By Study and also By Faith: A Paradox

I'm currently working on a paper for my Old Testament class. I'm pretty excited about it because I've had an opportunity to do quite a bit of study on the symbolism of covenants, and the restorations of the gospel. I don't want to get too deeply into the details because I'm also hoping to publish it, but suffice it to say that I'm of the opinion that my Father in Heaven and His Son have a very real signature to everything they ordain, especially when it comes to covenants.

The part of my paper for which I'm doing most of my research isn't actually in the Old Testament. I've been spending large amounts of time reading the accounts of the Restoration written by those closest to Joseph Smith. I'm looking for some pretty specific details that relate to my paper, but in scanning through quite a few books looking through the fascinating, yet irrelevant, I find myself getting distracted and learning a lot in the process. I currently have The Revised and Enhanced History of Joseph Smith by His Mother, Early Mormon Documents, and A New Witness for Christ in America, and I'm becoming ever more familiar with the records that were left behind not just by Joseph himself, but the accounts that were written by those closest to him.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again--I love the Prophet Joseph Smith. I'm loving every minute of the studying I'm doing. It has been so interesting to see so many different people, who ended up taking such different paths in regards to the Church, all saying the same things about Joseph and his experience. The accounts from his brother William, and especially from his mother Lucy, have been so personal. They've really allowed me to ponder on the young prophet Joseph, and I've enjoyed it profoundly. I see so much of his experience in mine--the questions that he asked, the monumental task that was ahead of him, the disappointment at his failures, the pains of his heart.

Today I was reading about when his eldest brother Alvin died. Joseph loved Alvin dearly, and I got to see more of that in reading about how much Alvin's death affected Joseph's entire family. His youngest sister's grief broke my heart as I read about how desperately she clung to Alvin, even once he had passed on. She seems to have been very young, but her grief was unabashed and deep. How difficult that must have been for Joseph to see. According to Lucy, Joseph was a quiet, rather inward-dwelling child. My personality is given to such more and more as I age, and from where I'm sitting now I feel certain in saying that Joseph Smith was sensitive--a loving soul whose still water run deep. To see someone so dear to him in such pain surely must have caused him great pain. Did he try to console her? Did he do what any one of us would have done and been frustrated, had he not been able to do so?

How can people NOT see Joseph as the loving person that he certainly was? I simply don't understand it. Why would you take cold fact, stale history, dates and places, politics and doctrine--the very things for which I was digging, I admit--instead of the loving image that doesn't have to be forced in any way in order to be seen? I've seen it expressed online that there are members who are afraid to commit to studying the history of the Church because they've seen so many people lose their testimonies that way. In all honesty, I don't think such fear has any reason to exist.

I've gained so much from what brief study I've done so far, and sometimes I even find the things I need for my paper along the way. It truly is the best of both worlds, which is exactly what historical Church scholarship can be if you will commit to having the Holy Ghost with you as you study. Not only does he paint such lovely images that come nearer to the truth than history alone ever could, the Holy Ghost protects us from falsehood as we read and ponder so we are not long overtaken by the adversary. Truly, I could not have asked for a greater blessing than to be in this new major, at BYU, studying the lives of both ancient and modern covenants. I see the Lord's hand in His abundance, and I'm simply in awe of His marvelous work.

I know that Heavenly Father lives. I know that He glories in the intelligence of His children, and He is overjoyed when His children truly seek to understand all that He has done to restore His gospel, the message of His Son Jesus Christ, and His true and living Church on the earth. I know that the Atonement has provided us with a mortal sojourn to learn such magnificent lessons as our Father would teach us through His Spirit, and I testify that His Spirit does provide truth that mortal eyes cannot see, mortal ears cannot hear, mortal memory cannot recall, and mortal words and histories could never adequately express. These things I write in love and gladness in the name of my Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ.

AMEN

The Paradox of Following Prophets

One thing that I've noticed in the conversations I've overheard in the past few days, whenever the topic turns to General Conference, is that there's really only one person that everyone is talking about, one name that is on everyone's lips--and no, it isn't President Thomas S. Monson. It isn't the Prophet Joseph Smith. And no, it isn't even Jesus Christ, the Savior and Redeemer of the world.

It's Elder Jeffrey R. Holland.

The most amusing conversation so far--BY FAR--was the discussion between two girls at the BYU bookstore who were pondering what his wife must have been thinking after his remarks, and how much praise and adoration they would have showered upon him had it been either of them in that position. It was such a fan girl-style expression and I had to laugh--especially since there wasn't a time all that long ago when I sounded the same exact way, and I'm perfectly aware of it. That's half of who I was laughing at!

Even now, if you looked on my iPod, I have 30 of his talks on it. Elder Holland's remarks have helped me through the hardest experiences of my young life. With the graceful, yet powerful prose of a seasoned craftsman, his speech bore light and testimony in a language that my mind could easily understand--in the deepest poetry of the human soul. Thinking on it, I cannot help but be grateful for the fact that he lives a life worthy of his office, and that I would have the comfort of his inspired words in times of trouble.

But one thing I had to learn, and I'll admit it wasn't easy, is that Elder Holland would find such specific adoration of himself inappropriate. In fact, I'm willing to say that he would advise me strongly against becoming too preferential in favor of or against any prophet. He would much rather that I turn my adoration heavenward, treasuring for myself the truest jewels of heaven. He would have me look beyond the powerful expression of his testimony and at the testimony itself.

"I ask that my testimony of the Book of Mormon and all that it implies, given today under my own oath and office, be recorded by men on earth and angels in heaven...
I want it absolutely clear when I stand before the judgment bar of God that I declared to the world, in the most straightforward language I could summon, that the Book of Mormon is true, that it came forth the way Joseph said it came forth and was given to bring happiness and hope to the faithful in the travail of the latter days." [Emphasis added]

The straightforward language was meant to lead us safely into the arms of the Church's embrace, where we would surely find our God waiting for us. And it's only because I've come to know the Spirit in ways I never imagined that I understand what John the Baptist meant when he said of Christ, "He must increase, but I must decrease." (John 3: 30) There will come a day when we'll have to look beyond even the most loyal servants of Christ--our favorites, as it were--and see that which they've seen, to commune with our God through the Holy Ghost, and to receive the testimony that makes these servants so impressive at all. While we cannot carry the mantle of their responsibility, we can gain all the certainty that Elder Holland expressed with his testimony at General Conference. If anything, he was crying any and ALL to repentance who haven't yet communed enough with the Spirit to gain such certainty of the Book of Mormon, of Joseph Smith, and essentially of the Church.

In the end, being a disciple of Elder Holland, or John the Baptist, or even President Monson, won't be enough to save us. We have to make the transition into a genuine and individual faith of Jesus Christ. We must be servants of the Master, even Jesus Christ, who will surely lead us back to the Father if we will be exact in our obedience. Such is the purpose of having prophets and apostles--to help all of us learn the administration by which all of creation is organized--and we'll just as soon be guided by the Spirit back to those servants of the Lord into whose care we've been entrusted.

We can trust President Thomas S. Monson and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles to lead Jesus Christ's true and restored church on the earth today--the only one of its kind. However, we must remember that they, and their words, experiences, testimony, and the power by which all these things are accomplished is through Jesus Christ. If we do not leave General Conference talking of the marvelous power of our God to deliver, to instruct, to chasten, to atone for, and in essence to LOVE us, we've looked beyond the mark and missed the point of General Conference entirely.

Paradox was listening

Out of all of the sessions of General Conference I've ever attended, this most recent session meant more to me than any other, and not even by virtue of the fact that it's the avenue of the most current revelation on the earth.

As of late, it has taken much more fervent dedication on my part to have the Holy Ghost to dwell with me in the same magnitude and consistency that I have come to enjoy. As such, it has also required much more effort to continue growing at the pace which it has been my blessing to enjoy--although considering some of that growth came through great pain and suffering, I'm not sure if "enjoy" is the best word to use there.

Needless to say, the observable trend that I've had to exert more and more effort for the same results has caught my attention and I wondered for many months if it was because I was doing something wrong, if I might have been offending the Spirit without realizing I was doing so. But after hearing so many talks from this most recent session about the presence of the spirit, the purification of our hearts, and the sanctifying power of love coupled with more exact obedience to the commandments, it seems to me that what I'm feeling is not an accident, nor is just me. You'll never hear me claim revelation to the Church; however I do think it's fair to say that based on the instructions that we've been given, we're supposed to be drawing closer to the Spirit and to each other in love--or perhaps should I phrase it as becoming a more Zion-like people.

We've been taught that Zion is not just a place that we can expect to establish in the last days in preparation for the coming of the Savior. Zion is also a state of being one in mind and heart as a people, looking towards and continually dwelling in the pure love of Christ. Now, I may not be the greatest gospel scholar in the world, but considering we just received more counsel than I've ever heard in one setting about purification, love, charity, and dwelling continually in the Spirit, I really must wonder what, exactly, the leaders of the Church were instructing us to do.

We may not have been told this session to return to Missouri, which is where we've been taught through modern revelation the physical place of Zion will be. But it sounded to me like we're all supposed to be much more Zion-like in character than we currently are as individuals, as a nation, and as a Church. And building Zion in our hearts is going to be much more difficult than building a new city, or even building a new temple. We would know--our people and our Church have been building both of those for over a hundred years now. Five more temples were just added to the lengthy list of those being renovated, planned, or constructed. But as we've seen in our failure to live under the United Order, being Zion in heart and mind is the most difficult undertaking that mortal men can attempt.

Think about it. Imagine trying to be loving, charitable, virtuous, united in the common cause of Christ at all times, to dwell in the Spirit at all times, to love and obey God at all times. Try doing it for a week and see how much of a headache it is. Better yet, try doing it for a month and see how much Satan doesn't like you and tries to hurt you at every turn. I promise you that there is a marked and observable difference in EVERYTHING at such an undertaking. The temptation never ceases--not in waking life, and not in sleep--and increases in severity as you endure it well. And quite frankly, Satan will do all he can to destroy you. I know this as sure as I'm standing here because he and his minions have attacked me on too many occasions for me to count. But at the same time, the peace that has been offered me through the Holy Ghost has been sweeter, full of more knowledge and more guidance, and has blessed me with an ever-increasing ability to endure such tribulation.Truly, my God does not quiver and shake as surely as Satan does with each passing moment.

But how is any of this new? We've been hearing this for years. I've only been around for the past 4 of them and I know I've hear it plenty of times. But what I'd like to do is sound a clarion call of warning that the stakes have just been raised, and the task ahead of us has never been greater, but neither have the blessings. If we will do as we've just been instructed in this past session of General Conference, we will see mighty changes in our world, in our Church, and in our ability to share the gospel.

If we desire Zion, if we would see its walls raised, its temple built, our families protected and our hearts knit together in the binding power of our task, we had best say our prayers and go to work--for surely this is the cause in which we are engaged, more so now than ever before!

Paradox is in the dark ages... Sort of

So I'm currently typing this with my thumbs because my computer died. I'm supposed to be using this as a learning experience as a life without the luxury of computers, but I doubt highly that I'll end up gleaning such a lesson from this experience.

If it isn't forward to say so, I've always been a pretty well-behaved child, at least by my parents' standards I suppose, because I don't ever recall being punished. I've never been grounded, never been put on restriction, no such punishment was ever needed. And at the times when it was appropriate, I wouldn't be surprised if I talked my way out of it. That's pretty much the way I've gotten through life. I plan and control things when I can, or I say what I know people want to hear in order to convince them to do things my way. It can be a pretty useful skill, especially in school. I've talked my way out of more bad grades than I care to remember because I knew I could.

You can fool a lot of people that way. But there are three people who you will never fool this way; Heavenly Father is one. He gave me power through speech that I might bring His children unto, secondly, His Son, who shed His blood that I might learn and grow in my talents. The third, then is the Holy Spirit, and it's only because of His presence that my words ever have weight at all. Without him, my words would be a sound and a fury, signifying worse than nothing--rather, the chains in my own shackles.

So when my computer finally gave up the Ghost, and I turned to face the ceiling in the rote ritual of "why is this happening?" and "why me?" and the response was a laundry list of offenses I had committed by spending too much time online and losing my focus on my duties and responsibilities, I'll admit I had a Jonah moment and tried to justify my frustration. But as my own snarling grew louder, I realized that wasn't indicative of anything good, so I called in the reinforcement of good friends, who incidentally protected me from evil by staying with me, probably more than they realize.

I managed to get all of my desirables--including my family history work, pictures, the irreplacable--onto an external hard drive, but that didn't change the fact that I was in trouble.

I decided to make the best of it and studied without all my PowerPoints, the use of instant searches through seas of data, and wouldn't you know it, I actually did better on my midterm than I probably would have with my computer. And like with (most) earthly parents, I'm not in the doghouse forever. My computer is still under warranty, so I can be online again before too long, and without all of the consequences I thought my family was about to face.

But ultimately, I doubt I'll end up taking away the fullest lesson of what I was supposed to learn. I don't NEED a computer. The fact that I'm writing this with my iPod shows that I'm not exactly prepared for the letter of the law just yet.

But the fact that I have Heavenly Parents that are real enough to punish me will require just as much adjustment as the idea that they're real enough to love me. And really, I feel confident to testify that those two ideas don't have to be mutually exclusive either.