Paradox wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving!

Paradox is grafting

May God bless you with discomfort at easy answer, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may work for God's justice, God's freedom, and God's peace.

May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done.

To which I would add: Amen.

Pastor Skip

I testify that truth exists all around us here on the BYU campus, and that it comes in the most unexpected moments that wait like leaflets on a cork board, begging to be read by the casual passerby. The above was the fruit of an expedition I took with my newest partner in crime when we attempted, for a day, NOT to be casual passersby. Only from where and when I sit now, as I stare at the wisdom I snatched from an HFAC bulletin board, do I really see the revelation I stole that day for the light it bears.

I admitted myself into counseling yesterday, and it was not an easy thing to do. For two weeks, I battered the decision in my mind from all sides. I attacked the intervention-style incident in which my newest friend, my RA, and my home teacher met and decided that to encourage me to seek professional help for my burdens would be the best solution. I seethed, silently and verbally, for what I knew to be wisdom in the council of my home teacher, the righteous exercising of his priesthood authority. I declared, I cannot begin to count how many times, bitterly, "I still don't want to go."

But I allowed these kind and generous people in my life to take me by the hand and lead me to where they wanted me to go. My RA stood behind and watched me as I filled out the paperwork. My friend hassled me to make the appointment, left class early with me to make sure I actually went to my session, and was waiting for me when my session was over. He, more than anyone else, saw that I didn't want to do this.

But he, probably more than anyone else who knows me, understood that I would--even without his help. He has seen my solemn vow, a single word, engraved in my countenance enough times to understand that I know nothing else.

Again.

In studying the Book of Mormon, and realizing how much I have yet to actually learn, the only thing I can do is force myself to sit and go through the material again. And again. And again. When my relationships don't work out the way I want them to, I have to try again. Again. Again. When it hurts to rise from wherever it is I happen to be napping, when sleep seems so much more important than all of my other priorities. Again. Again. Again. When an experience so essential, so remarkable and beautiful in nature makes it a tragedy when I cannot express any part of it in words, I have no choice. Again, again, again is the only thing I can think to say. It is the staple to my life, the self-reliance that has allowed me to survive so much. Hope unspoken. Faith in things unseen. Never consecrated to exist in terms of being holy or inspired. It was simply something I understood, something to do continually without fail.

But now I see that is no longer an option. All of my words must become consecrated by the One. He is the only reason I have been protected, guided, endowed with knowledge beyond my understanding, and upheld in all of my struggles. These are borrowed virtues; a borrowed grace that has lent itself to so much already. My life should be a testimony to His power, not mine.

So when my session came to a close, and the therapist assigned to me concluded that my resilience is nothing short of inspiring, I saw it was going to take more than one session to convince her of what sits in perfect stillness within me as unmovable truth.

God has blessed me with stubbornness, to accept nothing less than the strongest kindness and the kindest strength in order to grow beyond warfare and the carnal man to know the peace--the truest peace--of trees.

Things that make Paradox feel kind of like a Gentile

Dress for Preference, the fall semi-formal - $0

White shirt to go under Dress for Preference - $0

Black and white shoes that not only go with Dress for Preference, but are perfect in every way and therefore must be shown to everyone who will come and see them - $24.99

Pearl necklace and Victorian locket paired set that tie the whole thing together - $7.99

Realizing that the transformation from feminist to feminine took place some time last week - Priceless.