Russell M. Nelson
The Eternal Blessings of Marriage, Richard G. Scott
The Gathering of Scattered Israel, Russell M. Nelson
Opening Our Hearts, Gerald N. Lund
Building an Eternal Home, Gordon B. Hinckley
You Were Born to Lead, You Were Born for Glory, Sheri Dew
Strengthen Home and Family, Mary N. Cook

I know the temple is the House of the Lord, and I'm grateful for my opportunity to go there. There is no better place in the world to be because the Lord is there. I know that as we prepare ourselves to go there in soberness and with quiet and reverent joy, we will be blessed with the Holy Ghost and the revelation he brings. Our spiritual strength will increase, and we will have greater happiness and faith in our lives than we have yet experienced.

I love the temple, I love the Lord, and I love the covenants I've made with Him. I share that testimony in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen

Newsflash--the Eschatology of Paradox

2011-06-03T06:07:00.000-04:00

Paradox on Obtaining a Visa

2011-05-10T14:59:00.001-04:00

About a week after a missionary receives his or her call from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, another lovely piece of correspondence arrives. This is where the fun really begins. Be watching for this paperwork. When you are headed to Brazil, it will have the following items inside:

Master Letter--this is going to be your Iron Rod. Except when it's not. So don't lose it. Don't even breathe on it. It's that important. It has an interesting due date on it which we will discuss momentarily.
A list of the Secretaries of State for all 50 states and various provinces, and their contact information--This is also important. Calling them is excellent if you have any questions. If you get stuck at any point and you hit a dead end, someone in one of those offices should be able to help you.
Pre-addressed envelope for mailing your documents to the Church travel office
2 Visa applications--to be filled out according to the instructions on the letter (requires passport)
Blank Curriculum Vitae Form
Blank Seminary Graph letter
Blank Seminary Certificate form
Yellow (well, mine was yellow) Information sheet
Flight information--this information assumes you will be leaving for the Brazil MTC, so it is subject/likely to change

I tend to panic in situations where I'm totally unfamiliar with what is expected of me--especially when, upon discovering the expectations, I discover that I am ill-equipped to meet them. I mention this because my first moment of unadulterated terror struck me as soon as I read the date on my Master Letter by which all of my documents needed to be received.

The date printed on the letter reads 12 April 2011. That date has been whited out with a white out strip, and has MAR 14 2011 stamped over it.

I didn't have a passport. Those documents were not going to be received by MAR 14 2011. That was the first of many panic attacks induced by the contents of my visa packet, and it had been in my possession for less than two minutes.

So, I called the Church travel office contact enclosed with my visa packet. After a brief conversation, I discovered that I could send the documents in two batches, arranged as follows:

First mailing: These documents can be completed once you have your passport and sent directly to the Church travel office.

Passport
2 completed visa applications, with passport photo attached to each
2 additional passport photos [NOTE: 4 passport photos at Wal Mart are about $14]
2 copies of your birth certificate
Yellow information sheet

This information MUST be received as soon as possible. This information allows the Church travel office to begin negotiating your visa, while you complete the rest of your documents.

Second mailing: These documents must go through your state's State Department before they can be sent to the Church travel office

Notarized AND authenticated seminary certificate
Notarized AND authenticated seminary graph letter
Notarized AND authenticated Curriculum Vitae form
*Notarized AND authenticated Police clearance letter* (This document is a complicated exception, which will be discussed shortly)

You see above that two of these documents require you to have gone to seminary. If you are a convert like me and you never finished seminary, call your Church travel office contact as soon as possible. They will ask you if you've attended institute. If your answer, like mine, is also "No," I hope for your sake that you went to BYU and attended religion classes. My Church contact arranged for the Church Education System to make a seminary certificate for me based on my BYU religion classes. She negotiated my certificate with the Brazilian consulate and I haven't thought about it since.

Moral of the story: Go to seminary! If you don't, you might regret it some day.

For the Curriculum Vitae and the seminary graph letter, they must be notarized and authenticated. This can be done in your local circuit courthouse. If they don't know where to direct you, ask for the licensing department. Notarizing is around $2 a document, and authentication is somewhere around $3. Mail these to your state's Secretary of State, with a letter which tells them you're going to Brazil. Call ahead to check what they charge per document, and include a check or money order for that amount. Also include a stamped and pre-addressed envelope so they can forward your documents to the Church travel office. The Master Letter gives you that address.

The last piece of paperwork included in the visa packet has been the most difficult for me to complete because no one I spoke to understood what I was talking about. This is partially because police clearance letters are obsolete in the state of Maryland, but mostly because most people are born, raised, and die in this town. The line of people trying to do what I'm doing is not long. I'm not only the first one in my family, I'm one of the first in my community--probably the only one

Suffice it to say, a police clearance letter is a background check. This link from the U.S. State Department explains the old method, as well as the new. Getting a police clearance letter was a similar process to getting the other documents notarized and authenticated. The instructions included on the Master Letter in the visa packet assumes that this is what you will do, so I'm not going into it.

In Maryland, the local and state police don't provide criminal record checks for international travel. Background checks are performed through the Criminal Justice Information Services Division of the FBI.

What's the difference? For me, it was a drive to a suburb of Baltimore in the rain, a ~~$38~~ $39 fee, and a 15 day wait for paperwork that I have no idea what to do with once it comes to my house. Yet another speed bump on the road in a journey which was never meant to BE a road trip. The trigger to a breakdown, an existential crisis when the directions I was given won't actually take me directly where I need to go.

I--gasp--might actually have to work through my own problems with revelation and common sense.

I say that in light-hearted jest, but I'm not going to lie. In that jest is a microscopic portion of genuine dismay that I have to "figure it out." It's comparable to how I felt when I realized my father had let go of the back of my bicycle when he was teaching me to ride it. The betrayal I felt in that moment was very real, although perfectly unreasonable. I'm pretty sure there was an element of spite to it when I immediately crashed into the neighbor's car--as if to say, Bet you won't do that again. Who do you think you are, letting me go like that?

But there comes a point where Heavenly Father's help becomes counter-productive. He can tell me what to do, He can show me, repeat Himself, give me training wheels, and even steady me and stand beside me. But if I'm ever going to master a skill, I have to do it without His help. That independence isn't a step away from Him because I'm developing skills and coordination which make me more like Him, with a greater capacity to glorify His name.

In the truest imaginable sense, I have to be without Him in order to be with Him.

Remembering that as I've been working on my visa packet hasn't been easy. I've experienced my share of pain and despair in life, and my experience with my visa packet doesn't rank with those. It would be melodramatic to even think it. But it has easily been among the deeply frustrating seasons of my life. This hasn't been a simple matter of filling out some forms and dealing with unhelpful people and lots of confusion. If it were that simple, I could've laughed my way through it like I do everything else.

But this was different. The internal opposition I faced was nearly tangible as it weighed upon my soul, and it has been my constant companion these long weeks. It feels like a literal weight upon my back, making it harder to feel joy or keep a healthy perspective as I'm accustomed to keeping. I've felt weak and disoriented, unsure and self-conscious--feelings which I can usually work through without much effort.

To be deeply burdened by something so simple as paperwork--that isn't normal for me. That was the most unexpected part of this entire process--how much I would struggle in a private war against unseen foes. With each piece of paperwork I complete, I draw closer to my goal, and it feels like the standard is raised each step of the way. The internal fight becomes more bitter, the external opposition more obvious. And what has really solidified this as one of the most deeply frustrating periods of my life is how small an impact anything I do seems to have on that struggle.

What I'm learning from that--paradoxically, I'll add--is to rid myself of the assumption that I always have to do more to be better. Right now, the only way I'm going to grow spiritually and accomplish what I really need to do is to do less. Moderation is the name of the game from here on out.

Moderation requires a yielding spirit--a heart that listens for and recognizes the counsel of the Lord continually. I could help myself a lot if I got rid of a couple of projects I'm working on presently. I have expectations attached to them, which make them hard for me to give up. But expectations are like opinions--sometimes they're just garbage and the best thing to do is get rid of them.

I think I should spend some time counseling with the Lord on how to get rid of ridiculous expectations I have of myself. I've always been hard on myself, and now is the time to stop. Especially now that I'll be going through the temple and I'm going to put my soul on the line for this work, I need to be willing to do exactly as I'm told--no more, no less.

Even though I have felt the bitterness of my separation from God, I know that the Lord has been with me throughout this learning process. He has helped me and guided me, never truly leaving me to my own devices, but giving me just enough freedom to learn and to truly grow. I love Him dearly, and I'm so grateful for His kindness. His mercy is so abundant, and I would be nothing without His patience. I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is His restored church, from whom the blessings of the restored gospel flow. I'm grateful for the opportunity I have to serve the Lord in the capacity of a missionary, and I'm excited to moving ever closer to the day I leave for Brazil.

I bear my witness in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen

Paradox's thoughts upon finishing 2 Nephi

2011-05-06T14:13:00.002-04:00

If I were a farm boy in the early 1800s with the equivalent of a third grade education—if I wanted to make up a religion and found a church to intentionally deceive people—I would keep my lie as simple as possible.

I wouldn’t have the education or the insight to write a historical narrative that synthesizes dozens of religious narratives spanning over a thousand years. I wouldn’t be able to create a record full of Semitic complexity, consistent in its language and content with ancient Jewish culture. And I certainly wouldn’t make up a book that leads--no, commands--people to a deeper study of the Bible, especially not the prophecies of Isaiah. If I was a liar, it’d be too easy to see it in comparison to such a powerful witness of Jesus Christ. And under no circumstances whatsoever would I teach people about the Holy Ghost. It would cause people to ask of God if my teachings were true. God would reveal the truth of it unto them, and if I were a liar I would be out of a job.

If I were Joseph Smith and I was trying to deceive people, I wouldn’t have written anything like the Book of Mormon. Not because it is a lie and my conscience would compel me against it—but because it is too true, too historically complex, too focused on bringing people to Jesus Christ through the combined testimonies of too many honest men. The Book of Mormon teaches too much of revelation—a volatile force that depends on truth and communication with the Source of all truth—to be a reliable source of manipulation and control.

If anything, this book—which encourages its readers to seek a testimony of it exclusively from God Himself—is the antithesis of manipulation and control.

The only thing more foolish than disbelieving the Book of Mormon because of Joseph Smith is to disbelieve Joseph Smith because of the Book of Mormon.

Quite frankly, there are simpler, more dishonest ways to tell a lie.

Paradox's thought at Easter time...

2011-04-24T23:48:00.003-04:00

How do I thank the One who makes my life worth saving?

Mercy's Paradox--as told by the Joseph Smith Translation

2011-04-22T18:06:00.002-04:00

The Joseph Smith translation of the Bible is a crucial part to my testimony of the Bible. Second only to the gift of the Holy Ghost, the Joseph Smith translation is the greatest thing that ever happened to my testimony of the Bible.

In a previous post I spoke of the corrections which Joseph Smith made to the parable of the ten virgins. These were a great blessing to my life because of the powerful way in which they corrected my perception of the Savior. Today, I wish to add a very similar experience which I had with a story from John 8.

The story of the woman taken in adultery is one I treasure because it stands as a direct contradiction to the self-righteous. He refuses to give the death penalty to a woman for committing adultery, even though the law of Moses declares that punishment to be just. Those who condemn all sinners to the wrath of justice misunderstand this merciful example from the Savior when He says to such a woman, "Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more."

Where confusion enters is that even though the Savior showed mercy to this woman in sparing her life, He did not instantly forgive her of her sins. Former President Spencer W. Kimball taught that lesson in The Miracle of Forgiveness when he wrote:

Note that the Lord did not forgive the woman of her serious sin. He commanded quietly, but forcefully. "Go, and sin no more." Even Christ cannot forgive one in sin. The woman had neither time nor opportunity to repent totally. When her preparation and repentance there complete she could hope for forgiveness, but not before then.

The story as recorded in John ends with the Savior's command to sin no more, but Joseph Smith added a very crucial verse to this story. His translation of verse 11 reads:

And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: god, and sin no more. And the woman glorified God from that hour, and believed on his name.
John 8: 11 (emphasis added)

Because this story as recorded in John 8 doesn't express the woman's faith, it allows the self-righteous to question her repentance, and the exact nature of the Savior's wisdom and mercy. When they present that the Savior instantly made this woman clean of all sin and forgave her on the spot, they cheapen His mercy and His justice.

They misunderstand the weight of what this woman did, and how merciful it is for the Savior not to condemn her to death. Because she was remorseful for what she had done, the Savior was still able to save her from what she had done. Christ Himself has said:

39 And this is the Father’s will which hath sent me, that of all which he hath given me I should lose nothing, but should raise it up again at the last day.
40 And this is the will of him that sent me, that every one which seeth the Son, and believeth on him, may have everlasting life: and I will raise him up at the last day.
John 6

The self-righteous also misunderstand the nature of God's justice, and the need for sin to have a consequence. The punishment for adultery was for the accuser and the witnesses to stone the accused to death. If the accuser or the witnesses had taken part in the crime, then their piety would require them to admit that they also stand condemned with her. When the Savior says, "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her," He is revealing to her accusers that He knows their conspiracy. Because one does not usually catch a woman in adultery without catching a man, he doubtlessly was one of her accusers, attempting to testify against her. Their piety, their desire for justice, was only a deception.

God will not be mocked in His justice, nor denied in showing anyone mercy who will truly receive Him. Justice and mercy are different words for the same love of our Savior, and in His heart there is no distinction between them. Mercy is Justice, and Justice is Mercy--which is the paradox I've come to love about Him most of all. As one who has needed that perfect love, I delight every time I see Him extend that love to someone else. From watching Him do so in my life and the life of others, I know the desire and objective of His heart.

A woman, who has committed sexual transgression--which in the eyes of God is second only to murder and denying the Holy Ghost--finds salvation in His sacrifice. Eyes bright with faith and relief, a heart that rejoices because there is a way back from what she has done. Her mistake, though real, is only temporary because a loving God will not leave her stranded in her sin.

As one who joined the Church as a convert, I struggled for many years to understand that because I repented when I was baptized, I was forgiven of my sins from my previous life. That ordinance was an outward sign I could always look to in remembrance of that repentance and forgiveness. In time, I would begin to realize that I didn't need to hold myself responsible for mistakes I'd made anymore. Doing so was making me into an inward pharisee towards myself. It was keeping me from the wholeness and faith to which repentance was supposed to lead me. My mistakes weren't mine to claim anymore, and justice wasn't mine to exact--even to express remorse for what I had done. The lessons and discipleship were mine to claim, but not the mistakes.

And thanks to the Joseph Smith translation I could finally see the difference, with a fine-edged clarity I have never forgotten. The difference is as clear and stark as between a fire and the ashes.

I know that Jesus Christ has that power. Through the sacrifice of His Atonement, sins become the remnants of our experience--cast off and forgotten. As we give ourselves to Him, to the ordinances which signify of the repentance we seek, the Holy Ghost kindles that fire brighter and brighter in our lives, to the total consumption of all our sin.

To undergo that process is to be baptized by fire, and to receive the perfect brightness of hope which is only received through Jesus Christ. It is to live the gospel of Jesus Christ--to understand and become one simple truth:

That which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day.
Doctrine and Covenants 50: 24

I bear that witness in the name of Jesus Christ who makes all things possible, even all forgiveness. Amen.

A Paradox Corrected in the Parable of the Ten Virgins

2011-04-17T04:56:00.000-04:00

For over a year now, I've been using a purple composition book to record my revelations from the Holy Spirit. Having bought a larger, more durable leather journal, I'm going through and copying only those things which are most precious. Like Mormon, I get to be an editor to a sacred record. Just because it's my holy experience I get to root through, decipher, clarify, and rearrange doesn't make my task any less sacred than his.

Looking back on the answers I've laid out to many questions that I've asked in the past, I see gaps and holes in thoughts I started but never finished. One particular instance I want to emphasize in this post is on the parable of the Ten Virgins.

I remember reading the parable of the Ten Virgins for one of the first talks I ever prepared. It instilled the fear of God in me like teachers and lesson manuals never really could when I was a teenage convert. The thought of Christ standing before me in a doorway and saying "I know you not," then shutting it in my face--it causes me great distress to think of it even now. It was terrifying and sobering, and it made a lasting impression on me.

I could never give the Savior a reason to do that to me--not EVER. That was my sentiment, and the way in which I've tried to live up to it has brought me both repentance and regret.

On my jounal page for this parable, I absentmindedly doodled 10 young women during a Sacrament Meeting. I then assigned them virtues, and I thought about those virtues as being virgins. In the last days, many virtues and standards would fall, and it wasn't just a matter of principle. When principles die, young ladies perish--and I don't know that my doodles fully developed that thought for me.

But this parable illustrates my fear--making one foolish assumption based on inexperience, and living in darkness as a disappointment because of it. This thought goes beyond sobriety. I've experienced a lot of pain and anxiety because of these four words, four fears: "I know you not."

When I arrived at this page in my purple book, I knew something was missing. Something was wrong. I wasn't sure what, so I began to investigate everything the scriptures had to teach about the parable of the Ten Virgins. It wasn't long before I came across this verse:

And now, behold, I say unto you, it shall not be given unto you to know any further concerning this chapter, until the New Testament be translated, and in it all these things shall be made known.
D&C 45: 60

This verse directly followed some brief comments from the Prophet Joseph Smith on the parable of the Ten Virgins, so I followed the breadcrumb trail to my copy of the Joseph Smith translation of the Bible.

What I found made my breath catch in my throat, and tears burn in my eyes.

Joseph Smith only changed one verse, which then changes the meaning of the whole story.

But he answered and said, Verily I say unto you, Ye know me not.
JST Matthew 25: 11

Reading this now, I see years of unnecessary heartbreak I have experienced because I believed a contradiction instead of the truth. I didn't understand the lesson of this scripture because the truth wasn't there to be found.

The foolish virgins were not women of sincere faith who honestly do try, and through delays, setbacks, and honest mistakes show up at the door, late, with an empty lamp--perhaps because they spilled it in their haste to get to the Bridegroom. I think we sometimes picture the wise virgins as being perfectly poised, problemless women who look absolutely stunning, without so much of a hair out of place. Surely they must show up early and have no impediments at all, and we pale in comparison as we struggle to be like that.

I'm learning not to believe this. Like many women, I am a recovering perfectionist. I have to give myself permission to fail, trusting that the weight of my world is not entirely on my shoulders. The light by which I'm led does not depend entirely on the lamp in my hand.

That thought is liberating to my soul. I praise God for that truth, seeing how the Restoration continues to make all the difference in my life.

So who, then, are the foolish virgins?

The foolish virgins are the ones who show up at the marriage of the Lamb, see Him at the door, and do not recognize Him at all. They're the ones who cared more about the wedding than the reason for the wedding. I can almost see them looking over His shoulder or under His arm, wondering when this doorkeeper will step out of their way. They smell the food, they hear the laughter, and their own pleasure and joy is the only thing on their mind.

Meanwhile, they're ignoring the great Bridegroom--the one who has cared for them and loved them all of their lives. The one who watched over them and blessed them so carefully, drop by drop coming from His sacrifice, His pain. He did everything He could to bring them to His wedding. He told them where to go and what to bring--even a lamp, as an indicator that His Coming would be in the nighttime.

But even beyond that temporal usefulness, He was trying to help them understand His role in their lives. Every illuminating experience is provided for by the Atonement, the gospel of Jesus Christ. The lamp represents the state of their repentance--the ultimate measure of their dedication to the gospel. These were those who, at the end of the day, did not come to know Christ with all their effort.

They had not endured to the End--for who or what else is our end, if not Christ?

Their hair might be perfect. Their clothes might be clean and very expensive. All their friends, family, and neighbors may be inside. They might be hungry and afraid of the dark. But in the end, necessity and effort to be clean had not made them good. Preparation had not led to worship, which left them unprepared to meet the Holy One of Israel.

The wise virgins, however, find their joy in the Lord. Their personal interaction with Christ is what makes them wise, and prepares them for the day of judgment. If we love God, truly cherish Him with all our hearts, our weaknesses and imperfections cannot keep us from His presence. In Christ's own words:

41 Fear not, little children, for you are mine, and I have overcome the world, and you are of them that my Father hath given me;
42 And none of them that my Father hath given me shall be lost.
D&C 50: 41-42

These teachings work together to be one of the most liberating realizations in my experience as a Christian. From the moment I discovered the parable of the Ten Virgins, I've been afraid that I would do something that would require Christ to act as if He had never known me, to shut the door to me forever. But in the inspired corrections Joseph Smith made through the Holy Spirit, I have learned the truth. I've come to a greater understanding of what Christ is actually like.

Being reassured that He is merciful and compassionate, I have found relief from fear. Believing that He seeks for my well-being more than my punishment, I can approach Him more personally, and not a figment of someone else's imagination.

Latter-day Saints spend a lot of time talking about Restoration--that Jesus Christ gave power and authority to Joseph Smith to perform many marvelous works. The Restoration includes the bestowal of the priesthood, the translation of the Book of Mormon and the Bible, the founding of the Church itself, and the return of the ancient temple. But the Restoration wasn't just a series of events that took place in the 19th century, then ended. The Restoration continues in the lives of Saints everywhere who seek the truth instead of tradition, communion with Christ over sect and denomination.

This experience I've had with the Joseph Smith translation is not the first I've ever had--just the most recent. My ability to rely on that translation to bring me to Christ is a testimony to its truth and divinity--its role in that continuing Restoration. I would not have obtained the truth without the influence on the Prophet Joseph Smith. His critics can defame his name all they like--but doing so does not discredit or explain the powerful influence for good his life has been to millions of people. I would not have my faith in Almighty God if it weren't for the Prophet Joseph Smith. His example, his teachings, his contributions, as well as his genuine benevolence--these invited me to the path of discipleship. Remove his influence, and the transformation which has possessed me from the time of my conversion to Jesus Christ is undone.

Joseph Smith proved himself countless times in life to be a good man--in his compassion, his forgiveness, his friendship, and his charity. No evil man could give to the world the example he left behind. His blood would not be a martyr's blood if his sacrifice was not pure and loving. His life would be meaningless, with no impact on the world whatsoever. If his teachings were deceptions, no person anywhere should be a better person having known him.

Joseph Smith is not forgotten because his contribution is unforgettable. His goodness is attested in the faith of every person who came to Christ because of him. I am one of these--one soul who looked to Brother Joseph and found a teacher and a friend. His life is a rich story, which the empathy of my soul cleaves to, finding charity and benevolence which prove to me forever that he was a prophet.

Everything I am today, I owe to Jesus Christ. But I did not feel the roaring flame of the Spirit ignite until I discovered Joseph Smith and the Church he restored. I'm grateful to the Lord for the chance to make my stand, to keep my lamp burning brightly until my day of judgment comes. And if I am found wise, able to bow low before my Lord for the redemption of my life, I can never deny that Joseph Smith had a hand in it. Indeed, my faith in Christ depends on Joseph Smith being the prophet of the Restoration.

One of the most significant tests for the men and women living in the latter days is whether or not they will receive a witness of the Prophet Joseph Smith. The Restoration he bore has been prophesied of all throughout the Bible, and many are kept from entering into that Restoration because they would not recognize it if they saw it. Even when we tell other people about it, they still may not recognize the importance of what we share.

Knowing the gospel is only the first step for members of the Church. May we be willing to recognize the value and power of what the Lord has given us. May we be willing to share the gospel--not just the Church--with people in such a way that they can recognize what it is and why it matters. As we do so, we will be blessed with a great ability to come to the Savior, recognizing Him and the great love He has for us. Our lives will be inspired, and our influence will change the world for the better for generations to come.

I bear that witness, nothing doubting, in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Paradox on Mission Angel Preparation

2011-04-08T06:08:00.000-04:00

Missionaries for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, no matter where they serve, use the same manual for everything they do. Whether they're teaching lessons to investigators, training each other to be more effective teachers, mobilizing wards to do missionary work, or planning how to best use their time as missionaries--everything they need to do and become is in Preach My Gospel.

Preach My Gospel derives its name from section 50 in the Doctrine and Covenants. On a whim, I recently decided to read that chapter, to see if it would yield insight into this special resource we've been given by the Lord.

What I discovered humbled me, and I think every prospective missionary should read that chapter before even thinking about putting in their mission papers.

Section 50 is a direct rebuke against the Elders of the Church for hypocrisy--to eliminate it from their midst, to beware of it in other people, to overcome it through their work and the grace of God. In fact, the name Preach My Gospel is an answer to a direct question asked in verse 13:

"Unto what were ye ordained?"

That question isn't supposed to be answered by rote--it's a question that is supposed to dig at our hearts and turn out our pockets. Because the Lord is asking the question, it translates into a much more personal exchange.

Unto want were you ordained?--What power has He given us? Do we even know? What responsibilities go along with the covenants we've already made, and are we meeting them? Have we embraced what it means to be responsible before God?

Unto what were you ordained?

To be lazy? To pass our portion of the work off onto someone else? To entertain ourselves endlessly? To pollute the gospel with political agendas, personal offenses, and pet philosophies? To leave others in the darkness of their own misery, poverty, hunger, and despair--while we use our blessings and resources to live in luxury and comfort? To destroy ourselves through sins of which we refuse to repent?

Unto what were you ordained?--What are you trying to do? Why are you here? What is your motivation for serving a mission? What is your responsibility as a member of this Church? Do you care about that responsibility?

There's a reason this section is on the cover of Preach My Gospel.

{ Note: No one, to my knowledge, is naked in this picture }

Hypocrisy and wearing a fake, pretty Church face doesn't go very far in the mission field. The work is hard and many times unrewarding. The days are long, and extremely structured. The standards are strict, and the questions we must answer in regards to our performance are sharp and often painful. My sweetheart sent me a letter at the beginning of his mission, explaining that being a missionary is like standing naked in a packed football stadium, with all the lights and eyes on you. Any attempt to cover yourself, to sneak away unnoticed, or to be more or less than what you are just makes you feel even more ridiculous.

By nature, the work is designed to beat the hell and evil and hypocrisy right out of us--because to give away that much of ourselves for anything less than sincere faith and sacrifice is madness.

Essentially, I think there's a very specific purpose that Preach My Gospel takes its name from a section that speaks so harshly against hypocrisy. Being a missionary and being a hypocrite do not go together. Eventually, one gives in to the other. But it has been my experience that this manual doesn't just condemn against hypocrisy. Preach My Gospel eliminates hypocrisy from the congregations of the Church when used to its fullest potential.

How does it do so? Preach My Gospel teaches the gospel of Jesus Christ with clarity and precision. It makes specific connections between Christ's doctrine and needed behavior changes. It covers both temporal and spiritual stewardships. It delivers the teachings and expectations of Jesus Christ in brief statements of pure truth. Preach My Gospel makes it clear that the Lord, not the Church, has essential expectations for our discipleship. It gives specific instructions on what to do to live the gospel of Jesus Christ instead of simply knowing it. Every ward and branch needs to understand the difference between knowing and living the gospel. That process begins in the life and heart of each Latter-day Saint, as he recognizes the value of his contribution in the work of Jesus Christ. Only then will the purpose of the gospel--not the interests of the members--become the focus of the ward/branch's efforts. Only then can the purposes and objectives of the Priesthood be realized and manifested.

But what are those purposes and objectives?

In the process of preparing for a mission, young men are ordained to the Melchizedek Priesthood. That Priesthood is part of a special holy order. Men and women both enter into that order through the holy endowment of the temple. These men and women are then set apart as missionaries--the final piece of a very special preparation process. The end result--the purpose of the Priesthood--is to enter into the ministry of angels. (see 2 Nephi 31: 13 and Moroni 7: 35-37)

Which is what makes Elder Holland's talk from last Sunday so remarkable--not because it is news, but because it is the truth plainly and unapologetically stated. He called his associates in the general authorities angels because that is what they are. That is what the gospel of Jesus Christ has made of them, after a lifetime of devoted service to the Church. That is what they are ordained to be--joint heirs of Christ and co-participants in His work of salvation for the living and the dead.

And they aren't the only ones. If one goes back and ponders over Elder Holland's General Conference talks from past sessions, this isn't the first time he has spoken of angels. Careful study of The Ministry of Angels and The Tongue of Angels reveals that Elder Holland doesn't just see angels among the general authorities--he sees them among faithful Latter-day Saints everywhere. Indeed, he has taught that to be angelic in our discipleship and our service is evidence of our faith in Jesus Christ. If we are not angelic, we are not becoming the disciples that the gospel, by design, is supposed to make of us.

For eighteen months, I'm going to be an angel. I will have the power and authority to minister in the name of Jesus Christ. The work I do in Brazil will be as binding as if it were done by unseen angels, and that could terrify me where I stand.

But it doesn't.

Why? Because I have Preach My Gospel. Everything I need to know about being an angel, a Saint, and a Sister is already in there. I have no reason to be afraid--only to be believing, and to take my place among the noble and faithful angels who came before me. The ones who wanted to live lives of great consequence and purpose--souls who meet challenges with love and are not shaken by fear and trepidation.

That is my purpose because it is the aim of Jesus Christ. He is my exemplar, the source of every desire for good in my soul. I love Him, I worship Him, and I cannot wait to stand beside Him in ministering to His children. I bear my witness that He lives. He alone atoned for our sins. He performed the Resurrection, that we might rise from death. His coming in glory is nigh, and if we are prepared we shall not fear. I bear that witness in His holy name, even Jesus Christ. Amen

Paradox on Eternal Life

2011-03-28T01:42:00.004-04:00

I gave the talk in my branch's Sacrament Meeting today. I was assigned to speak on family and family history work. This talk is the most difficult one I've ever had to prepare. I'm grateful to the Lord for the chance to prepare it, and the experience it has given me. Enjoy!

* * *

When we die, we begin the process of slowly being forgotten. At first, our memory burns brightly in the minds of everyone who is wounded by our passing. They grieve, trying to comprehend how our life glows—no matter how faintly—in one moment… and in the next, passes too quickly for them to see, too finally to comprehend, too powerfully to prevent, yet with a magnitude that sometimes shakes them so deeply, they are never the same again.

The spark of our divine essence—that portion of godliness which gave us meaning, beauty, purpose, and life—is no longer tangible. Our spirits have fled, and because we are unique in our position and creation, we leave behind an undeniable void which cannot be filled—only remembered, or forgotten.

Without intervention, we deteriorate and fade; bodies decomposing in a steel box in the ground, or bagged and folded neatly in an urn on someone else’s shelf. As a family historian, it never ceases to amaze me how divine lives become pathetically reduced to bits and pieces of paper—a census record here, a photograph there, which become fewer and fewer in number as the years pass.

Where is the glory, the life, in a handful of ashes and dust?

It’s easy for us not to care about the answer to that question, isn’t it? We’re young and invincible—entitled to at least another 50 years on this planet to do whatever we want, right?

But what happens when the one who slips away from this world is someone we never wanted to lose? What happens when we are the ones so deeply shaken by grief and pain that we are overtaken, our hearts are broken, there is no comfort, no peace, no life without the one we have lost? What happens when we must face death—and our peace of mind, our ability to continue functioning from day to day, relies on knowing whether or not we live again after we die?

I want to introduce my topic with a very important section from the Doctrine and Covenants. But for that section to have weight and substance like it should, we should understand the grief of the man who gave it to us.

Joseph F. Smith was the son of Hyrum Smith, who was murdered and martyred alongside his brother Joseph at Carthage Jail in 1844. Joseph F. Smith was only five when he lost his father and his uncle. At 13, his mother Mary Fielding Smith also dies. Throughout his life he buries a wife, Sarah, and 13 children. The first child he loses, Mercy Josephine, is only 3 when she dies. President Smith records these thoughts from that time in his journal:

“My heart is bruised and wrenched almost asunder. I am desolate, my home seems desolate. … I look in vain, I listen, no sound, I wander through the rooms, all are vacant, lonely, desolate, deserted. … No beaming little black eyes sparkling with love for papa; … but a vacant little chair. … and only the one desolate thought forcing its crushing leaden weight upon my heart—she is not here, she is gone!”

Near the end of his life, President Smith loses a son. This loving father has not hardened against what death can do so easily, and writes:

“My soul is rent asunder. My heart is broken, and flutters for life! O my sweet son, my joy, my hope! … O God, help me!”

But death does not cease from him. That same year, he loses a daughter-in-law to a deadly scourge, the flu pandemic which has already killed millions of people by the time she dies from it. One historian comments on this sickness, that “Nothing else—no infection, no war, no famine—has ever killed so many in as short a period.” Because of the overlap between this flu and World War I, the worldwide death toll reaches 50 million people between 1917 and 1918. Devastation and death, missing sons and daughters, and forgotten generations become a way of life. (see "I Saw the Hosts of the Dead," Ensign)

This period of suffering forever changes the world. It’s in this modern age that faith begins to die in ways it never really has before—a spiritual death from which many nations have never fully recovered.

When Joseph F. Smith loses his precious daughter-in-law to the flu pandemic, the anguish of millions became his pain. These circumstances, and the wisdom of the Lord, inspired the 138th section of the Doctrine and Covenants, also known as the vision of the dead.

President Smith had been pondering the first epistle of Peter in his room, when the Lord gives him a vision. He sees Christ in the three days of His death, establishing His ministry among the dead.

…the eyes of my understanding were opened, and the Spirit of the Lord rested upon me, and I saw the hosts of the dead, both small and great.
12 And there were gathered together in one place an innumerable company of the spirits of the just, who had been faithful in the testimony of Jesus while they lived in mortality;
16 They were assembled awaiting the advent of the Son of God into the spirit world, to declare their redemption from the bands of death.
17 Their sleeping dust was to be restored unto its perfect frame, bone to his bone, and the sinews and the flesh upon them, the spirit and the body to be united never again to be divided, that they might receive a fulness of joy.
18 While this vast multitude waited and conversed, rejoicing in the hour of their deliverance from the chains of death, the Son of God appeared, declaring liberty to the captives who had been faithful;
19 And there he preached to them the everlasting gospel, the doctrine of the resurrection and the redemption of mankind from the fall, and from individual sins on conditions of repentance.
23 And the saints rejoiced in their redemption, and bowed the knee and acknowledged the Son of God as their Redeemer and Deliverer from death and the chains of hell.

Joseph F. Smith sees the Lord preparing his valiant spirits to preach the gospel to the dead. Adam, Eve, Abraham, Isaiah, and many others were organized, and:

33 These were taught faith in God, repentance from sin, vicarious baptism for the remission of sins, the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of hands,
34 And all other principles of the gospel that were necessary for them to know in order to qualify themselves that they might be judged according to men in the flesh, but live according to God in the spirit.
35 And so it was made known among the dead, both small and great, the unrighteous as well as the faithful, that redemption had been wrought through the sacrifice of the Son of God upon the cross.

These spirits were taught and prepared to be missionaries by the very same gospel principles we are supposed to teach. Every time the Savior organizes His ministry, it’s based on the same unchanging principles, which lead us to eternal life.

This organization among the dead is the foundation for the temple work in our day. That’s why this section also teaches:

47 The Prophet Elijah was to plant in the hearts of the children the promises made to their fathers,
48 Foreshadowing the great work to be done in the temples of the Lord in the dispensation of the fulness of times, for the redemption of the dead, and the sealing of the children to their parents, lest the whole earth be smitten with a curse and utterly wasted at his coming.

So they see the foreshadowing of a new and glorious day—the restoration of this gospel under the hands of Elijah. This was one of the very first things that Moroni taught to Joseph Smith when he appeared to him—that Joseph would receive the authority and ministry of Elijah. From D&C 138, we learn that the work of Elijah is the ministry for the salvation of the dead.

This has everything to do with us, and we are mentioned in this section as well:

53 The Prophet Joseph Smith, and my father, Hyrum Smith, Brigham Young, John Taylor, Wilford Woodruff, and other choice spirits who were reserved to come forth in the fulness of times to take part in laying the foundations of the great latter-day work,
54 Including the building of the temples and the performance of ordinances therein for the redemption of the dead, were also in the spirit world.
55 I observed that they were also among the noble and great ones who were chosen in the beginning to be rulers in the Church of God.
56 Even before they were born, they, with many others, received their first lessons in the world of spirits and were prepared to come forth in the due time of the Lord to labor in his vineyard for the salvation of the souls of men. (emphasis added)

Brothers and sisters… you have been told you are noble and great ones by prophets and servants of the Lord, who know you better than you know yourselves. Some of you have been told this all of your lives. But do you understand what makes you a noble and great one? Do you realize what this means you have already done and seen? Do you understand what requires you to do now, and to become?

What makes us noble and great ones is the work of the temple—participating in the work which provides salvation for the dead. If we are not engaged in this work, we are not standing in the position the Lord has assigned to us, as members of His Church in this dispensation. When our efforts at gospel living do not lead us to the temple and to our families, we frustrate the purposes of the Holy Priesthood, we thwart the progression of our ancestors and our posterity, and we rob ourselves of the preparation which allows us to receive and appreciate eternal life.

Many of us want to be received into the Celestial Kingdom, but we have not yet understood that if we want eternal life, it will not be given to us just because we asked for it. It won’t be given just because someone else in our family did all the work, and we came after them to reap the blessings.

Eternal life means living forever with our families. If we have not personally invested ourselves into our family relationships, we won’t receive eternal life. We want the great inheritance, but what have we done to bring salvation to our dead so we have an inheritance? What efforts have we made to know our history, to prepare to teach it to our children? What efforts have we made to protect and preserve that history so it isn’t lost or destroyed—not just spiritually by having sealings performed, but preserving the actual records which remain of our kindred dead? What are we doing to continue the records of our family? What are we saving and preserving of our own lives, to leave to the generations who will come after us?

Because we are single, we look at eternal life and we instantly think of marriage. We think our biggest impediment to receiving the glory of God, aside from our own imperfections, is the fact that we are not yet married. I challenge us this afternoon to change this perception. We must open our eyes to the great gift of eternal life, and realize that everyone, everyone belongs there—but the place we prepare for ourselves will determine the inheritance we receive.

There are four essential relationships which make up the divine inheritance of eternal life. The parents who gave us life, our ancestors who gave us a heritage, our spouses who will give us a promise, and our children who give us a legacy; in heaven, these become our greatest treasures. Those four relationships are crucial—without any one of them, we have not received the fullness of God’s joy, and our eternal life is not secure.

So in the time I have remaining, I want to give us questions to ponder. I pray that the Spirit will use these questions to help us recognize our challenges in our family relationships. By doing so we can counsel more directly with our Savior for the guidance and support we need to overcome our challenges. I promise that as we make efforts to counsel with the Savior to improve these relationships, we will see and feel the promises of Elijah come to fruition in our lives. Our hearts will turn to our fathers, and their hearts will turn to us, and we will be willing and able to make the sacrifices necessary to preserve those relationships forever.

Why is our relationship with our parents essential to obtaining eternal life? How can family history work improve my relationship with my parents?

Elder Russell M. Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve apostles has taught:

“…the final responsibility to prepare for salvation and exaltation rests upon each person, accountable for individual agency, acting in one’s own family, bearing… sacred title[s] of mother, father, daughter, son, grandmother, or grandfather.”
“In Church callings we are subject to release. But we cannot be released as parents.”

Our parents will always be our parents, and we will always be their sons and daughters. No amount frustration, personal injury, or strife can or ought to break the bonds between parents and their children. I learned this lesson after years of trying to push my parents away from me.

My parents had many challenges in their lives, which affected their parenting in significant ways. I was deeply hurt by many of my parents’ choices, and it was easy for me to believe my problems outnumbered my blessings. But as I grew older and became more familiar with the lives my ancestors, I saw how the story of addiction, abuse, and divorce had repeated so many times in my family. Suddenly my parents’ struggles were symptoms of a much larger problem.

Generations of my family had been powerless to face the hell of their experiences, living without faith and hope in Jesus Christ, without redemption, without the healing inherent in the Savior’s forgiveness. They needed the gospel, and the empathy and compassion the gospel inspires. Nothing but the truth would ever set them free.

And in order to reach the generations Heavenly Father had given to me, I had to begin with my parents. At the time, there was nothing more impossible to me. I viewed myself as being wholly incapable of what the Lord was asking me to do. But my discipleship, my covenant, and my honor rested on my ability to love, forgive, and sustain my parents in their calling—to seek for their healing and their blessing.

And I stand before you today to bear you my witness that Jesus Christ does change our hearts. He does not set us up to fail—He sets us up to become joint-heirs with Him. He sets us up to become sons and daughters, gods and goddesses, the most beautiful creations in the reaches of this universe. The only way to conceive the enormity of the Lord’s intentions for us is to understand that He sacrificed Himself so nothing would be impossible to us. That includes overcoming problems with our parents.

When everything is at stake, He does not fail.

I would not have that witness to bear to you today if it hadn’t been for family history work. Family history work saved my life.

What does my life mean to my ancestors? What should their lives mean to me? How can I develop a relationship with my ancestors who have passed through the veil?

President Henry B. Eyring gave a talk called “Hearts Bound Together,” in which he makes some profound statements:

“After you find the first few generations, the road will become more difficult. The price will become greater. As you go back in time, the records become less complete. As others of your family search out ancestors, you will discover that the ancestor you find has already been offered the full blessings of the temple. Then you will have a difficult and important choice to make. You will be tempted to stop and leave the hard work of finding to others who are more expert or to another time in your life. But you will also feel a tug on your heart to go on in the work, hard as it will be.

As you decide, remember that the names which will be so difficult to find are of real people to whom you owe your existence in this world and whom you will meet again in the spirit world. When you were baptized, your ancestors looked down on you with hope. Perhaps after centuries, they rejoiced to see one of their descendants make a covenant to find them and to offer them freedom. In your reunion, you will see in their eyes either gratitude or terrible disappointment. Their hearts are bound to you. Their hope is in your hands. You will have more than your own strength as you choose to labor on to find them.”

President Eyring’s promise is real. Great power, resources, and inspiration come into our lives when we dedicate ourselves to gathering our kindred dead. We find great use for our talents, and discover in ourselves talents and abilities we never knew existed. How paradoxical it is that seeking for our own increase, our own divinity, is the surest way never to find it. That is why President Dieter F. Uchtdorf taught:

“In the end, the number of prayers we say may contribute to our happiness, but the number of prayers we answer may be of even greater importance.”

Our ancestors are pleading to be found. Whether or not we give ourselves to answering their prayers is a true measure for how ready we are receive eternal life, and function in the trusts which make up the Celestial Kingdom.

How will doing family history work help me to find my spouse, and live up to the promises which I desire to make with him/her? Why is that promise so important?

Family history work prepares us for marriage in three essential ways. It requires us to put someone else’s needs before our own. It leads us to the temple. And it teaches us to search for someone until we’ve found them—and I would add, to verify our results with both inspiration and common sense.

Jesus taught us how to search when He gave the parable of the lost coin:

…what woman having ten pieces of silver, if she lose one piece, doth not light a candle, and sweep the house, and seek diligently till she find it?
9 And when she hath found it, she calleth her friends and her neighbours together, saying, Rejoice with me; for I have found the piece which I had lost. (Luke 15: 8-9)

Finding someone, after you’ve spent years searching for them, is an amazing feeling. It’s true when you find a relative, and it’s especially true when you find your spouse. Life feels more complete when they are with us, and the joy they bring us brings out the giver in us. We suddenly need to know what the very best thing in the whole world is, so we can give it to them. Why? Because they’ve made us so happy, we just have to find the very best way to express the love and gratitude we feel for them.

That very best thing, the deepest expression of love that any soul has to offer, is a promise—a covenant. It is a very deep profession of love and trust to offer another person a sealing to you and to your family. We extend to them the very same tie, the same expression of love, we have given to God Himself. For God to expect us to make covenants with each other… that is incredible.

The Lord trusts us to invest in these covenants the best we have to offer. To do so is to recognize the divinity in ourselves—to “know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is.” (1 John 3: 2)

That is the purpose of every covenant we make. If we aren’t recognizing that goodness in ourselves, we need to repent and remember that we are children of God. Doing family history work is an excellent way to get that perspective, and never let it go.

How will doing my family history improve my relationship with my children?

It may seem odd to talk about improving relationships with children we don’t have yet. But President Julie B. Beck made some observations in this month’s Ensign that bear repeating:

“Evidence is all around us that the family is becoming less important… Many times a career gains importance over the family…
Many of our youth are losing confidence in the institution of families. They’re placing more and more value on education and less and less importance on forming an eternal family. Many don’t see forming families as a faith-based work. For them, it’s a selection process much like shopping. Many also distrust their own moral strength and the moral strength of their peers. Because temptations are so fierce, many are not sure they can be successful in keeping covenants…
Youth are being desensitized about the need to form eternal families.”

I’d like to add some of my own observations to hers.

Nothing in our experience outside of the Church encourages us to have children. We’re taught to view children as expenses and liabilities instead of the joy and the blessing they are. In fact, one of the most dangerous messages Satan sends to us today is that children are a nuisance—that they do nothing but need, nag, and annoy us to death. Satan would have us believe that getting married and having children ruins our lives. And if he can’t get us to believe we’ll ruin our lives, he tells us we’ll ruin our children’s lives with our inexperience or lack of resources.

How do we combat these lies and deceptions? How do we keep our minds and hearts open to starting families and having children?

For me, that answer came from doing family history work.

You can’t stand by the Savior in His temple, watching Him bless and reunite families, and not be changed by it. When you feel someone else’s pain because of their separation from their family, and then you step in and end it… when you feel the relief that you just brought to that soul, and you realize they only wanted to go on living because they wanted to see their children again… you walk away from that experience with the truth.

Children are everything. They are worth the sacrifices we make to have them. Mother Eve herself has said:

“Were it not for our transgression we never should have had seed, and never should have known good and evil, and the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient.” (Moses 5: 11)

Eve has said what we should never forget—that bearing and raising children is why we came to earth. No amount of education, no career, no amount of wealth or entertainment can replace the joy that comes only when we love our children and raise them in righteousness—knowing they are sealed to us forever. God has said that His work and His glory is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of His children—why would the work we do for our children, or the families of the dead, be any less important?

President Beck also cautioned in her Ensign message that “This generation will be called upon to defend the doctrine of the family as never before. If they don’t know the doctrine, they can’t defend it.”

Part of that defense, that stand we must take, is to be married and to have children. A major part of it is also to increase our offering in the temple. I challenge you all to begin your work in your families today. Let us commit now to always be temple worthy, so we stand prepared to bless our dead. They need us. They love us. Their ability to receive eternal life is tied to our performance in this life. If we compromise ourselves, we compromise them.

“Wherefore, stand ye in holy places, and be not moved, until the day of the Lord come; for behold, it cometh quickly, saith the Lord.” (D&C 87: 7)

That day is coming. But the Lord does not want us to be afraid. He says:

41 Fear not, little children, for you are mine, and I have overcome the world, and you are of them that my Father hath given me;
42 And none of them that my Father hath given me shall be lost.
43 And the Father and I are one. I am in the Father and the Father in me; and inasmuch as ye have received me, ye are in me and I in you.
44 Wherefore, I am in your midst, and I am the good shepherd, and the stone of Israel. He that buildeth upon this rock shall never fall.
45 And the day cometh that you shall hear my voice and see me, and know that I am.
46 Watch, therefore, that ye may be ready. Even so. Amen. (D&C 50)

We can trust Jesus Christ with our sins. We can trust Him with our weaknesses, our desires, our hearts, and our lives. If we stand by Him, we will be able to face the evil and deceptions of our day. I know His promises are true, and I know this Church is true. I know the Book of Mormon is the word of God, and it was translated by Joseph Smith. I know Joseph Smith is the prophet of this restoration. If we stand by Joseph Smith, we stand by Jesus Christ. I bear you that witness with all the certainty of my soul, in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Prophecy of Paradox

2011-03-10T01:51:00.000-05:00

The Book of Mormon has taken on an entirely new level of meaning for me now that I'm preparing to be a missionary.

I've been going through and marking all of the places which prophesy that the gospel would be restored to the Lamanite's descendants in the last days. I never noticed until I was actually looking for it just how much the Book of Mormon says this will happen. I've only just finished 1 Nephi, and it is mentioned in some detail in almost every chapter.

I got to thinking about Joseph Smith, and I realized that if he hadn't been inspired, he wouldn't have known if the Book of Mormon ever would make it to the descendants of the Lamanites. In fact, when Joseph Smith was martyred in 1844, nothing seemed more unlikely.

But we look around today and what do we see? Three dozen temples in Mexico, Latin America, and South America. More than a dozen translations of the Book of Mormon in the languages and dialects of those nations--all bearing the same message dozens of times:

"And after the house of Israel should be scattered they should be gathered together again; or, in fine, after the Gentiles had received the fulness of the Gospel, the natural branches of the olive tree, or the remnants of the house of Israel, should be grafted in, or come to the knowledge of the true Messiah, their Lord and their Redeemer." 1 Nephi 10: 14

And when I realized that's the work I'll be doing on my mission in Brazil... I understood those prophecies were talking about me. All of the sudden words I've never noticed before mean everything to me now, and I see why the Lord has pushed me to grow so much for the past several years. His plans for my life are larger than anything I've ever imagined, and that is clearer to me now more than ever because of this call.

I have a lot of work ahead of me. I don't leave until June, but visas to Brazil are notoriously difficult to obtain. But, of course, that depends on who you ask. As with everything else during this process, the wait is worth the effort. Every person I talk to who has any connection to Brazil or Brazilian people tells me how wonderful and loving the people are. From what I've read about the CTM, that experience begins from the moment the missionaries set foot in Brazil, so naturally I'm just eager to get there and start working.

I love the Book of Mormon, and I know it's true. Only a true book could bring about the amazing miracles and changes that follow the Book of Mormon everywhere it goes. I know the Prophet Joseph Smith translated it by the power of God, and it's because of the Book of Mormon that the kingdom of God is rolling forth across the earth. I'm grateful for the opportunity to teach the gospel in São Paulo, and all the lessons I will learn about faith in Jesus Christ from the wonderful people who live there. I'm grateful for the chance to prepare with them for the Second Coming, and there's no work in which I'd rather be engaged.

I love the Lord, and I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints bears the fullness of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know the gospel of Jesus Christ leads anyone who follows it to eternal life. Sharing that gospel means everything to me because every time the gospel changes someone's life, I truly believe the world changes with it. I'm grateful for the blessings of the Lord in my life, and I am glad to bear witness of His holy name, even Jesus Christ. Amen

Sister Paradox

2011-02-13T01:52:00.000-05:00

First, I was speechless.

Then, I was excited!

In the end, I was humbled.

{ It was worth the wait. It always is }

Paradox is the Family Historian

2011-02-07T05:06:00.000-05:00

Recent experiences have reminded me that if ever I am wanting to see the miracles of God in my life, all I have to do is sit down and do some family history work. From the mysterious advent of Elijah in the days of the Old Testament, to his return and bestowal of his keys to Joseph Smith in the Kirtland Temple, culminating today in the miracle and ministry of temples all over the earth--there has never been a greater time to be seeking after one's own kindred dead.

I recently discovered this video about the Granite Mountain Records Vault. I'd heard about this vault in passing once, and wasn't sure if it was a myth or not. Not only is it real, it is the backbone to a staggeringly large collection of records--records which are pivotal in some of the most sacred work we do in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

And like almost any other good thing in the Church, this database it is free to the public. You can visit FamilySearch.org, and search for your ancestors with no obligation whatsoever. The online collection isn't the fledgling it used to be. Compared to the pay-to-use genealogy giants like Ancestry.com there's still a lot of room for growth, but that's exactly what FamilySearch continues to do. For a broke enthusiast like me who will take what she can get, it's an amazing resource.

I have always loved family history work. I remember in my freshman year of high school, I had a family history assignment for one of my classes. I was excited to have reason and incentive to invest myself in a long time interest of mine. I was only required to report four generations, but I expressed an interest to my teacher to do more. Even though I had the desire, I wasn't sure where to begin.

She recommended I "try and contact the Mormons" because they kept meticulous genealogical records. I didn't know any members of the Church at the time, and had no idea how to go about contacting them. I wouldn't come to meet my first family of Latter-day Saints probably for another year. It was such a simple seed, and even though I put it from my mind, to this day I have never forgotten that experience.

When I finally did meet my first Latter-day Saint family, they took an interest in me which I attribute entirely to divine inspiration from the Holy Ghost. Together with another family I met some time later, they eventually invited me to some youth activities, then finally to Church.

In my first Sacrament Meeting I began to receive a testimony that the Church was true. A large part of my ability to recognize and receive that testimony was a talk given that day by a member on the importance of family history work, and the spirit of Elijah. Even though Elijah was totally unfamiliar to me, his spirit was not. I may not have understood hearts, keys, and seals at the time--but I understood the need I had to know.

For me, that was enough.

5 Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the Lord:

6 And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse.

As I read the promise from Malachi 4 now, I feel the same confirming witness now that I felt then; one that spoke directly to my heart regarding a very private and real desire. To write it off as a coincidence would be to disregard how personally I felt the love of God that day--how tangible His influence felt to me as so many pieces of my life came together. I realized that every moment of my life had led me to this place. I can no more deny God's hand in it than I can undo the events of my own life. In a sublime moment undeserved, but longed for beyond all hope and reason, experience became my evidence.

My family was waiting for me to find them. I was their only link to the covenants and ordinances which would allow them to become the sons and daughters of Jesus Christ. I had to find them and link them to myself. That desire burned brightly within me, and it only grew brighter as time passed.

Once I was baptized and received the gift of the Holy Ghost, the Lord began to pour His blessings out upon my family. Finding my ancestors, tracing down their records, assembling our tree was work that became a blessing in more ways than one. As name after name came miraculously into my possession, I felt a growing love for my place as a daughter to my mother and father. I saw my position as a sacred assignment to the living and the dead, and that has made all the difference to us in both this world and the next.

I know the spirit of Elijah is alive on the earth. I've felt it burning in my heart as I search for my ancestors, and do my best to improve my relationships with my living family members. I know the purpose of his spirit is to help gather families together, that they might have faith in Jesus Christ, receive His gospel, and be sealed together in His temple for all eternity. Because I have embraced the spirit of Elijah, I have come to receive his witness, as recorded in Doctrine and Covenants 110:

14 Behold, the time has fully come, which was spoken of by the mouth of Malachi—testifying that he [Elijah] should be sent, before the great and dreadful day of the Lord come—

15 To turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the children to the fathers, lest the whole earth be smitten with a curse—

16 Therefore, the keys of this dispensation are committed into your hands; and by this ye may know that the great and dreadful day of the Lord is near, even at the doors.

I testify that Elijah's keys--his authority--were restored to the Prophet Joseph Smith, and have been handed down through our dispensation to President Thomas S. Monson today. I know that because of Jesus Christ and His atoning sacrifice, we can receive the Holy Ghost. I know the Holy Ghost is the power behind the seals which bind us up unto eternal life in the presence of Heavenly Father, which is why exact obedience is so essential to everything we do in the Church. The lives of so many depend on us to be good continually so we can do the work we were sent here to do.

I'm striving every day to make glorifying Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ the number one priority of my existence. I know ministering to their children in love is the only means to that end, and I'm happy to do so for both the living and the dead. I've come to realize that my life would be meaningless and empty without the parents and generations before me who gave me life. I hope by gathering us together, I can assist in preparing the way for us all to be reunited again in the kingdom of heaven.

Only because I am doing my family history work do I know there is no greater blessing than to have eternal life with them, and I bear my witness in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Almost there--an update from Paradox

2011-01-15T13:24:00.001-05:00

To become a sister missionary is more or less a plan of eight phases.

Phase One: Decide to go

Phase Two: Talk to your bishop and get him to set you up with mission papers.

Phase Three: Fill out papers

Phase Four: Doctors and Immunizations.

If you're in the U.S. and immunizations aren't covered by your insurance, check with your local health department. It was cheaper for me to pay for them out of pocket at the health department than to pay for a doctor to give them to me. I'm told this is usually the case.

Phase Five: Dentist/ Oral surgery

If you're in the Provo area and you want a good dentist to do your dental exam, I recommend Dr. Corbin Matthews at Cougar Dental. I haven't been paid in any way to say that. It's a suggestion I make because of the superb experience I had with him. My wisdom teeth removal was not a typical procedure, and he went above and beyond the call of duty to make sure I was cared for properly and promptly. It made my experience and recovery less painful and stressful than it otherwise would have been.

Phase Six: Facebook group

It's a tradition at this phase of the mission call process to start a Facebook group and have everyone you know guess where you'll be serving your mission. You then track the guesses on a map, and usually give a prize to the person who comes the closest.

I have a map, but it's occupied with tracking all of the temples. So I decided to make one online with Google Maps instead.

View Mission Guesses Map in a larger map

As soon as I get the interviews I need with my bishop and stake president, the papers will be submitted to Salt Lake City. The goal is to have them submitted ~~before I leave Provo~~ ~~by Christmas~~ some time this century.

Phase Eight: Practice Practice Practice

Preach My Gospel has become my new best friend. I've been out teaching with the Sisters once already, and Preach My Gospel is a large contributing factor to the confidence I have in presenting the gospel effectively. We placed a Book of Mormon the first night I went out with them, and it was the most amazing experience. And it wasn't because the people we found wanted to be baptized on the spot or anything. It was because of the feelings of love I had for them as we offered them what means so much to us. It was because I made a significant contribution to what we presented, and I see that I'm ready to do this for 18 months. It was awesome to see Preach My Gospel at work. I loved it, and I can't wait for the next opportunity to teach with them.

Preparing to serve a mission is without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever done. It has required all the faith, patience, and courage I have--and a lot I didn't have. I wouldn't have made it through this process if I wasn't already living the way I'm supposed to, becoming every day the person I know Jesus Christ wants me to be. If I wasn't able to cleave to God while everything else falls apart around me, putting my life in His hands time and time again, if I didn't have a long history of trusting Him and relying on His miracles, I would've failed. I genuinely believe that I only survived it because of Him, because there were a couple of times I actually could've died and probably should have.

Being a missionary in this Church is something I'm willing to give my life to become. Not just 18 months of my time--my life. I can say that because that is nearly what it has cost me. I say it with all the fervor of my soul because I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the the true and living church of the true and living God. I want to live my life in such a way that for Jesus to be the Christ, for this Church to be true, is the only explanation for it. That certainty comes by how well I prepare my testimony for the challenges I face, and how I use it to overcome them.

I want a testimony I can use to change the world, and I know that Jesus Christ has paid the price for me to be able to put in the work and reap that reward. His Atonement is the supernal gift to all mankind, and the fullness of His gospel is how we claim the fullest endowment of His grace, the promise of His help. There is no other name under heaven whereby man can be saved, and I bear you that witness in praise of His holy name, Jesus Christ. Amen

The Paradoxical Division between Home and Family--A Warning

2010-12-30T13:42:00.002-05:00

Originally posted on WatersofMormon.org, a group blog to which I contributed until it closed.

A Paradoxical Mother's Day

--originally posted May 10, 2009--

I gave the talk in the singles ward today. Normally I post my talks on my personal blog, but I decided to make an exception for today. Enjoy

As an English teaching major, one of my favorite things in life is learning to appreciate and use the power of language. I view words and vocabulary as vessels that serve the purpose of literally holding spirit, whose exchange is powerful and sacred. I spend my life combining them, exploring their depths and precise shapes in order to understand the full and honest meaning of the oil they’re meant to hold, and it’s a talent with which I’m glad to be blessed.

I came to a discovery of two words recently that have long impressed me with their depth and complexity. Their ornate and masterful craftsmanship comes from their universal and eternal nature. Thousands of years, countless cultures and their history, have contributed unique and heartfelt loveliness to these two words. The best that mankind has ever had to offer can be summed up in both of these words. I felt impressed to talk about one of them as my topic, but found it to be inseparably married to the second word.

The first word is Family. The second word is Home.

My family isn’t exactly what you would call functional, and I grew up never knowing the safety and security, the peace and love that so many in this Church take for granted. What brought me into the church was the powerful love of God that, because of the spirit, exists wherever there is truth. At long last, I had found a place for my tired, broken, harrowed spirit—the closest thing to a home I had ever had.

Home…

Because I had the church, I had an opportunity to explore that word for the first time. I could bask in the warm glow of that one word’s oil for hours, eagerly awaiting the next opportunity to go to Church and feel it again. Three hour meetings weren’t long enough to feed the hunger of my soul, the desire for more oil to fill this new word of mine. Time passed, and the day came when I finally had enough oil to keep my life well-lit after years of knowing only darkness.

But when my light grew bright enough, I could also see a new word that brought me sorrow every time I looked at it. Family; a word just as large and essential as Home, but I had let it become a very sad and dirty word by how much I had neglected it. I would peer into its dry depths and think to myself, “How am I supposed to fill this and make this better all by myself? I can’t do this. How am I supposed to live with that disappointment?” And so my division between Home and Family was set into place.

Brothers and sisters, I tell you this story because this mistake can happen to ANYONE. I’ll even venture to say that it can happen to those of you in this room who least expect it, and my heart goes out to any of you that struggle to live by the light of one vessel where we were designed to have two. It’s a pain and grief unlike any other, and we have been warned to be watchful and prudent in all that we do to keep the bond between home and family strong enough to protect us from that pain.

In Moses, we read of the first mortal family of Adam and Eve—their respective, yet equally important responsibilities that required them to depend upon each other in order to start their family and create a home. In Moses 5, verses 1 and 2 we see the model of unity the Lord intends for his children.

"And it came to pass that after I, the Lord God, had driven them out, that Adam began to till the earth, and to have dominion over all the beasts of the field, and to eat his bread by the sweat of his brow, as I the Lord had commanded him. And Eve, also, his wife, did labor with him. And Adam knew his wife, and she bare unto him sons and daughters, and they began to multiply and to replenish the earth."

Let me emphasize; only by working together can families be established in righteousness, thereby creating a home that enjoys the fullest happiness Heavenly Father can bestow. Just as families do not exist with one person doing all the work, a home cannot be built through one person’s labors. Even the Lord does nothing alone.

I’ll admit now that I spent years feeling frustrated at the division of my situation because I was so focused on my own hurt, I fell for a division that never should have existed in the first place. Only after turning to the wisdom and council of the prophets did I understand my mistake. Elder Russell M. Nelson teaches that:
“In God’s eternal plan, salvation is an individual matter; exaltation is a family matter.” In my mind, this used to be a really depressing thought because I found it hard to imagine that my family would ever accept the gospel, even though I have every reason to believe in and hope for such a blessing. I tried to throw myself into the Church, telling myself that being surrounded by that Spirit and the people who brought it there would always be enough.

The only thing wrong with that idea is that it isn’t true. The First Presidency issued a letter in February of 1999 with a statement that read:
“The home is the basis of a righteous life, and no other instrumentality can take its place or fulfill its essential functions in carrying forward this God-given responsibility.”

From my experience, I testify that this includes the Church itself. The Church is not a hiding place from life and its problems—at least, not permanently. Especially when it comes to families, we have a responsibility to seek for the healing powers of the Spirit to deal with our challenges, then get back to work serving and building our family relationships—always having Home as our objective.

That can be hard to see when we’re in more of a position like Abraham’s—fleeing from evil, traveling, maybe even wandering, from place to place looking for somewhere to call home in the mean time. When you focus on the fact that his father tried to kill him, his situation sounds miserable. Consider also the fact that he had to face the commandment to kill his son Isaac, and this story looks about as unfair as it gets.

President John Taylor once counseled,

“It is necessary that we pass through certain ordeals, and that we be tried. But why is it that we should be tried? There is just the same necessity for it now that there was in former times. I heard the Prophet Joseph say, in speaking to the Twelve on one occasion: ‘You will have all kinds of trials to pass through. And it is quite as necessary for you to be tried as it was for Abraham and other men of God, and (said he) God will feel after you, and He will take hold of you and wrench your very heart strings, and if you cannot stand it you will not be fit for an inheritance in the Celestial Kingdom of God.’ Some people have wondered why so many of the Twelve fell away. God tries people according to the position they occupy.”

So what is needed in times of adversity, especially when Satan’s target is our family, is a change of perspective. We see in John Taylor’s statement the idea that God will try the Priesthood according to the positions they occupy, but we are also tried according to the position within the family that we hold. Elder Nelson also teaches that:

“The final responsibility to prepare for salvation and exaltation rests upon each person, accountable for individual agency, acting in one’s own family, bearing another sacred title of mother, father, daughter, son, grandmother, or grandfather.”

Until recently, I didn’t realize that my position as a daughter within my particular family was so important as to be considered sacred. When I look at it properly, it makes sense that Satan would make the building of a strong, united, loving family so difficult to do, especially when he has had control over them for so long.

And now that I’m in a position to see better, I not only see that Heavenly Father loves His children, but I know what that means, and I know what it looks like when He bestows His peace, His love, upon families and homes.

It looks like Abraham’s trust in taking what family he has left, fleeing from Haran, and believing that eternity would be their covering as they dwelled in the tents that became their homes until they reached the Promised Land.

It’s the image immediately after Christ’s ascension in Acts 1, where the apostles AND Christ’s mortal family are praying together—symbolically and literally united; just like Christ would have wanted.

The scriptures are full of what might be labeled today as non-traditional families, families that go through changes of all kinds, and I’m sure that there are those in this room who can appreciate that because they’ve seen their share. But it can be so crippling to allow yourself to feel alienated or inadequate if your family isn’t perfect. We can do nothing alone, and if our families have a lot to work on, it isn’t our fault, and we can’t fix it by ourselves. Heavenly Father will be displeased if you exhaust yourself physically and spiritually, to the point of near apostasy, if you try to go through these challenges alone.

Also understand that sometimes, part of our responsibility to our families and to the Lord will be to leave our families for a season. Even if you are the only source of spiritual strength to them, know that the Lord loves all of His children, and He will take care of them. As it says in Luke 9:

"And another also said, Lord, I will follow thee; but let me first go bid them farewell, which are at home at my house. And Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God."

If you endure the season of planting, always seeking the timetable and the will of the Lord in all things, your family will be gathered around you once again at the harvest. I’ve seen it in my own life, and I know that “the Son of man is not come to destroy men’s lives, but to save them.”

If it wasn’t for all that I’ve been through with my family, for the sake of one day having a home with them, I never would have had the love and appreciation that I do for them right now. Knowing that, I’d willing do it a thousand times over because for the first time, there is oil in both of my lamps. Seeing the happiness that those drops have brought, I promise you that no other investment can provide such great returns.

Fill your vessels drop by loyal, obedient drop, and I testify that you will have the light of home and family to be with you once again. This Mother’s Day, I pray we all will remember what is most important in life. Our mothers have created families that can last forever. May we always support them with our every effort, no matter what our circumstances—always using what we’ve learned because of those circumstances to do so. In the name of Jesus Christ, AMEN.

Because Paradox Has Been Given Much

2010-12-22T17:01:00.000-05:00

As I was waking up early this morning, I was thinking about Heavenly Father's relationship with me.

I thought about the endless expanses of eternity--from the largest to the very smallest. I thought about the billions of people who currently live on this earth. I thought about the intricate identities they all possess--beyond any beauty my mind can fathom.

How remarkable is human life.

I thought of the infinite complexities which make up my own life, my identity. Stillness allowed me to see myself for who I really am, and all I could do was marvel at the amazing detail which has gone into my birth. I was born because Heavenly Father wanted me to live, and have joy. He wants to love me not only for who I am striving to become, but exactly as I am right now.

In the privacy of the morning before sunrise, I felt the amazing assurance that my life has purpose and meaning. It has mass and takes up space. I exist because I am needed. I exist to love, and to be loved. And in those realizations, I remembered again the answer to a question I once held tightly to my chest with a kind of desperation.

Why does God love me?

To me, the answer was a mystery. Dear friends and leaders tried to help me understand: Because you are His daughter... Because you are a good person... Because you love Him... Because you are important to Him... Because He has to...

In the process of trying to find an answer I could live with and understand, I had a conversation with a friend. He caused me to consider what kind of life I would live if I knew for certain I would never get to heaven. I thought about it for some time, then realized that I wouldn't change anything about the way I live. I would still live a life pleasing to God, and return to Him the glory and praise He is due. I would live to honor Him, even if I could not return to live in His presence. I would do my best to live joyfully and happily according to the manner of happiness because it has already brought me such great joy. A lifetime of that peace is enough of a reward for the good I would try to do in living the way God wants me to live.

I don't know why, but it was only then that I understood the answer to my own question.

To be loved by God--there is no greater gift He can give us. And that gift is one He has already given completely to all of His children. Being obedient doesn't make God love me more--no more than anyone's disobedience makes God love them less. Obedience is important because it creates peace and clarity for me from my vantage point. The commandments of God make it so I can see Him, hear Him, and understand Him. It brings me to a place internally where I can love myself for who I am, and the goodness in my own heart.

Keeping all the rules--it's not about control, and never was. It's not about showing up, performing some labor, and collecting my share of God's blessings, like a wage. I express my love for the Lord through obedience because Christ has said that's what He desires. (John 14:15)

I can give Him that gift completely independent of the prosperity or peril I experience. But if it wasn't for the commandments of God, I'd be so tangled up in my own desires, my own selfishness, my own way, I would never be able to see and understand what God sees or know what God knows.

It would remain as a mystery, an unwrapped gift, to me.

In a season that emphasizes gifts as an expression of love, may we always remember the gift we received with life itself--the love of God in its incomparable magnificence. When we ponder on the essence of life, knowing and feeling the all-encompassing blessing love is in our lives, may we never forget that "We love him, because he first loved us." (1 John 4:19)

Merry Christmas to you and yours, in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen

On Peace and Pain--a Paradox

2010-11-25T03:22:00.000-05:00

What happens when your happiness no longer relies on external circumstances? When no amount of personal discomfort or inconvenience can detract you from what you know you have to do? What happens when crisis and trial have gotten to the point where they seem hollow to you, and the trust that you live by is no longer a question?

I've just had the experience of being driven through a snowstorm, and finding it beautiful and peaceful. The image of red sins of scarlet being turned white like snow has never seemed more real to me as it did when visibility was nonexistent, and we were surrounded in whiteness.

I realized my life is a lot like this right now. I have a million things to do, places to go, I'm not the driver, I'm not making good time according to the timetable I'm only vaguely aware of, and yet I'm perfectly content to be at peace with everything exactly the way it is because I've realized I'm doing everything that I can to play an active role in it. I don't always have to be the driver or the leader in everything. I don't always have to have all the answers or fix every problem, or even be capable of fixing every problem I have.

Why? Because I'm not the only one working on it. I never will be. I trust it'll get worked out somehow. If there's anything I need to do, I trust myself to figure it out. If I don't figure it out, I trust God to bring me that clarity. He's done it before, and I trust Him to do it again. I've been through enough storms, decisions, turmoil, despair, and hardships of enough kinds that it just doesn't make much sense to me anymore to get worked up, frustrated, or to do anything other than to handle the situation appropriately and to live peacefully, no matter what happens.

I guess that's an involved way of saying that I'm happy despite the apparent circumstances and problems in my life. I'm content with my allotment and portion of both my blessings and trials. I'm surrounded by good and loving people, and I don't want for anything. Well, maybe my mission call. But I'm working through that steadily, and I know that no matter how long it takes me, I will eventually arrive at that destination.

Is struggle a necessary part of our earthly experience? To work through something patiently--to be content with my efforts and their results, to be content that God will be in and throughout everything I will ever face, guiding me as long as it takes. I see no reason for struggle in that. In fact, I'm coming to the theory that if I am struggling, it's probably because I'm doing something wrong. My perception is either incomplete, or I've made the wrong choice, or I'm choosing to be frustrated when it isn't necessary--but I simply don't see why peace can't exist in every circumstance there is--why the peace I feel right now should be reserved only for times of ease.

In Matthew 11, we read:

29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

I admit, there was a time when I didn't believe this. In the midst of trials which were not few in number, or weak in intensity, I've had occasions to wonder if difficulties would ever cease, if that promise was true for everyone except me. I've wondered, like many other Christians, what I had ever done that was so wrong that I deserved to suffer so bitterly, and whether that ease would not come simply because I didn't deserve it anymore.

But now I'm beginning to understand that my suffering is a reaction that will continue for as long as I choose it. Despair and suffering have no necessary connection to the troubles of my life--only in how I decide I will react to them. While there is a place in every life for grief, and even pain, there is also a place for the only healing that is the lasting balm for that anguish.

I think learning to be at peace despite pain and struggle is at the very heart of Christianity, and to navigate that contradiction is one of the most important things I can learn in this life. I think the ability to recognize and embrace it is an invitation to come to know the mind and heart of the Prince of Peace--for surely He was never without struggle. But I also believe that crucial to being the Only Begotten Son, He was always at peace--at peace with the Father, at peace with His plan, and at peace with His role in it.

No one who wasn't could have said, facing the infinite and eternal sacrifice of the Atonement "O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done." (Matthew 26: 42)

He paid a great price to know the totality of human experience--the pain and the peace of our lives. To see that the real peace of life is our confidence in God and in ourselves, instead of in bountiful circumstances requiring no effort--it's a lesson worth taking with me.

I know that Jesus Christ is the Savior and Redeemer of the world, and of my life. I know He loves me, and in every way is mindful of what I face every day--of the choices I make and of the ways in which I'm progressing. He's a wonderful teacher and a kind friend. He has endured with me through every hardship, and it's because of Him that I am now at peace. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Paradox is grateful for good men

2010-11-21T18:43:00.000-05:00

There was an older Polynesian man performing baptisms in the Provo temple this past evening. He had such a loving spirit, you could feel of the deep regard he has for every person that he meets. As he helped me into the font, I overheard him answer one of the temple workers who asked him if they could use him a little while longer, or if he had to leave.

His words were so quiet and gentle, even I could have missed them standing beside him.

"I can stay. I belong to the temple."

I pray that I will never forget those words for as long as I live.

The light was bright in his eyes as he wrapped pruned hands around my wrist, and lowered me into the water.

I look forward to the day when I can thank him for the wisdom he has shared with me.

Paradox on the gospel

2010-11-17T03:41:00.000-05:00

Studying the scriptures through Preach My Gospel has been one of the most powerful transformations to my testimony I have ever experienced. I love Preach My Gospel, and I love the changes it has brought to me. I never realized that all the "dailies" and all the commandments we keep are functions of the gospel, and that the gospel is what brings Christ into our lives.

The gospel of Jesus Christ is the message of salvation we, as members of the Church, are under covenant to share with the world. That message includes 5 fundamentals:

Faith in Jesus Christ as the resurrected Lord, the only one who has/will ever atone for all of the sins of mankind
Repentance to be reconciled with Jesus Christ for all of the sins we have ever personally committed
Baptism under restored priesthood authority, as existed in Christ's church anciently
Receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of hands, a confirming ordinance of that same authority
Enduring to the End--to become continually converted to Jesus Christ by remaining true to the gospel

That's it. That is the gospel of Jesus Christ. Those five things are the root of true conversion. And, as I recently learned, that gospel is not just a preliminary set of steps for new members to go through. Once the first four are finished, a person does not stay permanently at step five, in a vague state of generally doing what we know we should.

No, the gospel is a repeating cycle. To endure to the end means to repeat the cycle continually. The Sacrament becomes the symbolic representation of baptism and confirmation after someone has already been baptized and confirmed. The commandments we follow are then supposed to work together as functions of that gospel, to bless our lives for good and help us grow spiritually.

I attended this talk by Elder Ballard on the gospel of Jesus Christ, and I came into it hoping to gain much-needed insight on time management.

Afterwards, I realized that if I would strive to make a schedule that is based on the gospel itself, I would feel the Holy Ghost's influence more abundantly in my life. So I sat down and categorized how all the things I have to do fit into the gospel itself.

For example, I was reminded that scripture study is inseparably tied to faith in Jesus Christ. It has been my experience that faith in Jesus Christ is almost impossible to maintain unless you consistently read the scriptures--especially the Book of Mormon. Personally, that's also where I chose to classify my studies and college classes because in order for them to be worth my time and money, they need to be building my faith in Jesus Christ. I've found that when I put forth the effort to find Christ in even my most secular subjects, He makes it possible for me to understand many lessons that only He can teach me.

Repentance, for me, is largely grounded in prayer. Once I understood that a crucial part of my prayers needed to be daily repentance, it became a lot easier for me to remember to pray every day, and for my prayers to be more than 30 seconds long. When prayers are a constant vehicle for repentance, they become the conversational prayers I have heard so many teachers strongly recommend, but never instruct anyone on how to begin. For someone who is trying to have more conversational prayers with the Lord, I would recommend starting with adding repentance to them each and every day.

Baptism by immersion was an interesting one. I associated that with temple worship because I'm still in the baptism-by-proxy phase of my temple experience. But this could also apply to the Sacrament, and thereby Church attendance. Because baptisms performed outside the temple are almost identical to the ones performed inside, the jump from the first to the second is not hard to make. But how often do we think of Church meetings as being a place to be immersed in the goodness of God? That's what Zion and the Church are supposed to be like--and whether they are or not depends entirely on what we personally put into them, i.e. all of ourselves. If we continually plop ourselves down in a chair and expect to be spiritually fed without putting any effort into it, we will continue to be disappointed when that feeling of immersion does not come.

The one that jumped out to me the strongest, however, was receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost through the laying on of hands. This made me think of the priesthood, and the question I had to ask myself was "How can I get the priesthood to be more of an active force in my life?" The answer that came to me immediately was the Relief Society, and thereby Visiting Teaching. (If you're curious as to how I made that jump, read this and this.) FHE also came to mind, which actually surprised me way more than Relief Society and Visiting Teaching did. I never thought of FHE as being a means of having the priesthood in my life. As I continued to ponder, I realized that service opportunities fit well under this one because the Holy Ghost inspires people to serve. The laying on of hands in itself is a giving act--one we are commanded to extend to anyone who will receive it.

I have a white board I use to do my planning and time management, and I decided to color code each of the four principles with its own color. I plan to continue doing so as I implement this plan, in order to track the gospel's presence in my life. Once I can build the habits of following through with my plans, and assessing my performance, I can more easily identify how to add things to my life when I feel I need extra help in an area. By being a careful steward over the gospel's influence in my life, I can fortify myself against temptation and the attempts of the adversary to lead me astray.

From this I have learned that the gospel of Jesus Christ is not a catch-all phrase to describe every good thing. The gospel is how every good thing--every commandment, every truth, every principle--is tied to Jesus Christ. When we see those connections as they really are, and keep them unimpeded in our lives, we magnify the ability of God to bless us and endow us with great faith and power. We become more true to what we know, disciples of Jesus Christ. Our light is more able to shine because it is more easily magnified through our righteous actions, and I know that as I strive to lay that gospel foundation in my life, that gospel will lay a foundation in me for greater things to come.

I testify of this in the holy name of my Savior and Redeemer Jesus Christ, whose gospel this is. Even so, Amen.

Paradox is Planning Ahead

2010-11-13T01:29:00.001-05:00

A few days ago, I woke up to discover that all the leaves had fallen off of the walnut tree in our front yard. Summer is my favorite season, so seeing all the leaves on the ground is sometimes quite sad for me. It's a sign that I have a long time to wait before Summer comes again.

The leaves on this tree had turned yellow before they fell to the ground. They covered the yard in golden autumn, and they seemed to glow in contrast to the overcast sky.

It was beautiful.

Maybe it's because I'm in the desert now, but I truly appreciated how beautiful trees are for the first time in my life.

I have often thought about my children and how I would teach them about the Second Coming of Christ, how I could possibly be wise and confident enough to teach them what I know in my heart to be true.

But as I sat, staring at my yard, I realized I could already picture it.

Raking leaves into a huge pile, laughing together as we jump in them over and over again, then looking at my little ones in that day and asking them a question.

"How do you know the leaves on this tree are going to grow back?"

I'm anticipating the looks of confusion, the mom-are-you-dense? look.

"Mom, why wouldn't they? They always grow back."

"Yes, but how do you know?"

"We've seen it before."

And that's where I'd point out that we can say the same thing about Jesus Christ because of the scriptures. The Bible and the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine & Covenants and the Pearl of Great Price. Their combined purpose is to help us have faith that Christ will come again--evidenced by all the times He's come before.

We learn from the experiences of others in order to see His hand in our own lives. We rely on memories from our own lives when the winter sets in. We trust He will come to us again because He has come before.

I'm currently working my way through Helaman, and I always seem to feel discouraged when I get to that part of the Book of Mormon after reading about generations of war and bloodshed. Christ's entrance feels like it takes forever to happen. But He comes in the scriptures, just as He comes in real life.

And I don't find it so hard to believe that the only reason I can look out my bedroom window and see all of that--in a bunch of leaves in the middle of Provo, Utah--is because He wants me to know He cares.

I know He's real. I know He's coming back, and I plan to live on that hope for as long as it takes. No matter what I'm asked to do, no matter how hard it gets, no matter what's ahead of us as a Church, or me as a person. Even if it's trying to be patient--to wait well when time moves so painfully slow. I don't care. I'll learn to be patient, and I will wait for Him.

Why? Because He's worth waiting for.

And I say that in His name, even Jesus Christ. Amen.

Templebound Paradox: Rededicated

2010-10-26T06:00:00.000-04:00

Going to the temple is a commandment from Christ, and has been for quite a long time. I would like to bring the prophecy of 2 Thessalonians 2: 1-4 to your attention:

Current map of temples for the announced temples
of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

1 Now we beseech you, brethren, by the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, and by our gathering together unto him,

2 That ye be not soon shaken in mind, or be troubled, neither by spirit, nor by word, nor by letter as from us, as that the day of Christ is at hand.

3 Let no man deceive you by any means: for that day shall not come, except there come a falling away first, and that man of sin be revealed, the son of perdition;

4 Who opposeth and exalteth himself above all that is called God, or that is worshipped; so that he as God sitteth in the temple of God, shewing himself that he is God. [emphasis added]

Those verses tell any Christian who will read the New Testament that in the last days, the Lord will reveal Himself as God in His temple. Temples are to be a signature of the Lord's hand in the latter days--a reflection of His authority--and are precursory to the return of Jesus Christ. For Christ's people to be without temples in the latter days is impossible if one believes the teachings of the Bible to be true.

Temples are, as we say in the Church, a sign of the times. They are a sign that the latter days are upon us, and that Christ's authority has returned to the earth. That authority exists still with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Christ Himself said no less to His people in 1832 when He commanded through the Prophet Joseph Smith:

"Wherefore, stand ye in holy places, and be not moved, until the day of the Lord come; for behold, it cometh quickly, saith the Lord. Amen." D&C 87: 8 [emphasis added]

How quickly is "quickly"? I wanted to know. And seeing as the rate at which our temples are being built is a reliable (and measurable) latter day indicator, I did what anyone would do to grasp a change over time.

I made a graph. You see here displayed the number of unique temples to date which have been dedicated in this dispensation. The data begins with the temple dedicated in Kirtland, Ohio on March 27, 1836. Also note, with the 5 temples which were just announced in General Conference, this graph is already 23 temples behind because those temples have not yet been dedicated. They have been announced, however, and the work on each of them commences according to the will and blessing of the Lord.

[Note: The increase which happens after the Priesthood was extended to all worthy males in 1978. Also, the largest increase begins in 1999 and tapers off seven years later--a fact more evident in the data than on the graph. That 7 year burst reflects a prophecy of President Gordon B. Hinckley’s in “To The Boys and To the Men” from October 1998 General Conference in which he warned of 7 years of plenty, followed by... well, life as we now know it. (I hesitate to say 7 years of famine because President Hinckley himself hesitated to say seven years of famine.)]

Latter-day Saints have a long history of building temples. Early in our history, the command to build them divided many families and cost many lives. No impostor, no one who is unauthorized by Christ Himself, could triumph over the hell we face to build these temples all over the world. Every time we build another one, the way becomes more treacherous for Saints everywhere. The only protection against the hardship the temples bring are the temples themselves--to worship in them, to praise God for them, to perform the work that takes place within their sanctified walls, and to bring the spirit out through our personal righteousness, and share that goodness with the world.

When Saints fail in that work--when they reject the temple, or do not live up to their responsibilities and covenants related to the temple--they are not the only ones who suffer. The world and everyone in it suffers. We must remember that as we pray and strive to take the gospel into the furthest reaches of the globe. There is no turning back, and there is no calling it quits.

I know that the work of the temple unites families, because my family has been united and strengthened by the ordinances performed vicariously on their behalf in the temple. I love the temple because it blesses my life and unburdens my soul. I have come closer to Christ through the work of the temple, and I look forward to the day when all that I still long for--those choicest blessings that are inseparably tied to the temple--are finally bestowed in my own life. I endure in faith because I know they will be. I have trusted God with my happiness, and I know He will deliver me to the Promised Land. Truly that Promised Land has been restored to us once more. It exists inside every dedicated temple on the earth.

I love my Savior. I know that He lives, and that He loves us. I bear this witness in His name, even Jesus Christ. Amen.

Paradox is No Fool

2010-10-12T04:51:00.005-04:00

I heard President Boyd K. Packer's talk the day he gave it. I've also read it--which is more that many apostates, apostates-to-be, and angry protesters can say. But rest assured, I'm not going to talk about the protests.

Instead, I'm going to point out the instructions President Packer specifically gave to my generation in the Ensign two months ago, about how we are to deal with these angry people who want to take our faith from us.

In Finding Ourselves in Lehi's Dream, President Packer warned us what we can expect in our future:

"Atheists and agnostics make nonbelief their religion and today organize in unprecedented ways to attack faith and belief. They are now organized, and they pursue political power. You will be hearing much about them and from them. Much of their attack is indirect in mocking the faithful, in mocking religion...

You who are young will see many things that will try your courage and test your faith. All of the mocking does not come from outside of the Church. Let me say that again: all of the mocking does not come from outside of the Church. Be careful that you do not fall into the category of mocking." [emphasis added]

If my peers think our present concern is homosexuality, they need to wake up and pay closer attention to what is happening.

There are faithful members of this Church who deal with desires of homosexuality. They remain faithful and earn every blessing mortality has to offer. They make covenants in our temples. They hold callings in our congregations. They refuse to let this part of their lives rob them of their blessings, and they refuse to believe that their desires entitle them to break our Heavenly Father's commandments. I applaud them for their strength, courage, and faith. I am not ashamed to call them my brothers and sisters. There is nothing I wouldn't do to help them bear their cross of staying faithful to Jesus Christ. I love them, and I am honored to know the people I have known who deal with homosexuality and still glorify Christ in all that they do. They are no less Christian than any other member in good standing, and anyone who questions their faith offends Christ as they do so.

We could not be Christians if we hated homosexuality with the same disregard with which many gay rights activists have hated us. If any of the Brethren gave into such hatred, they would be removed from their place in the leadership of the Church. Having said that, I post President Packer's Conference talk below. The text is available here.

President Packer's warnings in his Ensign talk, together with the warnings in his Conference talk, are not solely about homosexuality. They are directed at anyone and everyone who would abandon their faith in Christ and His Church, feeling they are justified to do so for some unchangeable, "natural" part of their character. Some members will use homosexuality as an excuse to leave the Church, and therefore these warnings do apply to them. But the statement was worded exactly--to apply to anyone who will attempt to lay aside their covenants, pick up the titles of "atheist" and "agnostic," and attempt to leave this Church as if it had never happened to them. President Packer's statements aren't just obvious statements of something which is already happening. They are prophecies of things still to come.

Let me say it again, to be perfectly clear. If our concern in the Church was about homosexuality, we wouldn't have homosexuals in good standing in our church. But we do. So obviously there are people on the other side who need to get their facts straight.

Apostates come in every size and persuasion, and President Packer's talk in the Ensign has told my generation where we should look for our instructions on how to make sure we are not among them. And, surprise of all surprises, he didn't direct us to more statements from the General Authorities--which is what you would expect if this was about brainwashing us.

No, President Packer expects us to do our own study, get our own revelation from the Holy Ghost, and figure this out for ourselves. That's why he directed us to the scriptures:

"As we think of you young Latter-day Saints and think of the Book of Mormon and think of the dream or vision that Lehi had, we see that there are prophecies in there that can be specifically applied to your life. Read it again, beginning with 1 Nephi 8, and read on to the counsel that is given. The Book of Mormon talks about life after death: what happens to the spirit (see Alma 40:11–12) and what happens in the spirit world (see 2 Nephi 2:29; 9:10–13). All of the things that you need to know are there. Read it, and make it a part of your life. Then the criticism or mocking of the world, mocking those in the Church, will be of no concern to you as it is of no concern to us (see 1 Nephi 8:33). We just move forward doing the things that we are called to do and know that the Lord is guiding us." [emphasis added]

Upon inspection of that chapter, we see that verse 33 is the money maker:

"And great was the multitude that did enter into that strange building. And after they did enter into that building they did point the finger of scorn at me and those that were partaking of the fruit also; but we heeded them not." [emphasis added]

One of the things people in this Church need to figure out is that our covenants don't have a fine print, or terms of termination. Once you're baptized, it's forever; endowed and sealed, doubly so. When you make a covenant with God, He owns you--not the other way around. Our responsibility is then to give ourselves to Him completely. In thought, in word, in action. No more holding back. No more nooks for silent conspiracies. No more renegade philosophies of men, corrupt gender perception, cruel and selfish gay rights agendas, vengeful dwelling on personal offences, or any other refusal to repent and align ourselves with the mind and will of God. The two things all of those "issues" have in common is their total disregard for God's will, and their growing enmity against the leaders and members of His Church.

There is a growing divide between the people who are in this Church for keeps, and those who are not. I'm not surprised by this. It's a sign of the times. Wheat and tares, ladies and gentlemen. We play an active role in how we are being sorted by who we become each and every day. Those who choose to abandon faith once it's given to them by the Spirit offend God. That self-destructive action has a consequence of darkness--one so intense and miserable that any person subject to it is willing to engage in proselyting of their own. They rob the weak of faith simply so misery will have some company. It's an act of treachery, and most who engage in it are in total denial about it because the weight of what they do would literally crush them from the inside out.

That is what the truth does. It condemns us, or it sets us free. And if we stand condemned, we must admit we've been wrong before it can set us free. And if there's anything I've noticed about straying members of the Church, there are three things they could say to God that would lift them where they stand, which would end so much of what they face, and what they're in for. Three things they could say, but they either won't, can't, or are afraid to say:

"I'm wrong. I'm sorry. I love you."

When I came into the Church, I had to learn this lesson too. It's what Repentance is made of. There was hatred in my heart for many people, and much of what had happened to me in my past. I was hurt and angry, but my journey had to begin with learning how wrong I was about everything--about God, other people, and myself. I had to learn how to apologize, and mean it. I had to learn to love, and trust that love would heal my sorrow, and take away my grief.

That's where change begins. Only then did the love of God touch me, and heal every wound of my soul. One day at a time. First the broken heart. Then the wounded body. That's how I became a living soul all over again. Fertile ground for a testimony that saved my life, and has made my life so beautiful, so wonderful, I am glad to be alive. I cannot wait to see my Savior again. I rejoice at the thought of coming into His presence. I am not perfect, but I am happy. I may not be spotless yet, but He taught me how to change. To feast on joy, and to share that gladness with others.

It all began with "I'm wrong. I'm sorry. I love you."

Those words are beautiful to me still... Repentance is so beautiful, I couldn't have made it up to save my own life. It just wasn't in me. But it is now, and I know God is an awesome God of healing. I testify of my Savior Jesus Christ--that He atoned for our sins. He bears us up when no one else can. He loves us when no one else knows how to anymore. I love Him. I worship Him. I love His Church, and I love the leaders He has chosen for it. I love my brothers and sisters, and I look forward to serving all kinds of people when I finally leave for my mission. Even if they hate me. Even if they think I'm crazy. Even if most of them slam the door in our faces. Even if there are those who try to make my mission the worst experience of my life. I don't care. In time, they will know that I loved them.

And in time, those who hate President Packer right now will eventually realize that he loved them too.

That is my testimony, and I bear it gladly in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

The Paradox of Diversity

2010-09-28T07:13:00.004-04:00

I am currently taking astronomy and chemistry, and I'm learning to love science in ways I never knew how to before. Seeing how the precise interplay between planets and forces, chemicals and light contribute to mortal life and the existence of our earth has been an inspiring experience. It's amazing to listen to the whisperings of the Spirit as He uses chemistry and astronomy to explain the Plan of Salvation to me in new ways--the design behind the science from the Master of it all.

I was preparing for an exam earlier today, and was studying the physical and chemical design of the planets in our Solar System. I learned that Earth's liquid core is what provides for magnetism, but Jupiter and Saturn have an even stronger magnetism because of their liquid metallic hydrogen. Venus and Mars have atmospheres heavily composed of carbon monoxide, while Jupiter and the other Jovian planets are mostly composed of hydrogen and helium. Earth is the only one in our Solar System whose atmosphere is made predominantly of nitrogen and oxygen. And it's because of our atmosphere's unique composition of elements that we are shielded from the harmful parts of the electromagnetic spectrum.

In other words, the only reason the Sun doesn't kill us is because our planet is different in exactly the right way to keep us alive.

My book also explores the moons of many different planets, and makes an observation that you can scour the Solar System and never find two heavenly bodies that are exactly the same. And there's really something to that when you think about it.

There is a lot of diversity in our Solar System. That's true of the planets and the stars, and the chemicals from which they're made. The ebb and flow of the universe as those chemicals interact on atomic levels--and how those interactions have huge and cosmic consequences in the lives of planets and stars--is simply breath-taking.

However, it's important to remember that diverse and life-sustaining are two very different things.

You can't change a planet without changing what it's made of temporally, no more than you can change a person without changing what he or she is made of spiritually. Changing the spiritual make-up of a person is possible through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, but that change cannot be superficial. There is no superficiality in chemistry, as far as my 101 experience has shown me. Changes start from the inside, and work their way out.

On an atomic level, the innermost reaches of person or a planet, you either sustain life, growth, (and I would add) truth, knowledge, faith in God and testimony of his Church... or you don't. And sure, if you don't, that might make you different. But if those differences do not sustain life, they're completely useless to you at best, will destroy you if you're lucky, or will cause you to destroy others if you're unlucky.

After all, Mercury is solely unique--sort of like the Earth. It's the only planet in our current Solar System without an atmosphere. And it might have even had some "bragging rights" as being the planet closest to the Sun. But it has no protection from the most harmful electromagnetic waves of the Sun, which might for the analogy be rendered S-O-N.

And because of that, nothing grows there. And one might argue that nothing ever will.

(Gee, who does that sound like?)

But Paradox, don't we kind of need Mercury to have balance, which ultimately allows for life to continue?

With the gravitational forces at play, I can believe Mercury the planet is part of how we have life right now on Earth. I have no beef with Mercury the planet.

But I'm talking about the misery and desolation that would cause someone to self-destruct--to try and steal someone else's faith. I'm talking about the kind of treachery that goes against what man, woman, and child were born to be, for no person was ever designed to be damned.

We exist to be exalted. That is God's plan of happiness, and always has been. We are divine sons and daughters of Heavenly Parents. Just as nebulae give birth to stars, so do divine Parents give birth to divine children. It's not difficult or unnatural to believe it. To believe anything else, in my mind, would be the only unnatural thing.

I rejoice to say with Job:

"The Spirit of God hath made me, and the breath of the Almighty hath given me life." (Job 33: 4)

From what I've seen in my latest experiences in science, my breath of life right now is supposed to be oxygen. I don't have to fight against God to make my life interesting--because if you're going to do that, you might as well pick a fight with the air you breathe.

With the greatest happiness we could ever know being tied so completely to God's plan of salvation, choosing eternal life really can be as intuitive as breathing, if we will allow it to be so. That all of my brothers and sisters will come to know this joy is my prayer in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Paradox hopes they call her on a mission

2010-09-24T02:27:00.002-04:00

Sister Kinman saw me twice before we actually spoke to each other, but I could tell she wanted to speak to me. I didn't know her, but I could feel even from her passing glance her need for... something. Something from me. Something I could say to her.

But my roommate and I had just come from the South Visitor's Center, where she had tried to page another Sister missionary--one who had served the outbound portion of her Temple Square mission in Pennsylvania where my roommate is from. We were standing outside of the Tabernacle, waiting for the Sister to finish her tour so we could say hello.

While my roommate waited for her, I was reminiscing on the conversation I'd just had with another Sister. She was from Hawaii, and I didn't know her. She asked me, seemingly from nowhere, a question that shocked me where I stood.

"Are you going to serve a mission?"

Through a smile that touched the secret of my heart, I told her, "I wanted to, and I still do. But I don't know if I will any time soon."

When she asked why I wasn't going to serve, I proceeded to tell her about the missionary I'm currently waiting for. I told her sincerely that his mission has been my priority and in many ways has been like a mission to me. She understood. She showed me the ring on her left hand, and I knew there was nothing else I needed to say. We smiled at each other knowingly, and I felt comforted once again that I had done all the Lord had asked me to do up to this point in my life. I had made sacrifices, and they had been perfectly terrible to me at the time, but had turned out wonderfully in the end.

I could wait, I told myself. So familiar. How many times had I told myself that? I would serve a mission someday, and I could wait until then.

I looked up and saw two Sisters approaching me. Sister Kinman was one of them. She smiled at me and walked up to me and started talking. She didn't mistake me for an investigator at all. Instead, she also asked me what I hadn't yet recovered from.

"Are you going to serve a mission?"

I want to, I thought to myself. I really want to. In fact, I want to do that with the same intense aching, the same desire with which I want to be sealed to my family. To say I want it doesn't quite do it justice. It's a longing I could die from if I'm not careful.

"I'd like to," I said, still smiling. And I told her my conversion story. I told her that I hadn't had any missionaries to teach me because there weren't any assigned to our part of the stake. I told her I'd been converted "by members being good people," who weren't afraid to share that goodness with strangers. I told her I had been drawn to that goodness, and through mistakes of my own I had nearly lost that light. But when I got it back, I decided I couldn't live without it and I would never let it go.

I told her, "I am a missionary, and I will always be a missionary."

She looked at me, eyes shining with light of her own, smiled and thanked me.

"I needed to hear that," she told me. I was glad to be there for her, and realized again that being a part of this--this precise art of God's serendipity--is why I want to serve a mission.

She proceeded to tell me that I could serve a mission, that all the things going on in my life shouldn't stop me if it's what I want to do. And there are no words to describe how much I wanted to believe her, and I found myself believing her against my experience and judgment.

The bitter part of me--the one who was hurt the most when God said "No"--wore a cruel smile then. You may chain me here, but you'll never be rid of me, her expression read. I jabbed her as hard as I could, and she closed her eyes again. There was a tear on her cheek. And I turned away by looking outward. I'm not cruel enough to find joy in anyone's suffering, not even my own.

Sister Kinman walked away then, and her work inside of me was finished. She may not know what she has reawakened in me, or what it means for me to be here again. How long I've waited, and how painful the weight has been. When I first saw her, I thought she needed something from me. But now I see that what she gave to me was of more worth than anything I could've said to her that day.

But it didn't end with her. Several minutes later, my roommate met up with the Sister she had been searching for. That Sister's companion began speaking to me. Her accent was thick, and her last name was impossible for me to pronounce. She was from Ukraine. And in broken English, full of the beauty of revelation, she asked me the question I now have to answer.

"Are you going to serve a mission?"

She told me how she decided to serve a mission. She encouraged me to proceed in faith, and told me about the blessings her family had received since she had begun serving. She told me about the miracles she had experienced in trying to serve those whom the Lord brings to her on Temple Square. Her eyes were bright with faith and strength.

In just a few short months, I will be old enough to serve a full-time mission. And I have never wanted anything in the same way as I have wanted to serve a full-time mission. It wasn't until I fell in love that I was even sure I wanted to get married--but even when I wasn't sure of that or anything else, I knew I wanted to serve a mission. And now I see in myself that the desire has not changed.

The question remains, despite my certainty of many things: "Are you going to serve a mission?"

Am I?

Am I going to step up and begin the process which has been so difficult for so many of the strongest people I have ever known? Am I going to make the eternal covenants of the endowment in order to become who I must be in order to be a Sister--knowing I will have to bear my portion of that weight alone? Am I going to postpone my marriage even longer in order to do this wonderful thing which has such a power for good in the lives of others? Am I strong enough, brave enough, and wise enough to finish what I've wanted so much to do? Am I willing to go wherever the Brethren assign me to go, no matter how difficult, no matter how dangerous? Am I willing to go forth, knowing that I must forgive myself, then forget myself in order to serve others with all the love and strength of my heart? Am I able to live for Christ in every moment of every day, honoring Him and cherishing Him, and filling my soul with His light?

I knew the answer to these questions long before the Sisters asked me. That's the reality of what President Julie B. Beck was talking about when she said that preparing for a mission should be "a review and not a revelation."

I don't have to wonder if I'm able. I don't have to wonder if my testimony is strong enough. I don't have to wonder if I know enough. I don't even have to wonder if I want it desperately enough yet.

All I've ever wondered is if God will let me serve Him--if, in all He asks of me and my life right now, there might be a black badge somewhere with my name on it. A genuine smile I might learn to carry with me through all things, and eyes warm with testimony strong enough to liberate people from fear. Some words I might say in a right moment to a soul in need of someone like me. A handmaid to my Lord in His loving kindness and everlasting salvation.

To walk among my Father's kingdom, healing wounded souls, declaring:

"Come, my brethren, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters; and he that hath no money, come buy and eat; yea, come buy wine and milk without money and without price."
2 Nephi 9: 50

That is still my dream.

Precisely Hatred--a Paradox

2010-08-30T21:20:00.002-04:00

One of the most important lessons for a student of scripture to understand is the importance of precision in interpretation. Especially when all of your scriptures--as is the case for Latter-day Saints--are products of translation, oftentimes looking up the words in the dictionary is not enough to truly understand the meaning of what we are taught from them.

One such word, which occurs with particular frequency in the Old Testament, is "hate."

There are times in the scriptures where hatred is expressed as we understand it; a passionate loathing or despising that is nothing short of a human frailty. Many times, this is exactly what the words mean in stories such as Amnon and Tamar in 2 Samuel 13.

However, when "hate" is used to describe God's regard, or in commandments in relation to our responsibility as His Saints, only the Holy Ghost can reveal its true meaning.

God does not give Himself over to the irrational, passionate, seething hatred of men. Those are not His ways. I direct you to Leviticus 19:

17 Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart: thou shalt in any wise rebuke thy neighbour, and not suffer sin upon him.

18 Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I am the Lord.

We are not allowed, commanded, or encouraged by our God or our prophets to hate anyone in our hearts. To do so is a direct violation of the teachings and examples of Jesus Christ when He taught that instead of loving our neighbors and hating our enemies, He would have us:

Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. (Matthew 5: 43-45)

So what, then, is the hatred of God? I direct you back to the verses from Leviticus given above. God's hatred is a rejection, an eventual disassociation, a separation from His presence. It is an action, one that does not require a feeling of hatred--nor could God give Himself over to such a base feeling and still be God. It is NOT a total severing, for such does not take place until no more labor can be performed. For God to "hate" is purely administrative--but that is not to say that God does so without feeling. Quite to the contrary. Looking upon the record of Enoch in the the Book of Moses reveals that when God must cast off His wicked, idolatrous, disobedient children, the feeling of His heart is perfect sorrow.

At times, we may be invited through our experiences in life to share in that sorrow for those who disobey. But it is not our place to allow that feeling to be adulterated and perverted with anger and scorn--a refusal to love them. To do so is not Christian, and the Holy Ghost will not honor or abide with anyone who gives themselves to such unbecoming, unauthorized conduct.

We have to realize that when we say that Heavenly Father loves ALL of His children, that Christ's help is for everyone, it is not our place to add a self-righteous "except for this person," to the end of either of those statements. It is not our place to make allowances for ourselves to "love the sinner, but hate their sins." Many times when we say this, we condemn for sins which we do not know of with any certainty--and when we do, we sometimes use it as a license to continue in our negativity towards those "sinners" in our lives. It is never our place to punish those who have sinned with feelings of hatred or vengeance, and God rejects anyone who stands between Him and His children is such a brazen display of Satanic behavior.

We have every right to reject sin through our teachings and our testimonies, and to do so publicly--to warn our neighbors, just as we are instructed in Leviticus. But such "rebuke" needs to be solely comprised of teaching proper principle and truth with love, respect, and fondness born of trust. It needs to be given from a people who are quicker to reject their own sin and confess their own faults than to point out the faults of others. We will find that as we do this, to use harshness and anger is entirely unnecessary. That is the miracle of Christ's example. Teaching through love and respect is much more effective than to give into a spirit of meanness unbecoming of Heavenly Father's children.

Looking upon God's hatred as rejection finds consistent parallels in the temple imagery of Jude 1: 23 and Hebrews 1: 9. That imagery, also found in D&C 36: 6, teaches that those who are ordained to preach the gospel have the responsibility to say to all men:

Save yourselves from this untoward generation, and come forth out of the fire, hating even the garments spotted with the flesh.

But make no mistake: we are not being sent forth unto the world with a message to sow heated contention with those who would oppose us. Our message is one of love, from a Father who desires not only to love, but to bless all of His children. Because God cannot bless the unrighteous and still be God, our message is one of baptism, of renewal, rebirth, and resurrection. Ours is the message of Jesus Christ. That message can never be anything other than love. It may at times be sharp, or loud, or perhaps even severe. But a message of hatred from the heart is not God's message.

If our messages, public or private, written or spoken, to friend or to stranger, of the mind or of the heart, ever descend into feelings of loathing and hatred, we must understand that the best thing for us to do is to be silent. In choosing to be silent, we make the conscious decision not to give our discourse, our efforts, and ourselves over to the adversary. We must check ourselves against what God "hates"--see Proverbs 6: 16-19--and repent of all those things of which we might stand guilty. To do so is to regain the Spirit and to become wiser for the experience and to truly learn from our mistakes.

I testify that Heavenly Father is a perfect, loving God. I testify that Jesus Christ is His perfect, loving Son. I know that the Holy Ghost bears the perfect testimony, and that as we listen to Him we can learn to teach powerfully without a need for the coarse barbarism of the devil. I testify that to do so is our responsibility as Latter-day Saints. I know bearing true testimony of Jesus Christ provides security from sin which comes from actively opposing all which is evil, and that as we do so we will see the Church press forward towards both its destiny and destination. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

That's not a Paradox--that's Just Wrong

2010-08-25T19:38:00.002-04:00

My iPod Touch is a lovely device which I have stuffed to the rafters with music and General Conference talks alike. Needless to say, I'm a big fan of that kind of versatility.

But at some point, I have to draw the line between versatile and just... well, wrong.

Dear little iPod. I fear I must correct you, because you are very confused.

Lynyrd Skynyrd ≠ Elder Nelson

Paradox on Enduring to the End

2010-08-18T21:13:00.002-04:00

I get a lot of people passing through here looking for stories on enduring to the end. I assume these searches are for lessons and talks. Because I aim to serve, allow me to share two of my favorite examples of this principle, and the talks associated with them.

The first example is from the life of Jesus Christ. I direct you to Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's talk The Inconvenient Messiah. Elder Holland expands upon what Jesus went through when He was tempted by Satan, as recorded in Matthew 4: 1-11.

Elder Holland explains Satan's treachery in each of the temptations that he gives to Christ, and how we must be sure to avoid that same treachery in our lives. Elder Holland explains what Jesus does to overcome His encounter with Satan, and what we MUST do to follow Christ's example to overcome our showdowns with Satan throughout our lives.

"I wish to speak this morning of the demands of discipline and discipleship, of the responsibilities we have to face when we choose to follow Jesus Christ. In the Savior's life and in ours, Satan counters such discipline with temptations of an easier way, with an offer of 'convenient Christianity.' It is a temptation Jesus resisted, and so must we. Life was very inconvenient for him, and, unless I miss my guess, it will often be so for you and for me when we take upon us his name."

Enduring to the end, keeping the faith, is a part of our baptismal covenant. We give up the ability to ever stand on neutral ground regarding Christ when we are baptized. Because of this, we will be fighting and opposing Satan for the rest of our mortal lives--if not longer. Sometimes our fight will be more active and tiring than at other times, but even in times of peace we must oppose that which is evil. That is what enduring to the end means. I love this talk because it expresses that reality in no uncertain terms.

This second story comes from President Thomas S. Monson's talk Be of Good Cheer. In his talk, President Monson speaks of a woman who loses her husband in World War II. In order to evacuate to safety, this woman must then trek from East Prussia to Western Germany alone with her 4 children.

One by one, she loses each of her children to the unforgiving winter, and for the first three children she digs their graves with a spoon. She loses her baby daughter last, and digs that grave in the frozen ground with her bare hands. President Monson retells this woman's prayer and describes how it saved her life:

"'Dear Heavenly Father, I do not know how I can go on. I have nothing left—except my faith in Thee. I feel, Father, amidst the desolation of my soul, an overwhelming gratitude for the atoning sacrifice of Thy Son, Jesus Christ. I cannot express adequately my love for Him. I know that because He suffered and died, I shall live again with my family; that because He broke the chains of death, I shall see my children again and will have the joy of raising them. Though I do not at this moment wish to live, I will do so, that we may be reunited as a family and return—together—to Thee.'

When she finally reached her destination of Karlsruhe, Germany, she was emaciated. Brother Babbel said that her face was a purple-gray, her eyes red and swollen, her joints protruding. She was literally in the advanced stages of starvation. In a Church meeting shortly thereafter, she bore a glorious testimony, stating that of all the ailing people in her saddened land, she was one of the happiest because she knew that God lived, that Jesus is the Christ, and that He died and was resurrected so that we might live again. She testified that she knew if she continued faithful and true to the end, she would be reunited with those she had lost and would be saved in the celestial kingdom of God." --President Monson

This woman understood the power of her testimony of Jesus Christ and her prayers to Him, and that's how she endured to the end of her struggle. She knew that her personal suffering had no bearing on the reality of Christ's atonement and resurrection, and the truth and power of His gospel. She knew and trusted that her covenants within His gospel would save her, whether she lived or died. That is a choice lesson, which only comes personally through suffering. It cannot be given in an easier, more convenient way.

That is the testimony of my life. My life has not been the most difficult in all of human history, nor has it been the easiest. But I trust God to help me through everything that I face. I trust His gospel and His servants to help me and teach me. I trust the insight and wisdom they've gained over a lifetime of service and preparation for and from their callings. I rejoice to be able to recognize the truth in what they teach. I share their words in every way I can because I know they are true, and I've gained that witness from the Holy Ghost.

I know the Holy Ghost speaks the words of Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. I know that Jesus of Nazareth is the Messiah, and that there is NO other name in heaven or on earth by which mankind can be saved from sin and death. I bear that witness joyfully in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen

Paradox knows a lot of awesome men

2010-08-13T07:48:00.001-04:00

I recently gave a talk in my congregation's Sacrament Meeting. It was based on Elder David A. Bednar's most recent General Conference talk, Watching with All Perseverance. I recorded an audio copy for my fiancé who is currently serving a mission, and decided to preserve the audio here in addition to the usual text. The genealogist in me thinks this is a wonderful idea. We'll stick with it for a while and see how it goes.

In the Book of Moses, we read about Enoch and the dark times in which he lived. We read about the call Enoch was given to face those days of darkness, before the destruction of the Lord.

6: 27 And he heard a voice from heaven, saying: Enoch, my son, prophesy unto this people, and say unto them—Repent, for thus saith the Lord: I am angry with this people, and my fierce anger is kindled against them; for their hearts have waxed hard, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes cannot see afar off;

Brothers and sisters, everywhere around us are people blind to the darkness of this world. But as in the days of Enoch, the Lord has anointed and prepared a seer, someone who can discern good and evil for the benefit of his people.

We testify that we have a modern seer in Thomas S. Monson, which makes these next verses so revealing:

6: 36 And he beheld the spirits that God had created; and he beheld also things which were not visible to the natural eye; and from thenceforth came the saying abroad in the land: A seer hath the Lord raised up unto his people.

6: 37 And it came to pass that Enoch went forth in the land, among the people, standing upon the hills and the high places, and cried with a loud voice, testifying against their works; and all men were offended because of him.

6: 39 And it came to pass when they heard him, no man laid hands on him; for fear came on all them that heard him; for he walked with God.

As Elder Bednar told us in his talk Watching with All Perseverance, we live in a day of warning. We live in a day where we must accept that before long, we as a people will be hated and feared. Because our people alone have the authority to build Zion, we must look upon those who have built Zion before us, and realize they have shown us the way we must go.

Elder Bednar’s talk is striking because he isn’t just teaching us how to withstand darkness in our families. His counsel has a much broader application, in teaching us how to be watching in all perseverance for the coming of the Savior. He teaches us how to be like the followers of Enoch, the builders of Zion who look to their seer for direction. Elder Bednar teaches us to do three things that Enoch’s people also did.

The first is to read and discuss the Book of Mormon. Enoch taught his people:

6: 46 For a book of remembrance we have written among us, according to the pattern given by the finger of God; and it is given in our own language.

The Book of Mormon is our authorized book of remembrance for our day, in our language. It is the book of our people. Anyone familiar with its contents, translation, publication, and mission knows that it will build Zion wherever it goes, out of every hallowed person who embraces it. The Book of Mormon prepares our minds and hearts to be builders in Zion because it teaches us the signs to look for from President Monson, and the prophets who will follow him. If we will read and treasure the words in the Book of Mormon, we will recognize that everything our prophets ask us to do, no matter how small, has a purpose in the building of Zion.

The second thing Elder Bednar tells us to do is to bear testimony of the gospel, or the doctrine of Christ. We learn from the testimony God gave to Enoch that the gospel isn’t as involved as we sometimes like to make it. Listen to these verses from Moses 6 for the list of what we have been commanded to teach and testify:

6: 57 Wherefore teach it unto your children, that all men, everywhere, must repent, or they can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God, for no unclean thing can dwell there, or dwell in his presence; for, in the language of Adam, Man of Holiness is his name, and the name of his Only Begotten is the Son of Man, even Jesus Christ, a righteous Judge, who shall come in the meridian of time.

6: 59 That by reason of transgression cometh the fall, which fall bringeth death, and inasmuch as ye were born into the world by water, and blood, and the spirit, which I have made, and so became of dust a living soul, even so ye must be born again into the kingdom of heaven, of water, and of the Spirit, and be cleansed by blood, even the blood of mine Only Begotten; that ye might be sanctified from all sin, and enjoy the words of eternal life in this world, and eternal life in the world to come, even immortal glory;

6: 60 For by the water ye keep the commandment; by the Spirit ye are justified, and by the blood ye are sanctified;

6: 61 Therefore it is given to abide in you; the record of heaven; the Comforter; the peaceable things of immortal glory; the truth of all things; that which quickeneth all things, which maketh alive all things; that which knoweth all things, and hath all power according to wisdom, mercy, truth, justice, and judgment.

I testify to you that these verses contain secrets and mysteries that only the Holy Ghost can reveal. Elder Bednar told us to bear testimony of the doctrine of Christ because that is what makes a true testimony, and what makes this the one true Church upon the face of the earth. Anyone whose teachings are not in harmony with this testimony does not teach the truth. If we will bear true testimony, we will become inspired sons and daughters, and we will be able to receive greater light and knowledge from the inspired men and women around us. The most important lesson I ever learned in the Church is how to listen to inspired men and women. May we learn to bear inspired testimony, so we can receive inspired testimony from the Lord.

The last thing Elder Bednar taught us to do is to learn to act upon the teachings of Jesus Christ. He taught us this because too many of us have allowed the faith of others to act around us and act upon us, but to never truly act for ourselves as builders of Zion. We come to God and ask things of Him we are perfectly capable of getting for ourselves, and this does not please Him. We do this because we lack confidence in ourselves, and we misunderstand what faith truly is. Faith is a willingness to submit to the Lord’s power. On our own, we possess no power—therefore, there’s no reason to have confidence in our own power. Ours is not the power we need. Read with me about what Enoch does because of how total his submission to the Lord is:

7: 13 And so great was the faith of Enoch that he led the people of God, and their enemies came to battle against them; and he spake the word of the Lord, and the earth trembled, and the mountains fled, even according to his command; and the rivers of water were turned out of their course; and the roar of the lions was heard out of the wilderness; and all nations feared greatly, so powerful was the word of Enoch, and so great was the power of the language which God had given him.

Enoch goes on to build the city of Zion, where the Lord returns to His people, walks with them, and dwells with them. How glorious it would be to have our Savior return to us, to walk among us because we are sufficiently clean and pure to dwell in His presence! May we cease to strive after our own personal comfort in the gospel, and take up the cause of Zion. May we realize that Enoch saw our day, saw the darkness of it, saw the desires of our hearts as we longed for Christ, and He pleaded with Christ to return to us. And Christ said of us to Enoch:

7: 60 As I live, even so will I come in the last days, in the days of wickedness and vengeance, to fulfil the oath which I have made unto you concerning the children of Noah;

7: 61 And the day shall come that the earth shall rest, but before that day the heavens shall be darkened, and a veil of darkness shall cover the earth; and the heavens shall shake, and also the earth; and great tribulations shall be among the children of men, but my people will I preserve;

7: 62 And righteousness will I send down out of heaven; and truth will I send forth out of the earth, to bear testimony of mine Only Begotten; his resurrection from the dead; yea, and also the resurrection of all men; and righteousness and truth will I cause to sweep the earth as with a flood, to gather out mine elect from the four quarters of the earth, unto a place which I shall prepare, an Holy City, that my people may gird up their loins, and be looking forth for the time of my coming; for there shall be my tabernacle, and it shall be called Zion, a New Jerusalem.

I testify that Elder Bednar’s message has prepared us for both the terror and triumph of our day, and the days to come. He is a seer, and his words are true. The apostles are servants to our anointed seer, even Thomas S. Monson, and to the kingdom of Zion. I testify that if we will watch our leaders with all perseverance, we will not be led astray by the adversary, who is working harder than ever to destroy us. I know that Christ is stronger and more faithful than the devil. I know Satan will lose this war he has started, as will everyone who stands in the way of Zion and her servants. I testify that Joseph Smith is the prophet of this dispensation, and I am honored to serve under him. I know that as long as I stand by Joseph Smith, I stand by my Savior Jesus Christ. I testify that Heavenly Father loves us, and who He loves, He chastens. I pray we will be chastened and improve every day of our lives, for this is the way to eternal life. In the name of Jesus Christ, AMEN

What CAN'T Wal Mart Sell?

2010-08-11T16:02:00.004-04:00

--originally posted on Waters of Mormon on October 15, 2007--

Want proof that the world is worse now than it ever has been? Who would have thought that proof of our nation's apathy toward sacred covenants was only as close as the nearest Wal Mart?

For the low, low price of $19.74, you
can own your very own divorce!

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints does not advocate divorce. With a doctrine like eternal marriage, I don't see how they ever could; another reason on my (ever-growing) list of why I love the Church.

My parents were never married, so their separation didn't have the same process as a divorce. I've had my life severed in half before, and was told to give a half to each parent-- and then grappled with the fact that as long as they never had a whole piece, neither would I. When I was 15, I took the other half back from my father; one of the hardest, if not the hardest thing I've ever done. Only in the past year or so has my life taken on a status quo beyond the division that happened so long ago.

Statistically, my chances at a successful marriage probably aren't very good. With the divorce rate somewhere around 50% and as a child from divorce, I probably don't have a shot at a successful marriage on paper. Fortunately, I've come to the right place to do away with such a possibility. The LDS Newsroom had their own statistics in relation to divorce and temple marriage:

"According to research cited in a 2000 article in the Los Angeles Times, 'in an era of divorce, Mormon temple weddings are built to last,' with only a 6 percent divorce rate. Another study, published in 1993 in Demography Magazine, concluded that members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who marry in one of the Church's temples are the least likely of all Americans to divorce." (more here)

The American Dream is alive and well in the Church. Not only is a healthy marriage, 3 and a half kids, the white picket fence and the dog fully possible, it's encouraged. I admit, part of me hesitates to trust that image as the be all and end all of happy marriages. But I can't deny that it's what I've always wanted, and that I would have no idea how to achieve such a dream if I hadn't found the Church.

--My thoughts today--

I testify that Jesus Christ gave my life back to me when He took my life's halves and made them whole again. He was the only one who was not only willing, but had the power to do so. No court can do that, no law can do that, no amount of therapy has ever done that for me. No good intentions, no positive thinking, no amount of effort from anyone else could have healed me after all that I had seen. When I found the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I found the home I had yearned for all my life. And it's not because Church has happy, loving people in it. I testify it's because this is the true Church of Jesus Christ on the earth, with His power, His authority, and His voice. We have no need to speak for Him among our people because He speaks for Himself. His Spirit dwells with us, and God attends His Spirit. And wherever God is, there is my home.

When Jesus Christ taught me that His way, His home, was not supposed to include divorce, I was not offended. I rejoiced! Why? Because when God says forever, He means it. He has a better way, and there are better days ahead than everything I've always known. And I can trust Him when He tells me that.

I've finally found a Promise I can trust.

Can I get a Paradox--I mean, a Witness?

2010-08-07T06:44:00.001-04:00

This picture is worth a great deal to me--not because the quality of the picture is good, not because it was taken with the best camera, and not because it meets the standards that would make it a masterpiece in the world's eyes.

This picture is worth a lot to me because of what I was doing--the miracles that happened--the day it was taken. I wasn't trying to impress anyone. I was trying to preserve a very sacred memory, and used what I had available to me at the time--which was someone else's camera phone. I took one shot to be polite, sent the picture to my own phone, and that's the only picture I have from the day my father was baptized and confirmed into the gospel of Jesus Christ.

This picture is a memory to me, a record. It's a record of the miracles that took place that day. The distortion and imperfections on this image do not affect the quality of my feelings and memories for those miracles.

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the imperfections we find in our scriptures, our histories, and even in the lives of our leadership throughout the ages--their flaws are a lot like the imperfections and distortions to this picture. Their imperfections no more change the fact that their words bear and direct the Holy Ghost than the distortions on this picture change whether it's still a picture of the temple.

In the Book of Mormon, the word imperfection occurs three times. Each verse contains insight and instruction for those who discredit the Book of Mormon because it isn't a perfect record, according to their mortal standards. The verses read as follows:

And whoso receiveth this record, and shall not condemn it because of the imperfections which are in it, the same shall know of greater things than these. Behold, I am Moroni; and were it possible, I would make all things known unto you.
Mormon 8: 12

Condemn me not because of mine imperfection, neither my father, because of his imperfection, neither them who have written before him; but rather give thanks unto God that he hath made manifest unto you our imperfections, that ye may learn to be more wise than we have been.
Mormon 9: 31

And if our plates had been sufficiently large we should have written in Hebrew; but the Hebrew hath been altered by us also; and if we could have written in Hebrew, behold, ye would have had no imperfection in our record.
Mormon 9: 33

The Book of Mormon and the prophets of God do not need to be perfect to be who they say they are. Those who mock and reject the word of God or His servants because they do not follow human standards for artistic mastery, historical validity, philosophical or political merit--or any other standard other than God's own--overestimates the value of those mortal standards. They pass a superficial, mortal judgment on something eternal and spiritually perfect. They assume themselves capable of understanding perfection well enough to pass that judgment.

This is why missionaries from the Church ask their investigators to pray to Heavenly Father to gain a witness of the Book of Mormon. God is the only one who can judge truth and perfection, and is the only one who can declare whether someone's words are true. He directs the Holy Ghost, who is the only one who can give those investigators that witness. We can choose to accept or reject that witness from God, but we cannot obtain it in any other way.

May we understand that our scriptures and the prophets who recorded them are not holy because they are perfect. They are holy because the Holy Ghost attends them. Jesus Christ is perfect, and we should never trade communing with Him personally for our own understanding. If we want to receive perfection we must receive His voice through His ordained words and His chosen servants.

I bear this in solemn witness to His name, even Jesus Christ. Amen.

The Paradox of Hope

2010-07-30T22:54:00.046-04:00

Last night, I met someone I've wanted to meet for a long time. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland was up at Sundance, enjoying Big River with his family. At intermission, I shook his hand and thanked him for the help he has been to me for many years--something I have long wanted to do.

If you had told me that last night would be when I'd have this chance, I wouldn't have wanted to believe it. For want of a better description, I imagined if this particular blessing ever came to me, it would be when I was spiritually strong and healthy, not when I was struggling and recovering from quite a bit of personal failure in my life.

But even in the dark, I could see heaven's light shining in Elder Holland's eyes. They were so bright, and like the other apostles I've met in my life, I knew he could have looked deep into my soul if he wanted to.

Geez Paradox, isn't that weird to you?

No, not really. It's nothing compared to what it'll be like to be judged by Christ. As far as I'm concerned, I'm just practicing.

But this experience has weighed upon my mind. What are the odds that my roommate would be unable to give away her voucher to anyone except me, and the night I go is when he happens to be there? What are the odds that I receive one of the blessings I want most during one of the times I am in spiritual recovery and don't really deserve it?

What are the odds that I receive that blessing not because I "deserve" it, not because I want it, but because I need it?

Truth be told, I believe that my meeting Elder Holland that night under those circumstances was no accident, no random chance. Heavenly Father knows exactly what it means to me, and why I wanted to thank Elder Holland for what I could never put into words--especially not in that setting.

The more I see of God's hand in my life, the more I see that it's impossible for me to deserve in mortality anything He gives me. Sure, I may be obedient to the best of my ability, but I am never going to deserve the greatest blessing He can bestow, the blessing He desires to give me, and will give me if He has His way. And if I ever do receive the immortality and eternal life that are Christ's goals with my life, how could I ever thank Him, or my Heavenly Father?

How do you thank someone who looks at you, day after day, as weak as you are, as much as you fail, as much as you struggle to learn, and the only commandment He asks for you never to break is the one where He tells you to "Try again." And even when He doesn't say it with a smile, He never yells or loses His patience with me. Even when I deserve it. Even when I yelled at Him first.

The words of King Benjamin in Mosiah 2 resound again in my soul:

20 I say unto you, my brethren, that if you should render all the thanks and praise which your whole soul has power to possess, to that God who has created you, and has kept and preserved you, and has caused that ye should rejoice, and has granted that ye should live in peace one with another—

21 I say unto you that if ye should serve him who has created you from the beginning, and is preserving you from day to day, by lending you breath, that ye may live and move and do according to your own will, and even supporting you from one moment to another—I say, if ye should serve him with all your whole souls yet ye would be unprofitable servants.

My efforts and my gratitude may never compare to what my Savior has given me. That's OK. When He told me to "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect" in Matthew 5: 48, He wasn't demanding for me deliver on my eternal potential in mortality. He doesn't even expect me to deliver on my current potential consistently.

We need to understand what Christ was really saying there. If we can't, literally CAN'T be perfect in an instant, Christ wouldn't command us to do it. Obviously He intends for us to be perfected over time. And if we're to be perfected over time, and we're to be perfect like our Father in Heaven, obviously He was perfected over time too.

If both the Father of our spirits and the Redeemer of our souls had need to grow, obviously we will too.

Some people look upon that as one the most blasphemous thoughts in my religion. Personally, I find it to be the greatest comfort imaginable. Suddenly, God isn't someone waiting to beat me or bless me after my one lifetime of stumbling and struggling with the fact that I'm human. He's a patient Father who knows the way because He's lived it before. He's a testimony to me of my possibility for perfection.

In essence, He gives me hope I don't deserve right now because deserving it was never the point. If I deserved it, it wouldn't be hope.

The Paradox of Testimony

2010-07-13T16:16:00.003-04:00

Bearing testimony of our Savior is the privilege of my life and the calling of my generation. This blog would be of little or no use to anyone if it ever deviated too far from the miracles and majesty of Jesus Christ. Because of that, I want to deal directly with the topic of Christ now, and share the heart of his gospel message.

After Christ performed the powerful miracle of the Atonement and was crucified, we read in John 19: 30 that after he had finished everything he had set out to do in his mortality, "he bowed his head, and gave up the ghost." Leaving this world in perfect submission, He gave his life and his power, bore the burden of our sin and mortality... surrounded by the vilest of hellions and in the face of complete and total despair, Christ performed a perfect sacrifice by offering everything He had ever earned as a payment for our salvation and exaltation.

Why? Because He loves us with a perfect love. He loves all life, and believes fundamentally and fiercely that life should continue--that our lives should continue. He believes each and every one of us have purpose, meaning, and something of infinite worth to contribute to the kingdom of God. In short, He believes in the divinity that is within all of us, and because He has seen what that divinity can become, He doesn't want us to settle for anything less than the perfect joy of our Father in Heaven.

We read in Ether 12: 7 the following:

For it was by faith that Christ showed himself unto our fathers, after he had risen from the dead; and he showed not himself unto them until after they had faith in him; wherefore, it must needs be that some had faith in him, for he showed himself not unto the world.

Akin to that though is this portion from 2 Nephi 2: 8:

...there is no flesh that can dwell in the presence of God, save it be through the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah, who layeth down his life according to the flesh, and taketh it again by the power of the Spirit, that he may bring to pass the resurrection of the dead, being the first that should rise.

These scriptures tell us that after the Resurrection, Christ no longer had to appear to anyone who did not have faith in Him. As Zion's builders, we have to understand this crucial information to rise to our fullest potential in these latter days.

If we want to perform our latter-day mission to build Zion and have Christ return and claim her unto Himself, we must be a body of people who believes completely and lovingly in His Resurrection. In the Church, it's easy to focus so much on the Atonement that we forget that it would have been incomplete without the Resurrection. But we must grow beyond this lack of understanding.

Think about it. If Christ had offered to cleanse our lives without ever taking up His life again, we'd still be damned. Death would still hold us captive, halting the plan between birth and rebirth. Our earth could never be exalted and heaven could never come to us. The dead might be redeemed, but they'd never be resurrected. If they were never resurrected, they could never inherit the kingdom and glory of the Father, becoming heirs of salvation with Christ. Zion would never truly come forth, would never fully put on her beautiful garments of priesthood power. (D&C 113: 7-8) We as latter-day servants would not be able to finish the work we were assigned--to build Zion--if it wasn't for the Atonement and Resurrection of Jesus Christ.

The house of Israel must be redeemed, and we will bring the gospel to them through our testimonies of Jesus Christ as His ordained servants. Our faith in His Atonement and Resurrection will make it possible for us to regain His presence. In a world that seems to believe more and more fully each day that only seeing is believing, we must remember the power of faith--for this is the only way to appreciate the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

May we more fully become valiant saints of that testimony together, in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Paradox on Annotating Patriarchal Blessings--Adobe Reader

2010-07-02T22:42:00.002-04:00

In my previous post on annotation, you'll notice I said I don't annotate my blessing with Microsoft Word. Instead, I use the Comment feature in Adobe Reader. The programs are pretty similar, but I like the less crowded display of Adobe. Please also note that I'm in no way trying to sell Adobe Acrobat. Quite the opposite. I'm trying to help you get what I believe of my own accord to be a superior electronic annotating experience.

Getting Started
The first step is to get your blessing into a PDF format with comments enabled. If you've created a PDF of your blessing with any other program--whether through converting to PDF from another document type online, or converting to PDF with your scanner--you will notice that the Comments feature will not be enabled on your document. This feature can only be enabled through a version of Adobe Acrobat. How I got around that is downloading a free trial of Adobe Acrobat Pro (found here, link to the free trial in the right hand column), opening my PDF, and enabling the comments.

Once you have Adobe Acrobat, you can create a PDF of your blessing by clicking the Create button, and choosing either a File from your computer, or to create one from your Scanner.

Enable Comments
Once you have your blessing open in Adobe Acrobat, go to the Comments menu, click on Enable For Commenting In Adobe Reader, then save the document. This will ensure that your document will be enabled for comments in Adobe Reader (which is free) long after you 30 day free trial in Acrobat Pro ends.

Personally, I view this as a good time to get out of Acrobat Pro. Considering I don't plan on buying Acrobat Pro and my experience of annotating is going to be largely in Reader once the trial ends, it makes sense to me to learn how to annotate in Reader. This guide will proceed with Reader. If you want to play around with it in Acrobat Pro, you're on your own from here.

Find the PDF on your computer and open it with Adobe Reader. This may require you to right-click on the PDF and choose Open With... then click on Adobe Reader.

Create a Comment
Go to the Tools menu, click Customize Toolbars, and check the box next to Sticky Note. This puts a button on your toolbar for you to add annotations. If you don't want the toolbar button, go to the Tools menu, click Comments & Markup, and choose Sticky Note. The result will look something like this:

Because I don't have a mock blessing to show you, I'm going to proceed with a talk on Patriarchal Blessings to go over the mechanics. (As a slightly unrelated aside, the PDF archives on speeches.byu.edu have comments enabled. It's a great way to find your favorite BYU devotionals and talks, and annotate them.)

Also note that the small thought bubble that appears is customizable. Right-click on it, go to Properties, and use the options in the box (shown in green above) to change its color, opacity, and shape. You can drag it to anywhere on the document. Clicking on it will bring up the larger box (the purple on the right) where you type or paste your annotations. The larger box can be resized and moved. To minimize the larger box, click the top right corner.

You can attach files as comments. You can also add a button to your toolbar for this feature, or go under the Tools menu, select Comment & Markup, then Attach a File as a Comment. I have used this feature to attach PDFs of talks on Patriarchal Blessings. Your result will look something like this:

You will have the option to choose the icon you want. You can right-click on the icon and select Properties to change its color, opacity, and shape as well.

Notice the two icons on the bottom left of the screen, the yellow bubbles and paper clips. These bring up windows that show you an index of your comments and attachments, respectively.

The interface overall is simpler, and because I have an eye for simplicity I like it better than Microsoft Word. I haven't even begun to explore everything the program can do, however, so have fun with it.

But whether you use Adobe, Microsoft Word, pen and paper, or rock and chisel, the important thing is that we actively engage with the patriarchal blessings our Heavenly Father has given to us. President Thomas S. Monson once taught:

"Your patriarchal blessing is yours and yours alone. It may be brief or lengthy, simple or profound. Length and language do not a patriarchal blessing make. It is the Spirit that conveys the true meaning."

I testify that every patriarchal blessing has that promise for those who will seek until they find. In the sacred name which seals all blessings to their recipients, even Jesus Christ. Amen.

Paradox on Annotating Patriarchal Blessings--Microsoft Word 2007

2010-06-29T01:17:00.002-04:00

Some of the most sacred experiences I've ever had have been mentioned in some detail within my patriarchal blessing. As I've studied it, I've gained crucial insight into who I was in the pre-existence, and who I am trying to become in this life. Through studying the insights of my patriarchal blessing, I am able to plan and prepare for my future.

Studying my blessing has been crucial to understanding it. I've explored how I can use a couple of common computer programs to help me do this, and my goal is to point them out in the event that they can help someone else.

I began in Microsoft Word 2007, using the Comments feature in order to record my insights. To do this, Go to the Review tab, highlight the the word you want to annotate, and click on New Comment. A bubble will appear in the right hand column. Type or paste your insights here. You can also put links in these bubbles. The result will look something like this.

I have found that by picking out important words and phrases in my blessing, and studying how the scriptures have given context to those words, I understand much better that no part of my blessing is common. Our prophets also provide great insight that, when gathered and compared with the scriptures, deepens our appreciation for even the most fundamental aspects of the gospel. These aspects like prayer and scripture study take on new life because we can join them with the vision of our patriarchal blessing, and see how they fit into the larger context of our personal lives and eternal destinies.

As we gather more information and carefully store it in our Word document, it may begin to look something like this:

Which bubble goes to which thought? It gets pretty tangled. When you click on a bubble, it will show you which highlighted phrase is associated with it, which does help. But some reformatting might make this a little easier.

It may take some time, but playing with it will help you to figure out how to set it up just the way you want it. For those of you who dislike reading from a screen, I can't say I blame you. But under this approach, it's easy enough to print what you've gathered every so often--making it simpler and more organized than handwritten annotations.

Another nifty feature which may appeal to some is using the Charts feature to show which words appear the most in your blessing. For those of us with longer blessings, this may be a little harder to figure out. I made a Wordle with mine, then found the top 10 words. Once you have your word counts for the words you want to use, go to the Insert tab and click Charts. Choose the chart you want and enter your data.

When you finish, it'll look something like the following example:

You can change the colors of your charts by double clicking on them and choosing from the options that appear in the tool bar at the top of the document window. You can also change the color of your annotation bubbles by going to the Review tab, clicking the arrow under Track Changes, then Change Tracking Options... and changing the color in the Comments drop down box. The color shown in my examples is Violet.

There are features I like about Microsoft Word, but that isn't the program I use personally. I annotate a PDF of mine in Adobe Reader. I will do a separate post on that program soon.

I know patriarchal blessings provide some of the choicest council from the Lord a person can receive in this life. I know the patriarchs are inspired of God, and I know that my patriarchal blessing is comprised of words straight from the Lord to me. My blessing is mine, it is divine, and I knew that when I received it.

Receiving and understanding our patriarchal blessings protects us from the deception of Satan, which will become a greater need in each of us as these last days bring us closer and closer to our Savior's return. In the holy name through which these blessings come, even Jesus Christ. Amen.

Of Projects, Parables and Paradox

2010-06-23T01:45:00.005-04:00

You may have heard about the young woman in Provo who was recently attacked, raped, and left for dead outside of the Branbury Apartments.

What you don't know is this young woman is in my stake.

It's no mystery to anyone familiar with Brigham Young University that entire stakes do not cover a large geographical area. Members of my ward live in the complex where the incident took place. I don't think I have to explain that I live very close to where this incident happened.

But on Sunday, our stake presented us with an opportunity to do something about what happned: a service project to clear away the trees and undergrowth separating the Provo River trail from the Branbury Apartments.

On Monday, we gathered and got to work.

As I did my part to clear trees in the heat of desert midday, I thought about the young lady whose need has inspired our actions. I thought about her loved ones, and how hard it must be for them to see her go through this. I said more than one silent prayer for them all that day, and my prayers do remain with them because they are not just nameless strangers to me. They are members of my Church family I haven't met yet, and I don't need to know their names or ever see their faces to love them like family and wish them the best.

Those feelings of love and family stayed with me as I looked around and saw my fellow volunteers. I saw the priesthood holders who would come on a day's notice and give their time and their sweat to protect the safety and virtue of others. I saw members of my Relief Society there, doing their share and pulling their weight--exerting strength according to what they could lift, and conserving their energy so they could work longer and do more. I saw a great and powerful love that day between friends and strangers alike as we do what we can to diminish Satan's influence in our community.

And the great part to me is that this project was just the beginning to a larger solution--which is so important because just changing the environment isn't going to be enough in this battle against the adversary. The Branbury is providing an ongoing self defense course, which has (unsurprisingly) received an overwhelming response from young women who want to feel safe despite what has happened to our sister.

But what I will long remember from this day was the image of the Priesthood and the Relief Society working together. If I may invoke the language and cadence of a parable, I want to picture the kingdom of heaven for a minute.

Young men and women lift burdens that look like trees and underbrush but are actually something much greater--despite the heat of the day and the weight of the load. They leave all the tired gender battles on the ground where they belong. A log is a log, and someone has to lift it and put it in the pile over there. It's that simple. You lift what you can carry, and when you get tired you pray. Male and female, you are strengthened through Christ and you carry on.

A young man, seeing I have no gloves, gives me some to use. I use them for my task and give them back to him because I don't need them for everything. Certified workmen run the equipment, the chainsaws and the wood chipper. They oversee everyone, young and old, and clear the area when it's time to pull another tree down. They plan, make the first cut, and hand us a rope to pull the tree down.

If I have hands, I can work. The strength of my back is the strength of my back. The only reason there were only four of my church sisters there working is because only four of them showed up--not because the women weren't invited.

President Spencer W. Kimball once taught of the Relief Society, "There is a power in this organization that has not yet been fully exercised to strengthen the homes of Zion and build the Kingdom of God—nor will it until both the sisters and the priesthood catch the vision of Relief Society." (see here)

I don't know what other people see when they think about heaven, but it's important to remember that the work never stops when you want to go far. In Matthew 20, Christ teaches:

27 And whosoever will be chief among you, let him be your servant:

28 Even as the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.

In my mind, heaven wouldn't be heaven if there was no work to do. Sure, we could sit around in pretty mansions and shoot the breeze with each other for all eternity, but what would be the point? We need to remember that heaven, in all its perfection, still has a purpose: to serve God in opposing evil continually.

If the work in which we're engaged for mortality never penetrates that spiritual realm of good and evil, doesn't force us to look beyond our immediate circumstances and into that eternal future, we won't be ready for that future when it comes.

Get Outta My House--a scary thought from 2 Nephi

2010-06-18T15:41:00.003-04:00

--originally published on Waters of Mormon on November 8, 2008--

Behold, hath he commanded any that they should depart out of the synagogues, or out of the houses of worship? Behold, I say unto you, Nay.” 2 Nephi 26: 26

My mother has never been one to protect my sister and me from the wicked things of this world, I suppose in the hopes of teaching us something about it. My last trip to New York City as a non-member was no exception.

The last night we were in the city, we were hopelessly lost in the business district of Manhattan some time after six in the evening. The streets were deserted—an eerie contrast to the bright and bustling hub of Times Square. As the sun set behind the towering buildings on the horizon, my worry for my family became more pronounced in the dying light. I looked to my mother, the citadel and Ma Joad of our existence, and saw a tired, care-worn woman pouring over a map that had long proved to be useless. I can imagine her still, refusing to acknowledge worry or defeat for the sake of keeping our confidence. I felt powerless in her shadow, but my confidence in her faded with each rat that scurried across the sidewalk, each pole dancer that entered the “gentlemen’s club” across the street, with the anxiety that spilled into the evening air with the steam beneath the manhole covers.

We’re all going to die, I decided finally, plopping myself down on the sidewalk.

It soon became necessary to caffeinate my mother, so my death was thankfully interrupted by a trip to Dunkin Donuts that changed my outlook on life forever.

A homeless woman with an overstuffed, black plastic bag slung over her shoulder was walking down the sidewalk across the street. Even from where I was standing, I could hear her incoherent yelling to someone I had assumed was behind her. I could make out only one repeated phrase from where I was.

“GET OUTTA MY HOUSE! Y’AIN’T WELCOME IN MY HOUSE! GET OUTTA MY HOUSE!”

I laughed at her, despite myself, because I honestly felt scared enough to cry. A tumult of sympathy for this deranged stranger, my exhaustion from a day surrounded by people and their constant noise, and silent misery disguised as maturity became too much for me to face anymore. I laughed at this poor battered soul as she dug through trash cans for things to add to her Atlas-like burden. It was only at that moment that my mother finally spoke to me.

“She’s probably a schizophrenic woman whose family doesn’t know where she is, and she doesn’t have any more medication. It isn’t right to laugh at her.”

I realized two things in that moment that I still keep with me: my mother may not know where she is sometimes, but she is never lost; and the suffering of this woman was meant to teach me something.

New York City represents for the United States the apex of all worldly success—the financial prowess and cultural center my family intended to celebrate with a three day vacation that became for me a type of pilgrimage because of this one soul. This woman will be a walking testimony against our society at the judgment day, at a time when our greatest weaknesses will be shouted from the rooftops for all to hear. Her life serves as a warning against us all because even though our Father in Heaven will never turn His children away from His house of worship, He is fully prepared to tell us to “Get outta my house” at the Judgment Bar.

Many might object to the idea of a schizophrenic homeless lady being a messenger for the Lord, but I am convinced that even the unlikeliest of people can be angels of warning. Whether on the streets of New York City or in a classroom at BYU in Provo, Utah, the idea that Heavenly Father’s love could be so entirely conditional does not seem to go away.

Relief Society--Paradox of the Priesthood Then, Now, and Forever

2010-06-12T15:50:00.007-04:00

I wrote a post discussing the power of women's virtue here. I'd like to expand upon those thoughts to an organizational level, and explore the great gift God has given the Church by restoring the Relief Society to the earth.

The following is an article from the Deseret News, published in April of 1868, available here.

FEMALE RELIEF SOCIETY

--by Eliza R. Snow--

This is the name of a Society which was organized in Nauvoo, on the 17th of March, 1842, by President Joseph Smith, assisted by Elders Willard Richards and John Taylor. Although the name may be of modern date, the institution is of ancient origin. We were told by our martyred prophet, that the same organization existed in the church anciently, allusions to which are made in some of the epistles recorded in the New Testament, making use of the title, "elect lady."...

From this we see that the Relief Society was just as much a part of the gospel Restoration as the priesthood. For women to be organized and contributing to the affairs of the church is a function of the Plan of Salvation, the gospel of Jesus Christ. That gospel is incomplete without Heavenly Father's daughters.

If that's the case, what does He intend for them to do? We find those answers in the very next sentence:

"This is an organization that cannot exist without the Priesthood, from the fact that it derives all its authority and influence from that source."

The Relief Society has power, authority, and influence in the priesthood!

Whoa! Are you tellin' me that everything I've heard about the powerless Mormon woman is a lie? That she has had power and authority in the gospel this WHOLE time? That she can act in God's name through her access to the priesthood, and Joseph Smith taught that from the very beginning?

Yes, dear. That's what I'm telling you. And if you'll come with me to the scriptures, we'll explore a few things about the calling of an "elect lady."

There may be more references that are not so explicit and of which I'm unaware, but one New Testament reference to an elect lady occurs in 2 John 1: 1. A few verses of note from the epistle directed to the elect lady, which hold an amazing amount of relevance to the Relief Society of today:

5 And now I beseech thee, lady, not as though I wrote a new commandment unto thee, but that which we had from the beginning, that we love one another.
6 And this is love, that we walk after his commandments. This is the commandment, That, as ye have heard from the beginning, ye should walk in it. {Note: the classical Greek word for love used in these verses is agape, also translated as charity. Charity Never Faileth? Anyone?}
7 For many deceivers are entered into the world, who confess not that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh. This is a deceiver and an antichrist.
8 Look to yourselves, that we lose not those things which we have wrought, but that we receive a full reward.
9 Whosoever transgresseth, and abideth not in the doctrine of Christ, hath not God. He that abideth in the doctrine of Christ, he hath both the Father and the Son.
10 If there come any unto you, and bring not this doctrine, receive him not into your house, neither bid him God speed:

Also note in verse 13 it refers to an elect sister. This phrase, along with elect lady, baffles Bible commentators. Who is the elect lady? Why isn't she named? Is she even a person? If not, who/ what is her sister? Because the verses refer to the elect lady both singularly and collectively, it's difficult to identify who she is by the sparse details provided. I read an online commentary here which presents a few ideas on the Greek, but ultimately decides the elect lady must be a name for a single congregation of the church.

To say it's a congregation seems simple enough, without ever having to acknowledge the radical notion that women actually participated in and mattered dearly to the early Christian church.

We must also recognize that just as God is infinite, eternal, impartial, and unchangeable (1 Nephi 10: 18, Moroni 8: 18), His gospel is infinite, eternal, impartial, and unchangeable. If He empowered women before in His covenant, they will always be empowered under His covenant.

We see this power throughout the history of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, beginning with Emma Smith, long before the Relief Society was ever established.

In July of 1830, the Prophet Joseph Smith revealed the following unto his wife Emma from the Lord Jesus Christ:

3 Behold, thy sins are forgiven thee, and thou art an elect lady, whom I have called.
5 And the office of thy calling shall be for a comfort unto my servant, Joseph Smith, Jun., thy husband, in his afflictions, with consoling words, in the spirit of meekness.
7 And thou shalt be ordained under his hand to expound scriptures, and to exhort the church, according as it shall be given thee by my Spirit.
8 For he shall lay his hands upon thee, and thou shalt receive the Holy Ghost, and thy time shall be given to writing, and to learning much.
9 And thou needest not fear, for thy husband shall support thee in the church; for unto them is his calling, that all things might be revealed unto them, whatsoever I will, according to their faith.
15 Keep my commandments continually, and a crown of righteousness thou shalt receive. And except thou do this, where I am you cannot come.

Notice Christ, through the mouth of Joseph Smith, has called Emma an elect lady 12 years before the Relief Society would be restored. The Lord was not giving Emma the charge to babysit her husband. He was teaching her about her access to the priesthood.

Women do not function in the offices of Melchizedek because they have their own office as wives and mothers in God's covenant. To reject that office and calling it to reject His power.

Emma's calling also goes beyond her personally, in her ordination to "exhort the church." That sentiment, along with "elect lady" require the Relief Society to truly be fulfilled. These phrases function as prophesy that not only would the Relief Society return, but that Emma's eternal destiny was tied to it. She would become the Relief Society's first president--a choice daughter of eternity not just by association with her husband, but to the Restoration of the WHOLE Church. A Church that would be incomplete so long as the women were not formally organized and given power and authority within it.

There are women in this Church who look at verses 6 (not shown above) and 7 and wonder why women are not given such responsibilities today--why they no longer have some of the same responsibilities women had early in the Restoration. These women argue that our power has been taken from us. They don't see how covenant motherhood IS powerful, and has a much greater purpose than bearing children--as important as that also is.

Julie B. Beck, the Relief Society general president, has given many talks over the past few years that outlines where women's access to power and authority is.

In Mothers Who Know, she taught that women's power comes through motherhood.

"Nurturing requires organization, patience, love, and work. Helping growth occur through nurturing is truly a powerful and influential role bestowed on women."

People criticized President Beck in this message because they never stopped to consider that this kind of influence would require them to access the power of the priesthood, and to have the authority to USE IT.

In Fulfilling the Purpose of Relief Society, she makes her message to the sisters of the Church even more plain when she teaches:

"Just as the Savior invited Mary and Martha of New Testament times to participate in His work, women of this dispensation have an official commission to participate in the Lord’s work."

But perhaps that's not plain enough. Let's go to her most recent talk. You don't have to read anything but the TITLE to see where she's been going with this the whole time!

And upon the Handmaids in Those Days Will I Pour Out My Spirit is not just a title. It's a prophecy found in Joel 2.

28 And it shall come to pass afterward, that I will pour out my spirit upon all flesh; and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, your old men shall dream dreams, your young men shall see visions:
29 And also upon the servants and upon the handmaids in those days will I pour out my spirit.
32 And it shall come to pass, that whosoever shall call on the name of the Lord shall be delivered: for in mount Zion and in Jerusalem shall be deliverance, as the Lord hath said, and in the remnant whom the Lord shall call.

In the Church we're so used to hearing we're in the latter days that we wouldn't know the call we've been waiting for if we heard it--the one that tells us when the Savior is coming.

You wanna know how I know that? Because the call--or some portion of it--came this most recent session of General Conference, and almost nobody heard it.

Go back and read President Boyd K. Packer's talk. Read it like he just told you something extremely important. This line should scare you:

“The authority of the priesthood is with us. After all that we have correlated and organized, it is now our responsibility to activate the power of the priesthood in the Church.”

What's he talking about? Haven't we been acting in power the whole time? We have temples and ordinances and callings and stakes and all that. What else is left to activate?

To answer this, I direct you to D&C 113:

7 Questions by Elias Higbee: What is meant by the command in Isaiah, 52d chapter, 1st verse, which saith: Put on thy strength, O Zion—and what people had Isaiah reference to?
8 He had reference to those whom God should call in the last days, { who should hold the power of priesthood to bring again Zion, } and the redemption of Israel; and to put on her strength is to put on the authority of the priesthood, which she, Zion, has a right to by lineage; also to return to that power which she had lost.

The purpose of the Relief Society is the SAME as the priesthood: to build Zion on the earth. I've been in enough lessons on Zion to see how people sell her short--Zion is wherever you live, they say. The Church has been building her all this time. It's nothing to get excited about.

I'm telling you, when God wants to hide something, He puts it in the Pearl of Great Price.

Read Moses 7: 62:

62 And righteousness will I send down out of heaven; and truth will I send forth out of the earth, to bear testimony of mine Only Begotten; his resurrection from the dead; yea, and also the resurrection of all men; and righteousness and truth will I cause to sweep the earth as with a flood, to gather out mine elect from the four quarters of the earth, unto a place which I shall prepare, an Holy City, that my people may gird up their loins, and be looking forth for the time of my coming; for there shall be my tabernacle, and it shall be called Zion, a New Jerusalem.

The purpose of the priesthood and the Relief Society is to build Zion, which will usher in the Second Coming of the Savior.

So when I read and hear comments from women about how lame, how unenlightened, how boring Relief Society is, the nicest thing I can think to say is: if you can't get excited about participating in Christ's return to the earth, I sure hope you like maggots.

Growing Pains

2010-06-04T19:08:00.004-04:00

--originally published on Waters of Mormon on March 4, 2009--

But if ye will nourish the word, yea, nourish the tree as it beginneth to grow, by your faith with great diligence, and with patience, looking forward to the fruit thereof, it shall take root; and behold it shall be a tree springing up unto everlasting life.” Alma 32: 41

What does it mean to be God?

If I were a wiser person, I would read chapter 32 of Alma every day of my life because of what it teaches me about the answer to that question. The chapter connects so beautifully with the Tree of Knowledge from Lehi’s vision, something I did not realize until I thought about chapter 32 in the same terms as Christ—what He was, is, and will be—and I realized that this chapter teaches me about what I was, who I am, and what I will ultimately become if I will continue to be nourished by His living water.

In comparison to everything that Heavenly Father is, I am just a tiny seed in the ground of His kingdom. I thought about that yesterday as I was thinking about my past, and in my frustration wandered around campus until I finally found myself laying supine underneath of a tree by the Carillon Tower. Staring up through the branches and boughs to the tiniest, reaching twigs at the top of the tree, I thought about how long that tree must have taken to grow.

I thought about Abraham and how his posterity divides and splits like the limbs of a tree, how inconceivable is the collective number and strength of those who came before me, who support me and feed me from the roots from which all who seek the truth gather strength.

I thought about those delicate twigs reaching for the same heaven as I am, with fingers that have taken generations to reach their height. I remembered where I started, feeling the swellings of a seed in my breast before I ever knew it had been planted, trying to put what I was feeling into words and failing at it most of the time. I remembered the pain of growing quickly—not that I would have had it any other way. I remembered my delight as I saw the seed beginning to sprout, and the changes that came to my life that told me this seed was not only good, but so was the heart’s ground in which it was planted—something that had never occurred to me before, and still barely registers to me now.

I pondered the kind of tree I would be someday, the thought stretching beyond the furthest reaches of my understanding—into heaven and out of sight. I wondered about what awaits me, how to become like the kind of trees I have sat beneath throughout my life—their spines bending around unseen opposition so they do not break, opening their arms to the sky to embrace rain and snow and whatever else comes their way with their weakest limbs forward.

Exposed in winter to a coal gray sky full of uncertainty and meaning in these days—I see in the trees all around me the kind of person I want to be until I can reach for something greater.

One of my favorite verses in Alma 32 is verse 35 where it asks a question that I have asked people about the way I see the world and the God I adore: “O then, is not this real?” It is a question I have been asking for a long time, and I have learned from the frustration that has followed so many times that I should only trust the spirit to speak to my confusion. People tell me they struggle with the idea of religion and God sometimes because it all just seems so irrational to them, and they tell me that everything about God is so complicated because it relies upon things you cannot see.

At some point I lost the ability to relate to that kind of thinking because the Lord is the only thing I understand anymore, and I see His hand everywhere. Granted, I have to be a little bizarre sometimes to get my eyes to see; wandering around on and off campus until I find myself in some place I have never been before, staring up into a tree just before I was going to give up the search for truth that day—only to be rescued from myself moments before I would have told myself “all is lost.” But like a waiting parent, He was there—always first comes the gentle reminder to be patient, that He does hear me, that He will speak only when I am listening, but also that I am His child and He would never leave me alone to face this world—not for long, anyway.

He has made it perfectly clear, through the softest peace of trees—not to mention the beautiful truth in all of His creations—that being God means never being the one who walks away.

Our Savior Jesus Christ will return to us, in all of the glorious radiance of the sun—and more!—and those who walked away from His extended hand will certainly wish they had not.